Gold

Our sun, Sol, is a third generation star. It has a grandpa (well, had, he's dead now).

First generation stars were large. Fueled by hydrogen and helium they lived short lives. They fused hydrogen and helium, making carbon, (and sometimes, with a little extra helium, oxygen) and in their explosive deaths rounded out the first 26 elements of the periodic table, stopping at iron.

Some of those stars were so massive that when they ran out of their hydrogen/helium fuel, exploding in a white nova, they left enough iron behind (1.44 solar masses minimum) to create a neutron star. The iron compressed, leaving a crust of hydrogen over "liquid" neutronium. A teaspoon of the stuff, if taken to Earth, would weigh a billion tons. The electrons of the iron are pressed into protons (poof, no more iron), forming more neutrons... a neutron star.


If two such stars collide... a special material is formed... gold.

An artist's concept of
The collision of two neutron stars

Our solar system gathered in some of that material.

Hydrogen and helium fused into carbon and oxygen, fused into iron, collapsed into neutronium, colliging with more of the same, creating... gold.

I know this bores many folks. I find it fascinating. The gold in my wedding band has this amazing history. Forged in the foundries of the universe, stars and neutron stars, shaped by a gold smith, and placed on my hand by my wife.

Gold is beautiful. Gold does not rust.

Over the past nine months my wedding band has been an awkward companion. I have removed it and returned it. I have hidden that hand when it bears the ring and hidden that hand when it nakedly told the world my marriage was over.


This glistening metal, a warm brightness... a gold band.

We dig deep to uncover this bright metal, shape it into jewelry and electronics.

"There is a mine for silver and a place where gold is refined. Iron is taken from the earth, and copper is smelted from ore. Man puts an end to the darkness; he searches the farthest recesses for ore in the blackest darkness. Far from where people dwell he cuts a shaft, in places forgotten by the foot of man; far from men he dangles and sways.
--Job 28:1-4

From the heart of stars and the heart of the earth, this band of gold represents my own heart... symbolically claiming what I am uncomfortable with... my marriage.

I’m seeing a lot of symbolism around this stuff. This metal of 118 neutrons, and 79 protons (with 79 matching electrons), stable at 197 amu mass.

I am not a wise man. If wisdom were gold I would pay much to get just a little of it.

Everyday I look at my life and think about where I am. I think about where I have been and where I might be going. I think about my children and struggle to know what is the best course of action for them, for me. I think about my Lord, what He has said for me to do... and the answers that come are only for the moment, only for the day.

They are answers which speak to love, faithfulness, integrity, being true. The answers are words springing to mind from the Lord’s Prayer (“...forgive me as I forgive...”), from the words of Jesus (“...he without sin may throw...”), the Serenity Prayer (“...accept what I cannot change...”) and other aphorisms which speak to holding steady, being true.

Still... I feel I am not putting my hand to the task, I’m not guiding my family... I am a reed in the wind. That doesn’t feel right either.

I seek wisdom.

Job compared such a search for wisdom as a search for gold:

Man's hand assaults the flinty rock and lays bare the roots of the mountains. He tunnels through the rock; his eyes see all its treasures. He searches the sources of the rivers and brings hidden things to light.

"But where can wisdom be found? Where does understanding dwell? Man does not comprehend its worth; it cannot be found in the land of the living. The deep says, 'It is not in me'; the sea says, 'It is not with me.' It cannot be bought with the finest gold, nor can its price be weighed in silver.
--Job 28:9-15

Perhaps wisdom comes from experience, perhaps from God, perhaps from both. Perhaps it comes from another source. I don’t know.

I know I need it.

If it only comes from experience, I’m in trouble, because that means the gaining of wisdom comes with a price. If it comes from God, then it comes from grace, so I can seek it but it may or may not be granted.

There is advice in Scripture, but often it seems difficult to apply. The Decalogue does not prescribe what to do here.

1768 image of The Decalogue (10 Commandments)

I held her close this morning. We were hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock, and I was holding her close.

I was thinking: Should I divorce her? She has not agreed to counseling. She has not been fully committed to working on our marriage. She has not been treating me as I believe a wife should. I do not need to bend her to my will, but I do need her to see us as partners. I need her to see me, realize where I need healing, and if not actively help, at least acknowledge it. Should I divorce her?

I spoke softly.

“We don’t have to go to counseling right away, not until your job cuts back to part time. But if we skip the counseling, then we must at least treat each other as man and wife.”

She nodded.

“OK.”

Not the rousing agreement I would like, but a step.

But a vague step, a vague agreement, difficult to identify, quantify.

So I look at my ring.

Is it a promise? Is it command? Is it a burden? Does it reflect my life, or is it simply star dust?

Gold.

Beautiful, enduring.

Born in the unimaginable power of the collisions of neutron stars, matter so dense one and a half suns are squeezed into a diameter of less than ten miles.

It rests on my hand. It mocks me.

Oh...

Where is my wisdom? Where do I find the precious guidance I need?

I search my heart, and I see my own failures, making it easier to accept the failures of others, of my wife.

I look at my ring and I blush with the memory of men’s words bragging about their wonderful wives.

Perhaps I should seek wisdom in my heart. It seems more honest that my sophistic mind.

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold, pure gold

Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will

Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within

I HATE THIS!

I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy...
--1 Peter 1:6-8

Damn it, Lord. That is not the answer I want!

"Where then does wisdom come from? Where does understanding dwell? It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air. Destruction and Death say, 'Only a rumor of it has reached our ears.' God understands the way to it and he alone knows where it dwells, for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens.
--Job 28:20-24

Oh...

That is not the answer I want!

OK.

OK.

I’ll stand here a while longer.

I will be patient.

I will obey.

And he said to man, 'The fear of the Lord—that is wisdom, and to shun evil is understanding.' "
--Job 28:28