Sunday, November 7, 2010

A New Love

I have tried to write a post about this latest chapter in my life... but... it didn't feel right.

Now a good friend has asked me some pointed questions and in answering her I wrote from the heart and I think, with a little editing to protect some privacy, I can share it with you.


Fair enough.

I tried to write a post about it... but, I have to be delicate about M's rights, ---'s rights, and share the elements I feel are most important, all are difficult.

Perhaps what I write now can be the seed and rough draft for a post.

So, here goes.

I'll answer your questions in roughly the order given.

How Long have I known M? Not long. I exchanged emails for a couple of weeks through eHarmony. Out first date was September 28. Our second date was September 29th. Our third date was September 30.

She does not have children. She has never been married. She had one serious relationship about 18 years ago. She has been praying for someone to share her life with, but gave up just 3 weeks before I contacted her. She prayed about it and told God she would give it one more try, me, before settling for a single, celibate life.

Since that first week we have gotten together about once a week. She comes down and stays with her friend, J, in Hillsboro. J had talked her into moving down to Oregon. So, just as we met, she was moving her furniture from her condo to a storage unit and looking for work in Oregon. She now has leased her condo out and is staying with her brother until she can find a job here, staying with her current job in Kirkland until then.

I spoke with T about her quite a bit. In fact I have arranged for him to provide couple's counseling and she and I have already taken the initial surveys (Christian) and the initial reports are already back.

I also called a meeting with my Moon Howling buddies and spent quite a bit of time sharing with them about this.

Would DG approve? I think he does. We have gone over there and had desert with them. I've spoken with him several times, and he has had no words of warning, and I he wouldn't be shy.

There are the answers to your questions, now for the real stuff.

I have thought about this a great deal, and have prayed over it an enormous amount.

I have questioned myself... is this because I am lonely? Is this because I want a woman in my house? Nope, nope.

I looked around. I have been discriminating. --- is a good person. But, she wasn't for me, I am not right for her.

That is all I want to say about that except, I watched our relationship, and did not push it past what was right. I knew when it was time to rethink it.

At one point in eHarmony I had 168 women on my match list. I looked carefully at them. I corresponded. There were probably 30 or 40 I emailed more than 3 times.

Of those I dated about a dozen of them.

Of those I took 4 of them out at least three times.

Two of those were special. I felt an instant friendship with them, a closeness. But neither of them felt like they were meant for me as a mate (though one of them feels she would have and is, despite my best efforts, is quite hurt, though we never did more than hold hands for a minute or two). But, though I think they would be good friends, I don't think they are meant to be more.

Then there is M.

She took weeks to respond to my inquiries.

Finally we started emailing.

Our first date was at Giovanni's in Beaverton. I thought we had been in the restaurant for an hour, but... it was three!

I instantly felt great excitement about her.

She is very innocent. Never done drugs. No children. Hasn't much in the way of hobbies... except church. She is passionate about the Lord.

Every night we talk to each other for an hour or so. And every night we pray together for about twenty minutes. Last night I couldn't sleep. It was after 1:00 a.m. and I texted her. She was awake, so I called. We each lay in the dark and talked for over an hour.

I tried to get to that sort of sharing with Brenda for many years.

I prayed a lot. And there were three times the Lord sent me a confirmation.

1. I alluded to this this morning in church. I was praying a prayer of thanksgiving. I was thanking the Lord for all the things He has done for me. I was especially thanking Him for the times He showed up when things were rough. Willy's death. Understanding the challenges of our sons. Brenda's first affair. The church fire. Brenda's second affair. Our divorce. Then, quite clearly, I got a message, which could be put this way:

"I am also there in the good times. I am going to give you something good now."

2. M and I were on the couch, talking. Suddenly her appearance changed. Her hair had grey in it, her face, age lines, and I had the sudden certainty I would see that for real. I will live long enough to share years with this woman.

3. A real concern I have about a potential relationship with M is a desire she has: children. She isn't adamant about it, she had pretty much given up on that dream, even the dream of finding a partner, but still, it is there. And I needed to consider it.

I have had that dream. For so many years Brenda and I tried to have children. We bought this house while we were overjoyed about her pregnancy. That was a tubal pregnancy which could have killed her.

Still, there were several times I was reassured by the Lord I would have children. Once it was a verse sent by a missionary who had met my mother, telling her that she (Mom) had a son who wanted children and the Lord had a verse for me... a psalm of King David's about a man having many children (Psalm 127:5).

I prayed for so many years for children. I felt God told me I would have children. I kept bringing up the story of Abraham and reminding God He had promised Abraham children and gave him promised the children. I promised God that if He gave me a child I would do as Abraham did, and give my child to God.

I did.

After getting Willy I held a celebration of thanksgiving, inviting friends to a huge meal in celebration and where I promised to raise that child in any way God wanted.

And God took him.

I hurt.

But, God was there, through it all. I was hurt, angry, and grateful for God's continued presence. I angrily told God I was upset, that God had asked Abraham to give Him Isaac, but He took my son.

Then, He gave me two children... the first... Isaac. Isaac was two, and he had the name echoing the promise God gave Abraham.

Still, secretly, I wished for a child of my own flesh. It was an undercurrent to many of our marital problems.

Over the years I gave up on that dream. I have, in recent years, given up the idea I would have biological children and have begun dreaming other plans for my future.

Now, here is M wondering if I might be willing to fulfill that dream of hers.

I took it to God in prayer.

Reluctantly. Am I too old for children? I am 54.

And, I clearly heard:

"How old was Abraham when I fulfilled my promise to him?"

Abraham accepted he was too old (100).

So... there are the three confirmations.

Meanwhile, I find myself enthralled with her.

She isn't perfect. I see how she has little interest in the things I am so curious about, science and art, and all sorts of music and literature. But, she is interested in sharing my life, and loves learning of the things I like to think about. (But seriously, who would be so enraptured by such stuff? For example, I have lately been reading all I can about three subjects, dark matter, magnatars, and entangled particles. HA! Seriously, who else thinks about this stuff?)

But, she is strong in her faith. Perhaps a touch pentacostal, but maybe that isn't really a bad match for me either!

To me she is incredibly beautiful. I know she isn't a perfect beauty, but there are features she has which I have memorized. Her eyes... There is a curve to the inside of her upper eyelids I find enchanting. I also love the smooth curve of her neck. Her fingers... I have never seen such long nails... not the part which stick beyond the fingertips, but the part over the end of the fingers. Her fingers are slender and lovely, and the nails increase that impression.

I think about her all the time. I love her. I love her in a way I never loved Brenda. I trust her. I believe in her.

I believe she is someone God has made for me.

Does that answer all your questions?



Anonymous said...

Excellent! A break in your loneliness.

Ame said...


HennHouse said...

So exciting... it is clear in your words...

Will be praying as you delve into this new relationship that in many ways already seems seasoned.

Toyin O. said...

Good for you, may God bless your union.

Reva said...

Wow... after reading this I am so excited for the both of you ! I was a bit apprehensive when I first heard... but, I guess I'm a bit protective, too. I want you happy. But, seriously, after reading this it sounds like you found a wonderful gal ! And You are not too old for kids, either. Plenty of people have babies at your age and older. So exciting !!!!!

Anonymous said...

Interesting read, Will. All the best old neighbor.


Jada's Gigi said...

You are sunk, buddy. :) God is so amazing..isn't he?? Congratulations! I am so happy for you.