Isaac has had a seizure.
He's scared.
I would rather not be sharing this event with Brenda.
_____
She has stepped away to give he and me a little privacy.
I was a little surprised. It seemed that every time I started to talk to him or the nurse she inserted herself into the conversation. Perhaps my irritation flickered actoss my face causing her to leave.
She has offered to let me sleep here tonight. I refused. I';ll go sleep on a couch in the lobby or in that tiny seat in that silly little car I bought.
When she called to tell me about the seizure I heard the fear in her voice. I sensed that she wanted me to rush not just to him, but to her, to calm her, to be supportive. It's the role I played for nearly three decades.
She tends to be controlling, and excitable. I tend to be emotional, but in a soft way, and when others are hurting, put myself aside and try to help.
It pisses me off that she wants that of me now.
A year ago I would have swept her into my arms, comfort her.
Now when I think of her I s see a person who is so mixed up she does not even know the truth of her own heart, her own mind.
She lies to herself, and believes them. That makes it much easier to justify one's behavior when one can conjure up "reasons" and convince oneself they are the whole truth.
I have similar failings. Everyone does. Being an individual usually consists of being a little self-focused, a little biased in seeing that one is in the right and the rest of the world is screwed up.
I have tried hard to be honest with myself.
I don't always succeed, but I can see that every time I think someone has done me wrong it is usually a defense mechanism.
I suppose that is partly the case with tonight.
Her body language says she wants a hug, wants reassurance; I find it repugnant.
When she speaks I feel like snapping at her. To tell her to butt out. To tell her to let me ask my questions without a whisper from her.
Perhaps I am tired. I usually don't express this sort of negative feelings.
I was a little surprised. It seemed that every time I started to talk to him or the nurse she inserted herself into the conversation. Perhaps my irritation flickered actoss my face causing her to leave.
She has offered to let me sleep here tonight. I refused. I';ll go sleep on a couch in the lobby or in that tiny seat in that silly little car I bought.
When she called to tell me about the seizure I heard the fear in her voice. I sensed that she wanted me to rush not just to him, but to her, to calm her, to be supportive. It's the role I played for nearly three decades.
She tends to be controlling, and excitable. I tend to be emotional, but in a soft way, and when others are hurting, put myself aside and try to help.
It pisses me off that she wants that of me now.
A year ago I would have swept her into my arms, comfort her.
Now when I think of her I s see a person who is so mixed up she does not even know the truth of her own heart, her own mind.
She lies to herself, and believes them. That makes it much easier to justify one's behavior when one can conjure up "reasons" and convince oneself they are the whole truth.
I have similar failings. Everyone does. Being an individual usually consists of being a little self-focused, a little biased in seeing that one is in the right and the rest of the world is screwed up.
I have tried hard to be honest with myself.
I don't always succeed, but I can see that every time I think someone has done me wrong it is usually a defense mechanism.
I suppose that is partly the case with tonight.
Her body language says she wants a hug, wants reassurance; I find it repugnant.
When she speaks I feel like snapping at her. To tell her to butt out. To tell her to let me ask my questions without a whisper from her.
Perhaps I am tired. I usually don't express this sort of negative feelings.
_____
She just stepped in for her purse. I think she needs cigarettes. I told her I would be leaving soon as Isaac has nearly fallen asleep...
Where was I? Oh yes... annoyed, and attempting to discern my own truth, weaknesses and strengths...
I've avoided talking these last few months about my heart... for there is someone I've met I care a great deal for. I love.
I know, I love easily.
I think about missteps I take in all the walks of my life. I regret them. I am trying to learn from them.
I think I'll go off to sleep in the car...
Where was I? Oh yes... annoyed, and attempting to discern my own truth, weaknesses and strengths...
I've avoided talking these last few months about my heart... for there is someone I've met I care a great deal for. I love.
I know, I love easily.
I think about missteps I take in all the walks of my life. I regret them. I am trying to learn from them.
I think I'll go off to sleep in the car...
2 comments:
i am sorry ... for Issac ... for you ... for all of it.
thank you for sharing so openly ... it helps me understand the mind of a man. interesting that it seems my ex felt/feels this way, and he's the "Brenda" in our relationship. when the girls were sick, especially in the beginning when they were little and really wanted their daddy (ages 5 adn 7), and i could have really used his help, he stayed away in anger ... stating it was my fault we were divorced so therefore this was the consequence of my decision. i wasn't looking for a 'hug' from him for me, i was looking for it for my kids ... but he held it from them, too. he will only offer his 'hug' to his kids when he is 'on duty.' if it's not his time to have the kids, he is not there for them.
i think that everytime he sees me, it's like looking in a mirror at his choices, and it makes him seethingly angry towards me.
Sorry to hear this Will
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