What I'd like to Say

She asked me to take her back.

She has cheated. She has deceived. She has betrayed. And she asked me to take her back.

And I did.

I can't shake my suspicions. I can't escape my anxiety.

I can't be obedient to God in not worrying.

We share the same bed, even if I spend the first part of the night on the couch to slow my pounding heart.

I know her well. I know her heart. I can see her fears and doubts and her longings.

I see her desire to control her life, and to control those in her life.

I know she is angry over much. About me. About her childhood. About the failings of our children.

I have heard her say too often how she wishes we hadn't adopted Jeremiah, and still holds the destruction of our church against him.

And in my heart, in the anger of my heart where I stuff my feelings which I believe would hurt more than heal, which feel like emotions my Lord does not approve of, there are things I want to say, to shout.

Brenda... I can't say this, but if I could, this is what I'd like to say:

Snap out of it!

Yeah, life sucks. Yeah, you have been hurt.

But get a grip!!!

You vowed to be my wife. To stand beside me, to forsake all others. You have broken that solemn promise. More than once.

So, we can't undo that. But get a little integrity! You can be and do what you want. Stand up. Look at the muck you are churning up around you and climb out of it!

Be my wife or move on.

If you want to live a life of integrity, stand up, come along side me, look in my eyes, take my arm, walk with me.

But stop the faking a marriage crap!

Yeah, Jeremiah played with fire. Maybe he even has a proclivity for doing bad things. But we all do. We all sin, we all fall short.

I love Jeremiah.

I love you.

But from where I stand, Jeremiah has not done anything any worse than the things you have done. He did not intend to hurt others. You have.

You have fallen, but you can get back up, accept my forgiveness, accept God's, and get back up.

I have asked you to share my life. So, get off your ass and be my partner!

Yeah, Willy died. You were barren, could not bear a child to fill that void in your heart, and we adopted Willy, and he died.

It sucks. It really sucks! I ache when I think about that terrible day.

The shadow of his tiny life is still on my heart.

But, there is joy in the world! God is real. He loves you.

There is beauty. There are wonders and majesty and loveliness. Open your eyes to beauty!

Just because there is shit in the yard doesn't mean you have to sit in it.

If you became ill, if you needed someone to feed you, keep you clean, tell you that you are loved, I would do it.

I do not think you would do that for me. You would leave me, run off with someone who promised adventure.

You don't deserve my devotion. But you have it.

If you were to screw up again I would finally be free. I would know that I did my best to save this marriage, far beyond what I should have done. But if you betray me again, it would mean my freedom.

But this life I offer you is something you should desire. I have been strong and kind and loved when I was hurt. This is a quiet adventure that would give you a life that in the end you would find more fulfilling.

So, shut up... Stop moaning. Love. Forgive. Be true.