Wednesday, June 18, 2008

What I'd like to Say

She asked me to take her back.

She has cheated. She has deceived. She has
betrayed. And she asked me to take her back.

And I did.

I can't shake my suspicions. I can't escape my anxiety.

I can't be obedient to God in not worrying.

We share the same bed, even if I spend the first part of the night on the couch to slow my pounding heart.

I know her well. I know her heart. I can see her fears and doubts and her longings.

I see her desire to control her life, and to control those in her life.

I know she is angry over much. About me. About her childhood. About the failings of our children.

I have heard her say too often how she wishes we hadn't adopted Jeremiah, and still holds the destruction of our church against him.

And in my heart, in the anger of my heart where I stuff my feelings which I believe would hurt more than heal, which feel like emotions my Lord does not approve of, there are things I want to say, to shout.

Brenda... I can't say this, but if I could, this is what I'd like to say:

Snap out of it!

Yeah, life sucks. Yeah, you have been hurt.

But get a grip!!!

You vowed to be my wife. To stand beside me, to forsake all others. You have broken that solemn promise. More than once.

So, we can't undo that. But get a little integrity! You can be and do what you want. Stand up. Look at the muck you are churning up around you and climb out of it!

Be my wife or move on.

If you want to live a life of integrity, stand up, come along side me, look in my eyes, take my arm, walk with me.

But stop the faking a marriage crap!

Yeah, Jeremiah played with fire. Maybe he even has a proclivity for doing bad things. But we all do. We all sin, we all fall short.

I love Jeremiah.

I love you.

But from where I stand, Jeremiah has not done anything any worse than the things you have done. He did not intend to hurt others. You have.

You have fallen, but you can get back up, accept my forgiveness, accept God's, and get back up.

I have asked you to share my life. So, get off your ass and be my partner!

Yeah, Willy died. You were barren, could not bear a child to fill that void in your heart, and we adopted Willy, and he died.

It sucks. It really sucks! I ache when I think about that terrible day.

The shadow of his tiny life is still on my heart.

But, there is joy in the world! God is real. He loves you.

There is beauty. There are wonders and majesty and
loveliness. Open your eyes to beauty!

Just because there is shit in the yard doesn't mean you have to sit in it.

If you became ill, if you needed someone to feed you, keep you clean, tell you that you are loved, I would do it.

I do not think you would do that for me. You would leave me, run off with someone who promised adventure.

You don't deserve my devotion. But you have it.

If you were to screw up again I would finally be free. I would know that I did my best to save this marriage, far beyond what I should have done. But if you betray me again, it would mean my freedom.

But this life I offer you is something you should desire. I have been strong and kind and loved when I was hurt. This is a quiet adventure that would give you a life that in the end you would find more fulfilling.

So, shut up... Stop moaning. Love. Forgive. Be true.


8 comments:

Aphra said...

In the church I went to before there was a birdcage with a bird in it (not a real bird) and the door to the cage was open. Your post made me think of that with the birdcage and what you wrote. The door is open, the bird can be free- the bird just has to chose to do that.

I think I need to take some of the advice you gave too. Thank you!

Aphra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Curious Servant said...

Felt like ranting today...

Jada's Gigi said...

I have learned one thing...life is hard, just plain hard..for every one of us...
ranting is sometimes allowed.

Anonymous said...

Yup, you've got it!!!!
SS

Amrita said...

dearest Will,
God also takes us back when we 've been horribly un-faithful. He took me back scars, wounds and all.You have the mind of Christ, that 's what I feel, how else can you do it.

Brenda needs deep heling. Have you read Neil Anderson, David Saemands and Charles Krafr. Maybe the things descrided in those books might help Brenda. its a supernatural battle.

Will can i direct my BIL and some very trusted blogfriends to this blog. They will pray for you and encourage you.They don 't live in your area.But I really wish i could personally meet you.

Anonymous said...

will, it's not your job to change how brenda feels or thinks. only God can change her. you have control only of yourself - which thought you'll entertain and which emotion you'll welcome. i'm saying this because in this case, we're on the same boat. yo can only pray for brenda always. trust God to heal her thoughts, emotions and her whole being. will, everyday is a battle, but we have to make up our minds to stand in the gap for our spouses and stick to it. do not let go. i believe that in God's perfect timing, we'll see the change in our spouses and our family. i am praying for you and your wife still. i'm not letting go. don't let go. i believe that God doesn't want you to give up. you can count on me to stand in agreement with you.

(((HUGS)))

Unknown said...

Sounds like you desperately want to let go but are wrestling with too much guilt over the idea of it.
But then I failed both my major of Psychology and minor of Philosophy, so I'm sure I'm wrong.

Call me if you want.

Love,
Justin