Smiles

Note: This post is a cheat. I am going to my writer’s group tonight. I need to have something something written within the next two hours and 13 minutes. So... I pasted in a part of an email I wrote... I’m going to edit it down a bit... and then starting adding to it. Hence, the strange twist in my writing will probably be evident.

The nearest town is twenty miles away. It has a population of 37. It takes another hour to get to a city of 7,000.

This place is large. One hundred residents. First class pools, equipment, landscaping... 46,000 acres. The sports center has two acres under its roof. The largest continuous wood floor in the Western United States. Two Olympic size pools connected to make a “T”. The cafeteria, almost a nice restaurant, is probably six times the size of the one in my kids’ school.

All donated time and money.

Walking along the wide, covered sidewalks, it wasn’t the buildings and manicured lawns that is impressive.

It’s the smiles.

Four hundred volunteers had gotten together to join the one hundred residents walk ast each other, cheerful, joyous.

I’ve never been around so many of my own faith with a common purpose, to help care for this place.

The smiles...

Genuine, open. Hundreds.

I had begun to relax. Really relax.

There was a meeting were twenty or so of us met to discuss the day’s work. From infants to men much older than I, we gathered, discussed the projects, and then worshipped.

Someone handed Jeremiah a drum. He looked at me just briefly, enough to assure himself it was OK with me, Strange drum... a sort of a cube. And he was awesome! From song to song he changed rhythms, and blended with the guitar perfectly.

We dug a four foot wide section through the lawn, filter fabric, three inches of crushed rock. A sprinkler in the system around two sides of the condominium building five disadvantaged women live in. A perforated by pipe carrying roof water to a creek we built, lined with boulders and smaller rocks. Another path around the building to a little bridge. The porches and roof trim were repainted.

There were two worship services.

For the first time... the first time ever, I heard Jeremiah sing the worship songs with me.

I glanced at him and his face was beaming.

I don’t look around during worship. In fact, for the last fifteen years I have worshipped with my eyes closed, peeking only when I am unsure of the words.

I understand those who look at folks like me and see it as a self-induced excited state. I understand the scientific thought and research regarding human psychological and perhaps physical (brain) need for God.

Whatever.

I love science, but it is just a system, a particular way of looking at what exists.

None the less, there is a presence drifting through us, there are reactions within our hearts, our minds. I feel it. Others do as well.

There is a sense of a consciousness considering us. I feel an awareness near me, gentle, loving, and impossibly powerful.

Deliciously terrifying.

That is what God is to me.

If His holiness isn't in mind when I turn my heart and mind to Him, then I’m not really thinking about what I am doing.

The universe is at least 28 billion light years across. It has been around for approximately 14 billion years.

Time is not the moving thing we like to think of it as...

It simply is. Every moment lasts forever. The past is still occurring. The future is already here (effect can precede cause). A tremendously large universe.

Through all that area, those huge distances, that huge span of time, is a being who is so much the ideal personification of Love that He exists in a community of love and has intentionally created beings with souls free to love or reject.

The I AM!

What a fearful thing to draw near to such intense purity, holiness, love. Deliciously terrifying. It frightens me terribly yet makes me feel special, unique, cared for, loved, important. His presence, His very existence, make me tremble.

His pleasure is sweeter than anything else this world offers.
Why should I be concerned about the thoughts and reactions of those around me while I worship when the Lord God Himself is pleased I open my heart to Him?

-----------------------

As for Antelope...

It is awesome. It is so much more than I had hoped it would be. It would be a good life for Jeremiah. There are obstacles to getting him there. The county and state are still demanding he live in a residence with a sprinkler system. They believe he can only function in a group home and this does not fit that criteria. There is a process in play that is searching for a temporary home for him. I would have very little authority about where he lived, I’d be giving him over to the control of the state.

I could go on and on of how the camp is ideal.... 100 residents who would love him, are a part of a Christian community, a built in family and friends. The facilities are first rate, He would have useful work, would make a difference with his hands and smile. He would be contributing to the world than doing only Special Olympics or bowling, or going to movies.

He would be happy and productive (which is perhaps the only way to be happy).

Meanwhile... the June deadline for the other funds is looming close (June) and I don't think it will be met. He will lose that opportunity, that resource. But, that may be best, there were strings attached, authority, and though it is a lot, apparently it doesn’t cover all he needs.

The group home I like for him is full, and the man who was at death's door there has made a remarkable recovery. The owner is considering opening a second home in May, but that may not be soon enough, and he can't take him with the county's blessing because the house lacks a sprinkler system. Those systems stat around $10,000 in new construction. An existing house would be more.


What an amazing offer! I’m unsure what to do with that, but, perhaps I can use it as a bargaining chip.

I have had much anxiety in my life over the last couple of years. It has aged me.

I have a lot of concerns about Jeremiah's future. It is a complex situation without easy answers and much work to do no matter which path is taken. He who stands outside of time, who sees my life as the tiniest of paisley forms woven into the fractal fabric of the universe... He knows. That powerful eye falls on me.

My anxiety is a difficult thing to set down... but I know... this powerful entity of purity I cannot fathom loves me.

It will be OK.

Those smiles.

This weekend I felt a strange thing. My face’s skin had a weird sensation.

My face was relaxed and I was smiling.

I’ve noticed a lot more grey in my beard. I’ve noticed a wrinkle deepen between my eyebrows and down from the corner of my mouth.

The muscles around those little creases took a couple of days off this weekend. I spent the weekend smiling an easy, relaxed smile.

There was a man I spent an hour or so talking to. I can’t explain the conversation... But we were close. We recognized each others as a couple of strangers, a couple of guys, who happen to be brothers, who have the same Father. We found each other and suddenly talked truth.

I saw his reactions to the same terrifying presence I felt.

I really like that camp.

I'm still smiling.