Forgiveness (And a P.S.!)

A friend pointed out how much my previous post (“Wary”) dealt with forgiveness. I thought it more about suspicions, but in rereading it I see his point.

Since I meant to write about being suspicious, but seem to have been thinking about forgiveness, perhaps I should pause and think a moment about what forgiveness means, at least to me.

If I am suspicious have I forgiven?

I think I have.

Being suspicious can be (might not be, but can be) a logical response to circumstances. I began this relationship trusting. That was spent. Trust must be earned again.

Forgiving is different than trust.

Forgiving is a gift one gives to another and to oneself.

It seems Brenda has not forgiven me for mistakes I have made. She holds old decisions I made, choices I made, against me.

She is still angry about them.

She uses those mistakes as justification for her own actions, reasons for her actions. She is angry at me, and perhaps at herself.

In continuing to blame me I feel a little betrayed again. It feels she is unrepentant of her own mistakes, mistakes I can't help but see as larger than my own.

But that isn’t the point.

What happens when one forgives? What happens when one doesn’t?

I forgive her.

Regardless of what happens in the future, I forgive her.

Forgiving her doesn’t make her happy.

It may be the reverse. It may be that in forgiving I make things harder for her.

She may feel greater remorse because I forgive her. She may feel greater embarrassment. She may feel a debt. She may feel pressure to give me what she thinks I want.

It isn’t much of a gift if it is a burden.

On the other hand, in seeing how she remains angry at me, has not forgiven me, seeing how unhappy she is with our life, it feels she is unrepentant.

Whether or not that is true, I’ve been thinking, what does that mean? What does it mean to forgive someone who isn’t sorry, is unrepentant, doesn’t want forgiveness?

I thought forgiving someone was about making them feel better. I thought forgiveness is a a gift, a bit of grace, perhaps undeserved grace, given to another.

I don’t think it is.

I have asked her to forgive me for my mistakes. She once said she had, but I see she hasn’t.

I’m sorry about that. I won’t repeat my mistakes. I can work to compensate for my errors. But that is all I can do. Time is assymetrical (in this dimension), running in the direction of entropy. I cannot go back in time and undo anything.

But she pays a greater price. In not forgiving she clings to her pain.

Perhaps it helps her feel justified in her own mistakes, but it also keeps her angry, unhappy.

My mistakes happened, they are in the past and I cannot undo them. But those same mistakes continue to hurt her, or rather, she continues to hurt herself with them.

And there is the epiphany. Forgiveness does more for the one forgiving than the one forgiven.

A lot of implications there. If in forgiving we heal ourselves a little, does living a life of forgiving others make one happier? Healthier?

Does continual forgiving (turn the other cheek) make one a doormat? If we are seen as someone who will forgive anything, will others take advantage of us?

I forgive her. I forgive her for hurting me, for betraying me.

When I think too much about that hurt, when the anger returns a little, I am stealing back some of that forgiveness. It doesn’t affect her, it affects me. When I say a prayer, and give it up again, forgive again, the small relief I feel is the light touch of healing.

Forgiving her does not make me a doormat.

First, forgiving is hard work. When I forgive I am wrestling with myself, conquering my emotions. Forgiving isn’t about letting someone walk over you. It is being strong enough to control your emotions. It is loving yourself enough to stop letting something continue to hurt you.

Additionally, forgiving does not mean becoming available, welcoming, further hurts.

If she proves untrustworthy, if she betrays me again, I will divorce her. I will probably forgive her, but I will divorce her. A future hurt is a part of accepting the risk I take in letting her come back. It hasn’t anything to do with forgiving.

Forgiving is for me. It is letting something go so it doesn’t continue to hurt me.

And that brings me to the next epiphany.

Forgiving someone is not a matter of telling anyone about it.

Forgiveness lets us off the hook, not the other person. If we forgive and make a point of letting the other person know, especially if we make a grand gesture in forgiving, we are seeking control, seeking to elevate ourselves.

Telling the person we forgive them should happen only if it helps the other person, if the other person is seeking that forgiveness, needs to know they are forgiven.

When Jesus was on the cross he said “Father forgive them, they know not what they do.” Jesus wasn’t forgiving us. He had already forgiven us. He had endured much already, and He could have extricated Himself at any time. He accepted it all, took it, forgiven us, starting when he received that disciple’s kiss.

On the cross He was pleading our case. He was asking the Lord God to share His gift of forgiveness, extending His forgiveness into the trinity.

I’m not sure what to make of the part of the Lord’s Prayer that says: “forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.”

It implies we are only going to be forgiven as much as we are able to forgive.

Obviously not the case.

Jesus has taken on the sins of the world, sins of each of us, my sins. I can never match His grace. Therefore that line isn’t a description of how salvation works. If that were the case, if I were to be forgiven only as much as I forgive, then I am doomed.

Perhaps that line from the prayer is a reminder of that point. We are not able to forgive that much, that consistently, that freely. Perhaps it is there to remind us that we have been given grace beyond price and the least we can do is give out a little now and then.

If I could learn to live a life filled with forgiveness, not nescessarily opening myself, allowing others, to hurt me, but forgiving them so I can let the past go. I know I would be happier, healthier.

So what is forgiving for?

Forgiving is for giving us, for giving ourselves, freedom. Freedom from the hurts others have given us.

Forgiving is for healing.

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Look at this picture carefully, and then...
See my comment!