Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Why Life Sucks

You’re selfish.

So am I.

We all are.

It is our nature.

We are born being the center of the universe. Every need we have must be met by others taking care of it. We need feeding, someone else must do it. We cannot change our soiled clothing, we cannot earn, catch, or grow our own food. We are born tiny, helpless, and demanding.

That gradually changes as we learn to play alongside others, then with others, then in teams. The process of looking beyond ourselves takes many years.

I teach middle school children. Human beings who are still quite self-centered. It is also ann age when they begin to see a larger world and wonder if they can affect it.

We may be alone in this.

The Bible says little about the nature of eternal beings, but we can surmise a little.

They are creatures formed and existing in realms without the constraints of this strange three dimensional realm.

They exist in a place where omniscience and omnipresence is continually demonstrated. A realm where temptation is simply not a part of their fabric of being.

The human condition is quite different.

“What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how
infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and
admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like
a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals—and yet,
to me, what is this quintessence of dust?” --Hamlet

Just as Hamlet struggles to know what is the right action to take, each of us struggles with our own natures.

We are animals. We seek shelter, food, resources, mates.

We are divine. We bear eternal souls that cry out for the freedom to simply be good, to rise above our base natures and enter a love that is pure, selfless, good.

I struggle with my own nature.

I sin. I think of myself before others far too often. I think of myself before I think about the love my creator gives me. I think of myself as I weigh my marriage in a balance.

Tomorrow we have another counseling session. I expect it to be rough.

I believe that my wife is not keeping her side of the bargain we struck a few weeks ago. I believe she has not kept herself away from that other man.

It was an ultimatum I gave her. I demanded she choose. It appears that she is unable to choose. That means I must.

I fear the decision I am being forced to make.

I think...

I think I will have to hire a lawyer.

Am I being selfish?

I would give her what time she needs, what resources she needs, to return to our home and rebuild our marriage.

If she wants to do the work that is needed to rebuild what has been destroyed... I also understand how we each seek what seems best for ourselves.

Butt a bridge across any rough water needs to be supported from each side.

Lord have mercy. Guide me... help me to rise above my animal nature and do justice for her, for us.

That is why life sucks. We are half animal. Blessed with minds and souls and crass cravings.


Well... it is much later than when I wrote this post. I did something stupid. I skipped out on a staff meeting and went to spy on my wife.

I thought he would show up at the end of her day. He didn’t. She saw me walking around the building a few minutes before she got off. (She didn’t see me in the adjoining computer lab, emailing a buddy for 45 minutes, keeping a jealous eye out for another man and proof of further infidelities).

We went to a bar and talked, and drank, and shot some pool.

Tomorrow is our counseling session. I suspect it is going to be a rough one as I plan on confronting her with my suspicions that she has not been true to her word of avoiding this other man. Not a shocker. Why should a promise made in counseling have more weight than our wedding vows?

Well... going to go. I’m tired. I am tired of so many things. My patience is wearing thin.

Lord have mercy.


note: I wrote this off the cuff, no rereading or polishing. If I have stumbled and offended, I aplogize. I'm in a bad splace emotionally. I've been thinking about divirce (sorry Ann). who knows what the future will breing. (I suppose He does.)


curious servant said...

I know this post does not show me in the best light... ah well.

I am simply worn out.

wilsonian said...

Simply here, Will.
Bearing witness with you.
Whatever that looks like.


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're real...neither one of you can handle any of this much longer. It will destroy you both at this pace.
Will continue to pray ...sure wish I had that magic wand to fix it ...

May God comfort your heart as only He can...i'm sorry you're going through this.. love you much.

MMM said...

This space is not for you to apologize for possibly being offensive.

(shakes finger)
This space is for you to be honest. Every reader that comes here knows you're being honest. You invited us. You let us in on the real, so to speak. Don't you DARE apologize for it being this real. This is what it is, and if everything you say isn't moonlight and roses, so damn well be it.

No more apologizing. You stop it right now and do what needs to be done.

And from my dune, I continue to watch, wrapped in my desert robes, as the broiling sun sinks and gives way to the icy pale moon, its light outlining everything in eerie shadow.

I see the call of Truth on your blogging. I have written stories of her, the Messenger of Truth, who often visits Hell to bring revelation.

She has passed my camp on her way to yours. She and I are acquaintances. She visited me before, bringing other news from other parts of Armageddon. When I saw her heading for your direction, I winced in sympathy, even thought to try and stop her, but I dare not interfere against that which is your journey.

No apologies needed for your broken road. It is enough that you continue to put one foot in front of another.

Amrita said...

You don 't have to try to show yourself to us in the best light Will, be true to your feelings. We are with you it is a difficult time for you and we all have been and are going thru dark valleys ourselves.
If holding your wife responsible for her marriage commitment is being selfish then go ahead and be selfish.God is a jealous God too

ame said...

God does hate divorce, but he hates a LOT of other things, too. Divorce is a consequence of bad choices in order to protect the innocent. You, though human, are innocent. Many are perplexed that I believe God led me to divorce, to protect me, to protect my children. May God protect you and your children in whatever ways are necessary. Thinking about divorce, in the place you are, is normal, natural ... and probably wise. You need to think through all options before exercising any of them.

Being real is who we are ... nice.

curious servant said...

Thank you... all of you.

My patience has just about worn out.

I need peace, wisdom, strength, grace...

Today will probably be a rough counseling session.

I need our Lord's grace today.

~m2~ said...

will i am also here, praying for you as i read through what you are feeling, thinking. no need to be anyone else here but who you are. we all tend to like transparency.

i am wondering how your session went today....when you are ready.