Boy, you gonna carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
Boy, you gonna carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
I never give you my pillow
I only send you my invitations
And in the middle of the celebrations
I break down
Boy, you gonna carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
Boy, you gonna carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
--Paul McCartney
Carry that weight a long time
Boy, you gonna carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
I never give you my pillow
I only send you my invitations
And in the middle of the celebrations
I break down
Boy, you gonna carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
Boy, you gonna carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
--Paul McCartney
“How are you doing?”
“So, so. Wondering if I’m a terrible person.”
“Yeah, me too.”
She laughed.
“What, wondering if I’m a terrible person?!”
“Yeah.”
That made her pause.
“You have made a lot of mistakes,” I continued “...and I can understand why you would be hard on yourself...
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about you, thinking about me. I’ve replayed the conversations we had, ones when you were having an affair but I hadn’t proof yet. I’ve thought about how you deceived me, hurt me...
“And I have thought over the 28 years we had together. Not to find how I was right and you were wrong, but to find the truth about it all. I want to be honest with myself, really know what was true, what was deception, yours, mine...
“I made a lot of mistakes... Knowing what was true is healthy...
“You have to come to terms with it too. You need to get to a place where you forgive yourself, like yourself again. That isn’t up to me, I am not responsible for your happiness, but you won’t get there as long as you are wondering if you are a terrible person. I hope you find your way.”
She took the boys to her sister’s for the day... I did chores around the house. It felt good to have time to do what I wanted to get done with the boys occupied elsewhere.
This is a good sign. I’m learning to be content with who I am, not dependent on my dreams to provide promises of happiness.
I’ve had some folks suggest I find someone, a girlfriend. I tell them I’m not interested in casual.
I had thought I would spend all my life with just one woman. That little fantasy is gone.
But that isn’t to say I can’t still have the second half of that dream... Just won’t be with that one woman. I might still find someone I can spend the rest of my life with... Someone I will bury, or will bury me.
I’ve even thought about future kids. Not sure I’m up to the starting from scratch thing, but I love kids, and I can see myself finding someone with a young child who needs a father and I can enjoy the raising of kids once more. But if not, that’s OK too. I can be happy and healthy alone.
I had an epiphany tonight. I was with some friends at Dairy Queen. One friend spoke of the lasting effect of his younger brother’s death to SIDS, how it still affected his parents.
Just the thought of SIDS a few months ago brought back waves of nausea and grief... until tonight.
See, just a few months ago I still felt tremendous guilt over Willy’s death... That I laid him for the first time on his tummy to sleep that day. That I had let him cry himself to sleep for the first time. That I had sat there and listened to his crying and forced myself to let him sleep without my rocking him... until his cries had faded and he died. That I believed, irrationally, that I was somehow at fault.
But tonight, I realized, I don’t believe that lie I’ve told myself for sixteen years. It was terrible. It was tragic. But... it wasn’t my fault.
I think that is a healthy sign. I have put that weight down at last.
I got a little choked up talking to Brenda about our failed marriage, but it was much, much healthier. It was put in a better perspective.
I still miss adult conversation at night. I still dislike sleeping alone. I still want to share my life with another... but it isn’t a terrible idea to imagine I won’t. I can be happy with whatever life lies ahead of me. I still get sad now and then... but, in a more balanced way.
I see that being nice can lead to being a doormat. I like to be kind, but being nice to appease someone isn't healthy. I want to be kind again, just for the sake of being kind, not to make nice.
That was another thing I carried for too long.
I think I’m putting that weight down as well.
6 comments:
(previous comment had a zillion typos - hence deletion)
There are bad days and there are less bad days following the aftermath of marriage breakdown and divorce...eventually there are glimpses of good days, and then they actually become a reality. It's like the sunshine. The sun is always shining, but the clouds get in the way of us seeing that the sun is shining. Somedays we will see the sun shine, others will be nothing more than terential downpour.
I encourage you not to think about meeting someone else, and not to allow others to go on about it. You need time to heal, getting into a relationship at this point would do neither you, nor a girflfriend, any good at all...not in the long term anyway, relationships need healthy foundations to build on, if you see what i mean....not having a dig at you.
Eventually, it may be that you do meet someone to share the rest of your life with, and for what it is worth, though i don't know you in real time, i think you must be an awesome kind of Dad. And i can say that because my daughter has never known her father and my son's father, well, he loves our son but he doesn't do much with him apart from play on stupid console games and watch videos...i see all these posts of yours showing all the things you have done with your boys and i realise that that is the way it should be with a dad.
Maybe i shouldn't have shared all that, but having been single after divorce for many years now, i can honestly say that it would have to be a very special man to entice me into a relationship...sometimes the pendulum swings perhaps too far the other way and we realise that we can be content, even when not involved in a relationship...
Just some thoughts :-)
Brother Will... you are doing great! I'm smiling huge here. :)
Now you can live for yourself, for the future. Not for others, not in the past.
Wow...very thought provoking, Will. I can relate to so much of what you're saying...takes me back about 4 years when I was dealing with the same stuff.
You will get through this. It's painful right now, and the loneliness can be unbearable. My advice...
1) don't hesitate to rely on your support system (friends and family)...they can be instrumental in helping you get through this, but only if you let them, and
2) give it time. I'm not sure I believe that time heals all wounds, (do we ever fully heal from that kind of devastation?), but it certainly helps us develop a new perspective on love, marriage, relationships, etc.
For me personally, I couldn't have gotten to the point I'm at without the support of the people closest to me...but I had to ask for it. Being the classic introvert that I am, I'm not good at asking for help...the last thing I want to do is impose on other people. But I realized I needed them and it turned out they were just a phone call away.
I know I'm rambling, but I guess my point is, you're not alone. So many of us have been where you're at. And for what it's worth, in the short time I've known you, I've seen what a great guy you are...you're kind and nurturing...and a wonderful teacher. Your boys are so lucky to have you as their dad.
Anyway, I stopped by to check out your blog after the "sewing" post was brought up in class Sunday morning. I'll definitely be back to get the updates.
Oh...and that adult conversation you're craving? It's just a phone call away.
Sounds like you've come as far in the last few months as you have in the last 50 years;-)
I have nothing but admiration for you Will.
Amazing progress!!
Love,
J.
still here reading...
Post a Comment