Sunday, February 21, 2010

Uh... Yeah.

I picked up a rescue dog from the humane society last night. I'm calling him "Bogie" (I love Bogart movies!)

It is so good to have Isaac home. What was to be two or three days in the hospital became four weeks and it was getting old for all concerned.

He lost a lot of weight, but we've started him on soft foods, so he is eating for the first time in a month. Very cool.

In my classroom I have a poster I made: "Questions are more important than answers. Answers are often wrong, questions never are."

I love learning new things. I will come across an odd fact follow that rabbit trail, and the trails which branch off it.

For example, the other day I read something odd about the octopus and looked the creature up. I read the wikipedia article three times, and also read about the hectocotylus, muscular hydrostats, and the Hawaiian creation myth.

Amazing creatures! I am still reeling over the bizarre qualities this animal possesses.

While the females guard their eggs until they hatch, the infant offspring (up to 200,000 of them) are left on their own to learn how to survive. They do this without, apparently, any instruction and no instinctual knowledge. They learn everything from scratch!

Experiments show they have short and long term memory, and have amazing problem solving capabilities.

After reproduction the males and females die, not of starvation (though they usually cease to eat) but because an organ behind their eyes releases a toxin. They self destruct! Elements of their reproduction were described by Aristotle but not believed until rediscovered in the 19th century.

Their limbs can detach and be autonomous for a while, even mimicing surrounding objects (in appearance and movement).

They have three hearts. One for each gill and one for the rest of their body.

The have multiple types of cells which can alter their color. They can make themselves look like almost anything around them. They have been observed to mimic a plant, will move about on only two legs to maintain the illusion.

The ink they emit not only hides them visually but deadens the sense of smell of other creatures.

They can move by crawling, walking, or using their jets. They have been observed crawling from one tide pool to another in the open air and have crawled onto the decks of fishing ships to get at crabs.


They have been observed to use tools.



They are so intelligent that the UK Animals (Scientific Procedures) Act 1986 has granted them honorary vertebrate status so they may only be experimented on with anesthesia.

Perhaps one of the most astonishing things I learned about them is that their oxygen transporting element is copper not iron. They have blue blood. (interesting they can eat iron based creatures and iron based creatures can eat them.) The copper is in proteins spread through their blood plasma not in something akin to red blood cells as ours are.

What an amazing animal!

If such a creature were sentient, and had a soul, what sort of connection might it have with the Creator? God would seem more alien to them than to us because they do not have the concept of community, of family, that we do. They might relate to the idea of a trinity through the concept of autonomous limbs connected into a single being, but the idea of love and sharing emotional bonds would probably be impossible.

How would such a sentient being understand truth? Truth would be measured in such things as a sense of touch that includes taste, a sense of vision that includes polarized light, but the idea that everything is illusion, since their own bodies routinely mimic reality easily, would make the idea of falsehood as normal as empirical truth.

Would the concept of eternal life be beyond their comprehension since their bodies self destruct at a given time? Old age is impossible for them. They would see life as fleeting and of little value since so few of their offspring endure (which they don't even understand since they have many but never live long enough to witness them). No mates, no children, just solitary lives of mimicry and illusion... the tang of copper at their touch rather than the savor of iron in their mouths.

About this point, dear reader, you are probably shaking your head. Not at the strange mind a sentient octopus might have, but at the strange mind this writer has. :)

That's OK.

That is the real point of this post. My mind. I'm amused I ponder such things. Makes me smile that I wander into such musings. What really gives me a the thrill is when I think about the strangeness of the universe and the possibilities beyond the fields we (I) know.

What a wonderful gift the Lord has given me!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

! ! ! ! ! !



: )


Hurray!

Just got a call from Isaac. He put his doctor on the phone who told me Isaac can come home today!

!

He was checked in on January 20th, a Wednesday. That's FOUR weeks!

Hurray!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

A Little Good News :)

X rays are done. Good news.



The mouse cursor is at the spot where there was a constriction.

This pic is 13 seconds after swallowing & the fluid is already entering the intestine.

He can have clear liquids now.

About Stuff...

13.73 billion years ago the universe packed neatly into a space smaller than an atom.

13.73 billion years ago all the dimensions of the universe were packed neatly into a single unified dimension, having no height, no width, no depth, not even a moment to exist in for time had yet to begin.

It would take less than an instant (defined as an infinitely short amount of time) for it to expand... if one could be floating there, outside of the universe a short distance away (which is patently absurd since there was no space outside of the infinitely small space, but say there was...) one would never see the universe coming because it moved faster than light (the universal speed limit had not passed quantum physics legislation yet).

I'm waiting for Isaac to get out from video x ray (they are having him drink a contrast fluid, and then will video tape how it flows [or fails to] through him).

So... I'm just sitting here thinking about stuff...




Stars in our Neighborhood

Our Galaxy

Local Galaxies in our Supercluster

The filaments in our corner of the universe (of which our supercluster makes up a spot)

The inventor of the Frisbee died this past week...


The DVD of The African Queen will come out next month!

Tapioca is made from casava roots

Friday, February 12, 2010

Progress!


At this time yesterday I thought Isaac was having a procedure to place a stent into his intestines.

I didn't like the idea.

Sometimes the stomach resists these stents and push them further into the intestine.

While I was teaching my last class yesterday, getting ready to hurry to Portland, Isaac, Brenda, and the surgeon decided to simply remove the NG tube going into his stomach and see what happened.

Would the stomach just fill with gas and fluids, pulling on the previous incisions? Or would it fill up partially, and start moving materials into his intestine?

I was there last night. The stomach grew uncomfortable for him, grew a little distended. We refrained from pain meds, opting for strong anti-inflammatory medicine instead.

The pain subsided.

He had a small bowl movement late last night, and a larger one this morning.

!

!!!!!

I am not there this morning, I'm working today (on a lunch break right now), so I don't know exactly what they are deciding, but I suspect they will start having him drink fluids, perhaps eat some Jello (registered trademark).

This is VERY good news.

I am cautiously hopeful I can bring him home soon.

Lastly, on the ex wife front... It seems she is getting the message. I told her details about my income, about anything to do with the hospital bills and Isaac and all that, she would only get what I am convinced is absolutely necessary. No more than that.

I woke this morning at 3:30, went for a nice walk in nature. It was a peaceful hour.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

?Huh?

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
--Mark Twain

I got to the hospital as quickly as possible. School ended, and the student I had scheduled to tutor after school was covered by someone else.

School ends at 2:30. We are expected to stick around until at least 3:30 (though it isn't uncommon to be here after 5:00, and I often arrive at 6:00), I hustled off. I was told Isaac was going under for a "Procedure" (? "operation"?) to insert a stent in his intestine.

Sheesh. I really don't want to see that happen.

But I am glad they are taking this last chance to see if they can let the stomach have one more chance.

They removed the NG tube (a nasal tube that pumps fluids out of the stomach). They are avoiding the pain meds (which slow his digestive track) and giving him an anti-inflammatory. We are crossing our fingers that this will work.

So... I feel confused. I thought the stent was a sure thing. Glad to hear that it is only a possibility. A stent is sometimes rejected by the stomach and pushed further into the intestines. That would be more serious.

Perhaps all the prayers are moving the Lord's hand. Perhaps his intestines will take this last chance to wake up and do their job.

Either way, I'm hopeful. I hope the doctor returns soon and feels we can put off this procedure.

I just want my son to get better... come home.

As for Brenda... she hasn't been here this afternoon. I'm grateful for that.

I need to have a blunt conversation with her. I dislike confrontation. That has been reinforced to a pavlovian level with her. But, I see she is continually testing the boundaries. I tell her where they are, and she pushes it.

I teach middle school. Kids between 11 and 14. They ALWAYS test the boundaries. If they are to stay in the cafeteria before the school day begins, then they will see if it is OK to stand in the doorway. Once the door fills the will see if it is OK to stand outside the door and talk to the kids in the door. If no one says anything they will see if it is OK to go look at the bulletin boards in the hallway. If no one says anything, they will see if it is OK if they just run to their locker real quick to put something away...

I will have to be as clear with Brenda as I am with my students.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

DANG IT!!!!

The tests on Isaac's intestines did not go well.

Tomorrow at 4:30 they are putting a stint into his intestines at the point they enter stomach.

After three weeks in the hospital, another operation.

I will rush to the hospital when work ends today... I'm supposed to be here until 3:30, but the kids leave at 3:30. I should be there before they put him under for this next operation.

All of this is creating some large hospital bills. It is probably over a $100,000 now. Isaac is on my insurance, but if they see him as a 19 year old, an adult, and look at his income and determine what he can afford. This means doing his 2009 taxes, calling the hospitals, negotiating what the items values are for the insurance companies (what they will pay), and what they can charge us based on Isaac's ability to pay.

This also includes looking at my income, my tax burden, and making the point that while I claim his as a dependent because I support more than 50% of his living expenses, he is still an adult (moving toward independence) and these bills should be treated separate than if they were incurred by me directly.

The sticky part here is Brenda. She wants to do this. Frankly, she has the time, there are needs to show that she is not a part of his direct resources (her tax filing) and there is an immediacy. That's the reasons to let her do this.

The reasons not to let her is that this can be used as an opportunity for her to pry into my business. It isn't that I have anything to hide. (In fact all of this will show that I have shouldered much more than my fair share.) This would mean a careful vigilance on what she knows, what she has access to, and what she might do to wedge a small opening into my life into one where she has more control.

Here is an example... Last night I got a voice message from her. She was warning me that Isaac had gotten a phone call that was a scam for money.

"So what?," I thought.

She then told me that had called the phone company for Isaac's telephone to tell them not to charge him for the minutes this call took. Hmmmm... OK. A little awkward since this is really my account and I have Isaac on my family plan.

"I also told them to block that call from his phone so they don't call him again."

--Sigh.-- OK. Boy she likes to get involved in the details!

"Since he is on your account I told them to block the call from your phone as well so you aren't bothered by this scam."

"WHAT?!!!!"

Now I need to speak to her about how inappropriate it is for her to adjust ANYTHING on ANY account I might have with ANY business at ANY time.

--Sigh.--

So... Isaac has had another setback. He will be knocked out this afternoon and a large stint placed in his intestine.

Meanwhile, Brenda will be looking for the calm reassurance I have given her for nearly three decades and I will withhold it.

Meanwhile, Brenda will try to help with the business end of negotiating a good deal for Isaac, but needing information about my and Isaac's income, and wanting to "help" me with my taxes. Criminy! Another emotional, relational mine field.

Meanwhile, I need rest (I couldn't sleep last night, but knowing I will be up late tonight I took a pill that I knew would make it hard to get going today so I would).

Meanwhile, I need spiritual renewal. I need some walks in the early morning hours at Mollala River State Park, being in tune with the world as the nocturnal creatures retire and the diurnal ones awake, while I use the world to be a natural cathedral to separate the confusion of human life with the peace of eternity.

--Sigh.--

Friday, February 5, 2010

Whew!

Isaac is back in his hospital room.

There is a new, larger, NG tube draining his stomach through his nose and he is very out of it. The tube is painful and he abhors it. At least he was unconscious (for an endoscopy) when they put it in.

The doctor who performed the endoscopy did a good job explaining it (though B told me later that last night she felt the doctor's bedside manner wasn't all it should be and made her feelings clear, perhaps a little excessively. B said that was probably why she was being through and careful in talking with us).

At any rate... good news!

The reason Isaac's stomach wasn't emptying into his intestines is due to the incision from the removal of the tumor. Actually, because of the two operations there. The first time when the staple went in it pinched the stomach a little, closing the opening a bit. When the staple popped out and was replaced with sutures, it was pinched even more. Then, as is natural, it swelled up from the trauma, which nearly closed it all together.

She gave me pictures of it all so I can explain it to Isaac when he is aware enough. (Note, if such pictures make you feel squeemish, be careful because I intend to put them at the bottom of this post.)

The bottom line is that the sutures look good. It is straight, clean, pink. It is swollen, but the swelling should go down in the next couple of days.

During the endoscopy they inserted a balloon and stretched the opening to the intestines a bit to make it easier to begin functioning again.

Meanwhile they will continue to drain his stomach through the tube, leaving it fairly empty. They will turn it off now and then, wait a little while, and then see if there is a build up of fluids or if the liquids are draining away into his intestines as they should.

They expect him to be able to go home in three or four days.

On the off chance that the stomach does not adapt and start channeling fluids where it should, there are two options, but they are unlikely. One is to insert a tube into that opening, but that isn't desirable. Sometimes those tubes are pushed on into the intestine by the stomach and need to be surgically removed later. The other option is to insert a drain through his belly that can be manually drained. Neither of those are good choices, and I trust they will not be necessary.

Brenda has left and probably won't be back until Sunday evening at the earliest.

I need to catch up on my rest, but I think that will be easier now.

It wasn't just a matter of sleeping in chairs or the back of my car, but the stress of wondering what was happening with my son which has worn on me.

I am looking forward to getting him home and getting things back to normal. Well, as normal as things seem to get for me!

OK... Now for the pics. I include them here because I want to keep this online journal complete, though it is a strange and perhaps queezy sight...

To me it is exciting... it is one thing to hear the doctors describe what is going on, and another to see with my own eyes that things are going well.

...

...

...

...

...

The picture in the upper left shows the suture (horizontal line on the left). You can see it is a little swollen, but nice and pink, and well sealed. The picture on the lower right is the line leading to the balloon (which is the yellow thing in the pic on the lower left).



The picture in the upper left here is what the entrance to the intestine after it was stretched open by the balloon. That is a close up of it in the pic on the upper right.

Hi there

A friend was just here... I asked him what day it is.

That is how I am feeling...

I spoke with my boss this morning and he asked how many days had I been gone. A few hours later I realized I had completely forgotten three of the days I had worked.

It is all blurring together.

This morning, I think it was this morning, I wrote a little piece for this blog which garnered a flood of emails. Some supportive, some mixed, some chiding (yet loving).

I don't know if what I'm writing now will clarify my feelings, but I'm going to try.

For those who do not know, Isaac is 19 and he once told me that he knew I had to divorce his mom. He said it was the best thing for all of us.

I must have written something (I'm too tired to go back and reread it now) which indicated I was treating her in some way that approaches harshness.

I'm not. Throughout this I have kept he informed of every decision, every change, every update, and she has done the same for me.

I have treated her respectfully.

I could recount the injuries I've received from her, but there isn't any reason to do so. I wouldn't tell her unless severely pressed to do so (and I can't imagine such circumstances.

But, it is clear that she has continued to play some sort of strange game which includes hinting that we should get back together. NOT going to happen. Since I have become resolute in maintaining clear boundaries it has made things much simpler with her. She is becoming polite (if not less eager to take control).

This is what is best for Isaac, best for me, and I believe, best for her.

Every opportunity I gave her to be a larger part of things, especially anything to do with my home she used as an opening to insert a wedge and widen her influence.

Honestly, she wasn't interested in me until it began to look like I was moving on.

I care about her. She just didn't feel the same way, and I'm OK with that now. And I can care about her without pretending to be more buddy like than I feel. And not being fully honest with who I am and to let my son see how one can love someone without embracing their misdeeds. She is a past chapter of this life.

I swore to love and protect her all my life and I really tried to do that, far past the point where it was clear she would not permit it.

I think there will always be a frustration in my heart that I was not able to spend my life with a single woman. It is only partly her fault. Beyond the mistakes I made, I also see I made the choice to marry her. I chose poorly.

_______________

OK... BIG time out! Just got information about Isaac. This post is a little defensive, I know, but I felt the need to spit it out and this is the place for it...

Bottom line... I know, in my heart (and I really do have a gentle heart), that the interactions with Brenda are what they need to be. Nuff said.

For those of you who had the courage to say something to make certain I was doing what was right, thank you. It isn't easy to tell someone something you know they probably don't care to hear and I take the comments in the spirit of love in which I know they were given.

Additionally, I know I am exhausted and will be as cheerful as ever very soon.

Now.. I have much news about Isaac's condition and I want to toss this missive onto the blog pile and let it get buried under more interesting news.

Another Day...

Back in Isaac's room. He seems to be feeling better this morning. He's not so scared.

The first surgery was January 20th. The cut the muscles at the base of his stomach and while there, removed a pancreatic tumor in his stomach.

On Friday the 22nd the staple at the tumor site had popped and they took him back in for another surgery.

The sent him home a week later, which lasted just until Saturday when his stomach kept filling up and he threw up everything I gave him.

So... Back to the hospital.

I reread the last post. It wasn't the easiest night last night.

Quite a scare.

I know the post sounds like I am being mean to Brenda. I'm not. I'm polite. I listen. I simply ignore her manipulations. That is what they are, manipulations.

She seems to have stopped trying to get back together with me, I'm not buying it anymore. I don't even need to remind myself that she has had two affairs, and that through the last one she left six times to go back to her boyfriend, and each time, I let her return.

That is done. I don't like to see her hurting, I am free with hugs, but no longer with her. She uses them as a wedge to pry things open for her purposes.

She was happier when I was miserable. Now that I am moving on, she wishes to drag me back. I'll remain polite, and focus on caring for my son.

So, Isaac is watching Spongebob, Brenda is out having a cigarette, and I am trying to wake up. (The back seat of that Ford Mustang isn't the best bed.)

I sure hope the doc shows soon so I can ask some questions about his prognosis.

Concerned

I rushed back to the hospital within the past hour.

Isaac has had a seizure.

He's scared.

I would rather not be sharing this event with Brenda.

_____

She has stepped away to give he and me a little privacy.

I was a little surprised. It seemed that every time I started to talk to him or the nurse she inserted herself into the conversation. Perhaps my irritation flickered actoss my face causing her to leave.

She has offered to let me sleep here tonight. I refused. I';ll go sleep on a couch in the lobby or in that tiny seat in that silly little car I bought.

When she called to tell me about the seizure I heard the fear in her voice. I sensed that she wanted me to rush not just to him, but to her, to calm her, to be supportive. It's the role I played for nearly three decades.

She tends to be controlling, and excitable. I tend to be emotional, but in a soft way, and when others are hurting, put myself aside and try to help.

It pisses me off that she wants that of me now.

A year ago I would have swept her into my arms, comfort her.

Now when I think of her I s see a person who is so mixed up she does not even know the truth of her own heart, her own mind.

She lies to herself, and believes them. That makes it much easier to justify one's behavior when one can conjure up "reasons" and convince oneself they are the whole truth.

I have similar failings. Everyone does. Being an individual usually consists of being a little self-focused, a little biased in seeing that one is in the right and the rest of the world is screwed up.

I have tried hard to be honest with myself.

I don't always succeed, but I can see that every time I think someone has done me wrong it is usually a defense mechanism.

I suppose that is partly the case with tonight.

Her body language says she wants a hug, wants reassurance; I find it repugnant.

When she speaks I feel like snapping at her. To tell her to butt out. To tell her to let me ask my questions without a whisper from her.

Perhaps I am tired. I usually don't express this sort of negative feelings.

_____

She just stepped in for her purse. I think she needs cigarettes. I told her I would be leaving soon as Isaac has nearly fallen asleep...

Where was I? Oh yes... annoyed, and attempting to discern my own truth, weaknesses and strengths...

I've avoided talking these last few months about my heart... for there is someone I've met I care a great deal for. I love.

I know, I love easily.

I think about missteps I take in all the walks of my life. I regret them. I am trying to learn from them.

I think I'll go off to sleep in the car...

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Three Little Birds


"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Isaac asked to have this song playing while they reinserted the tube into his stomach through his nasal passage.

He asked for Chris Botti last time, but he has been listening to that CD straight for 36 hours.

"What do you want, Buddy? Sade?"

"No."

"Maybe some soft classical? Perhaps Bach?"

"I don't care. No wait... maybe that Bob Marley song about 'Everything is going to be alright.'"

"Three Little Birds? Sure!"
He hates the procedure.

It is painful.

The first attempt failed...

While screwing up the courage to try again we decided that he could imagine he was swallowing a whole french fry. It's the swallowing that is required to guide the tube.

Brenda sat on one side of him, I sat on the other. I gripped his hand with my left, and held his shoulder with my right.

I then held the tube while the doctor removed the guide wire.

So... the tube is in, and already nearly a liter of fluids have drained from his stomach. The pain is subsiding. The pressure on the sutures has been relieved.


Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

He loves that song.

Anyway... the tube is in. The stomach is draining. Now... if only the intestine will unkink and start letting the gases and fluid drain from the stomach.

More time in this hospital. They even had the balloons still from a few days ago... This almost looks like the same room.

Brenda is going to spend the night. I will be back in the morning to relieve her.

At least he is going to get the fluids he needs, and proper pain meds...

Update: February 2, 2010, 9:30 p.m.

OK...

Does not apear to be kidney related... not a stone or other problem...

It's from the surgery.

It seems the intestine close to the stomach has pinched off and the stomach is filling up with juices and gases and causing increasing pressure and pain and since it cannot drain, vomiting.

We have attempted once to get a tube into the stomach through the nose... but... no good.

Isaac has taken a ten minute break and we are about to try again.

He needs to be a participant in this painful procedure... He needs to swallow at the right moment to guide the tube into the esophagus and not the lung.

The tears streamed down his face as the tube scraped his nasal passages and he tried hard to swallow.

He is saying he is willing to try again. Doc is here...

Here we go...

Update February, 2, 2010

Isaac has been throwing up the last 2 or 3 days. I haven't been able to keep his meds in him.

Took him to the surgeon's office in Portland. His white blood cell count is up, indicating a possible abcebs... and infection, probably in his stomach.

They are admitting him back into the same hospital, Providence, Portland.

He is dehydrated so back in go the IVs and get some fluids in his body. Then on the a CAT scan to see if we can spot the absess and make a plan.

Looking like a 3rd surgery.