A Wedding and a Mother's Day

I put the card back. It was the seventh one.

They don’t seem to make many Mother’s Day cards that fit my situation.

I couldn’t get one that said she was the best wife and mother. I couldn’t get one extolling the virtues of everlasting fidelity.

But I finally picked one. Picked one for the boys to give her. Picked one for the dog to give her. Trotted around to the next aisle to find a card for a wedding.

My brother called me a couple of days ago to tell me he was getting married. He asked me to be his best man.

Mike has been living with Lori for 18 years. Now they are getting married. Or rather, now they have gotten married, as it was today at noon.

So, I picked out a card, it had a picture of the little figures that go on top of a wedding cake, and inside: “Congratulations!!! You are SO cake worthy!”

I smiled. Took the card and hustled off to get a few items that I knew would go well with that it.

It was a very simple ceremony. A local judge officiated, there was less than a dozen people there. They insisted on casual dress.

I love my brother. I was honored he asked me to stand there beside him.


They said the usual vows. Love, cherish, forsake all others...

Brenda looked uncomfortable. I know I was.

When I got married I assumed it was going to be forever. I assumed we would walk together into old age, partners, living out the vows that we swore to each other. Twice.

Mike and Lori got a kick out of the card and little gift I bought at that store.

At the store I found a cake, picked up a couple of those number candles to represent their years together, went to the toy section.

I picked out a couple of figures to put on the cake to represent bride and groom.


So... how do I feel about marriage now?

I helped two people I love with the ceremony to make that commitment today, and I have been thinking, how do I feel about my marriage now?

First, I feel a little sad about it. That is reasonable. A part of me grieves over the loss of the dreams I had of our future. I get that.

I think the loss of dreams was a big part of my grief over Willy’s death... the loss of the dreams I had for him, for him and I, for him and us. It was a part of the sadness I felt when I realized my children will not go to college, will not be able to discuss the fine points of literature or science or theology. So, I feel a little sad about not being able to walk through this life with the certainties I thought I had when I said my vows.

But, it is OK.

Just as I love those boys with all of my heart, I still love my wife. I have no certainties that we will be able to work through our problems and make it to old age together, but I think I’m going to be OK with that.

With every passing year I have become more accustomed to thinking about eternity. Just as I have become more accustomed to thinking large about the size of the universe, and thinking large of the incredibly small, just as I have become used to thinking about the great stretches of time this universe has already passed through, and the amazing range of the electromagnetic spectrum. (If the electromagnetic spectrum was a line stretching from Los Angeles to Anchorage the portion we see with our eyes would comprise a little over an inch of it.)

I see my marriage, the good and the bad of it, as an experience.

That is all.

The whole range of my life, the four score or so of it, is really quite a small thing.

I see my life as an important experience, something to shape my soul, to give me an interesting starting sprint into eternity.

Hopes and dreams... things of this life I once held as so important, are really very small in the larger view.

I am an eternal being.

What matters is how I live this life. That I live it right, and I feel comforted by the idea of how brief it is.

So, how I feel about my marriage...

It no longer matters so much to me that my marriage will be all I hoped it might be. That doesn’t mean I am not serious about dissolving it if it proves we cannot learn to be partners again or I'm not serious about loving and cherishing and holding her dear.

What it does mean is that I know I am called to stand true, to be obedient to God, and to love.

I love my wife. That isn’t the same as falling in love, as if it is some huge puddle I tripped into. It isn’t something that happened to me. It is something I am doing.

I love my wife in the sense that love is an action, a verb. It is what I believe I am called to do. At least what I am to do today. And today is all I can really do anything about.

I haven’t any control over the future. I do not know what will happen. I do not know what she will do, or what may happen because of the responsibilities of continuing to care for these two boys.

I cannot undo what has happened to our marriage. I cannot recreate the wholeness of the dream I had for us. One cannot unscramble an egg.

This is an awkward experience. I still feel uncomfortable with my wedding ring. I still feel tension with my wife.

But I love her, I will continue to love her.

This body I’m in right now will someday cease to move, cease to breathe. But I will not die. And all of this... my marriage, my sons, the jobs I have had, the adventures and misadventures I’ve had, will be merely experiences I went through on my way to eternity.

I’m OK with that.