Ants!

I discovered ants all over the pantry. I put some sweetened ant poison out and they swarmed to each drop, making little circles of feeding frenzy.

My wife came home and I pointed out the ants. She shreaked.

With great earnest she said... "Thank God they didn't get the peanut butter!!!"

HA!

Latest News

My Wife
My wife is beautiful.

She is sweet, generous, industrious, and she loves me. She is a gift and I am grateful. I fell in love with her swiftly, and received three affirmations to my skeptical prayers.

It’s strange to be expecting a child this summer. I’m 55 and this is the age of being a grandpa, or a great grandpa. Heck, my dad’s new wife is 33 and she could be my child.

There’s an interesting journey ahead of me.

The Ex
B likes M. She’s been feeling shame and guilt ever since the divorce, and I’ve kept her at arm’s length. But, I see now she is truly happy for me, truly likes M. She has changed some. But the anger she feels toward herself and the world is still there and we pray for her healing.

Staying Informed in a Digital World
I get most of my news on the internet. It’s fast, though often superficial. The internet is a useful tool. I can read a story, check facts, compare one source to another. For example, last week there was a NASA announcement on the data collected from the Gravity B Probe experiment which has been going on for seven years. (Astounding device!) I was able to refamiliarize myself with the probe and the physics behind the experiment.

I’m disturbed at the vitriol I see there. People rant over every topic. Somehow it is easier for folks to grab a digital pitchfork and torch and attack each other. Very uncivil. I worry the anonymity which allows such attacks promotes this anger and that it spills into our lives through politics, bigotry, and perhaps road rage.

Self Compassion
When I learned my wife was pregnant I was excited and extremely nervous. She drew me in slowly, touching her abdomen, feeling the changes of her body. I was quiet regarding my disquiet.

My self reflective nature ferreted out my unease. It is something irrational. Something I need to take care of. Soon.

My sons are grown, adopted when they were very little. They are doing well. There’s a third adoption in my past. He’s buried on the edge of town.

My head tells me I did nothing wrong, that I did not fail him, but my heart holds three sins against me. When I laid him down to sleep that day, laid him down to die, it was the first time on his tummy. I’d been told that position was an increase risk factor for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. The second sin my heart holds against me is I let him cry himself to sleep. Lastly, I haven’t forgiven myself for not breathing life back into those blue lips, that my thumps on his chest failed to restart that tiny heart.

These packages of guilt are irrational. I’ve read enough about crib death to understand that what I did and what I didn’t do were not things I can blame myself for. But, when I think of another new born, when I thinking of the joys of having a baby in my home, my heart beats fast and in it’s hammering I hear accusations.

I need to somehow wrestle with that irrational part of who I am until it no longer struggles, and offer compassion and forgiveness to myself. I don’t know how to do that.

Professional Life
Like most school districts throughout the country the one I work for is in trouble. So much so they have laid off many teachers and other staff, even closing the school I work at.

I am sad to see that exemplary school die.

But, I have a job and I am grateful for that. I was on the RIF list (Reduction In Force) and was given the position of teaching Language Arts (English) to Alternative Ed kids (a broad term which includes all sorts of students who don’t fit into the usual class room).

Spiritual Life
I’ve taken to reading scripture and prayer at scheduled, and unscheduled, times.

The connection and disconnection I see between science and faith is clearer all the time. The ideas I’ve been chewing on are finding their way into that novel that I am tinkering with.

Loving the Hard to Love
I’ve made progress in loving everyone more. It seems easier to care about folks, even those I’ve had trouble with. I pray for them more, and I’m sincere. It feels good.

Humility
This is a subject I’ve given a lot of thought of late. It isn’t something people talk much about, read much about, write much about. Which makes sense. How can one find a book in which the author speaks authoritatively about humility? It isn’t the sort of thing one brags about being good at.

Which is odd, because it is a virtue worth understanding and seeking.

My Lord was good at it. Good enough to set aside ultimate glory and permit cruel abuse.

In dealing with the close call of losing my job, and in understanding how I must set my wife ahead of myself (we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church), I find a gentleness coming over me I enjoy.

Spring
It has been a long, cold, wet winter. The flowers are busting out, despite the chilled soil, figs and cherries are growing on my trees, frogs croak over sized love calls to each other and the promise of warm weather is most welcome.

So... That's how things are with me of late.

:)