Hi there

A friend was just here... I asked him what day it is.

That is how I am feeling...

I spoke with my boss this morning and he asked how many days had I been gone. A few hours later I realized I had completely forgotten three of the days I had worked.

It is all blurring together.

This morning, I think it was this morning, I wrote a little piece for this blog which garnered a flood of emails. Some supportive, some mixed, some chiding (yet loving).

I don't know if what I'm writing now will clarify my feelings, but I'm going to try.

For those who do not know, Isaac is 19 and he once told me that he knew I had to divorce his mom. He said it was the best thing for all of us.

I must have written something (I'm too tired to go back and reread it now) which indicated I was treating her in some way that approaches harshness.

I'm not. Throughout this I have kept he informed of every decision, every change, every update, and she has done the same for me.

I have treated her respectfully.

I could recount the injuries I've received from her, but there isn't any reason to do so. I wouldn't tell her unless severely pressed to do so (and I can't imagine such circumstances.

But, it is clear that she has continued to play some sort of strange game which includes hinting that we should get back together. NOT going to happen. Since I have become resolute in maintaining clear boundaries it has made things much simpler with her. She is becoming polite (if not less eager to take control).

This is what is best for Isaac, best for me, and I believe, best for her.

Every opportunity I gave her to be a larger part of things, especially anything to do with my home she used as an opening to insert a wedge and widen her influence.

Honestly, she wasn't interested in me until it began to look like I was moving on.

I care about her. She just didn't feel the same way, and I'm OK with that now. And I can care about her without pretending to be more buddy like than I feel. And not being fully honest with who I am and to let my son see how one can love someone without embracing their misdeeds. She is a past chapter of this life.

I swore to love and protect her all my life and I really tried to do that, far past the point where it was clear she would not permit it.

I think there will always be a frustration in my heart that I was not able to spend my life with a single woman. It is only partly her fault. Beyond the mistakes I made, I also see I made the choice to marry her. I chose poorly.

_______________

OK... BIG time out! Just got information about Isaac. This post is a little defensive, I know, but I felt the need to spit it out and this is the place for it...

Bottom line... I know, in my heart (and I really do have a gentle heart), that the interactions with Brenda are what they need to be. Nuff said.

For those of you who had the courage to say something to make certain I was doing what was right, thank you. It isn't easy to tell someone something you know they probably don't care to hear and I take the comments in the spirit of love in which I know they were given.

Additionally, I know I am exhausted and will be as cheerful as ever very soon.

Now.. I have much news about Isaac's condition and I want to toss this missive onto the blog pile and let it get buried under more interesting news.