There is a stain on the living room carpet. I tried many ways to remove it and now accept it will be there until I replace that carpet someday.
It’s Good Friday. For another hour or so anyway.
Despite the seriousness I have for my faith, I know that the recognition of my failings, repentance of my failings, does not mean I have shed all trace of stain.
I love my sons.
I feel ambiguous over their futures.
It is a good thing Jeremiah is headed to a group home. He will be cared for all his life, I will see him as often as I like, I realize my reservations about this are as much about my own insecurities of my changing future as the ache I feel in seeing his fear.
I want to be more than I am.
I want my faith to be fully expressed in my life.
I want to forgive her.
I just can’t seem to do it. Not yet.
I know God. It isn’t theological. It isn’t emotional or logical or physical. I know God. I know He is a part of my life, a part of who I am. There is a spiritual aspect of who I am, what I am, and within that spirit that animates this body, I feel the twisting, fluttering, roiling reality of a powerful entity which, Who, breathes more than life into me. I know God in that stirring within.
I want to forgive her.
I want to lay that particular burden down for I know that resentment, the failure to forgive, is a poison.
I don’t vent my resentment or anger. I don’t share with her the thoughts I have about her. It would be pointless. It would not change anything, only create more wounds for she and I. Failing to forgive her does no harm to her, only to me, and I want to forgive her.
I just can’t seem to do it now.
I prayed fervently tonight I be able to shed those feelings. I want to be more than I am.
This life has been along an interesting path. Not the graceful winding trail through gentle woods I would have chosen, but that is OK.
I think aging isn’t so much about having traveled far. I think it’s more about the terrain.
We loved that dog. But he died. We still have the stain he left on the carpet.
I loved my wife. But she is gone. And I still have the stain of failing to fully forgive her.
I think someday I would like to yank that carpet out, replace it with wood and rugs.
Tonight I offered up my lack of forgiving, and though I feel it will be someday possible, stark honesty requires I admit I haven’t replaced the carpet of that failed marriage.
I know it will come.
Just not quite yet.
I’m trying...
About Me
- Curious Servant
- I have adopted two boys from Haiti. Both are mentally handicapped. One is is now 20, the other 18. I divorced my wife of 28 years a few years ago and have just remarried, a woman from Belize. I find beauty in many things... many, many things (nature, art, people, space...) and that helps me to survive my deep empathy for so many who suffer. I like to write, and I've written quite a bit on my blogs. I have been thinking about writing a book. Unsure if it should be about the things I have experienced, or fiction (I have an interesting plot line worked out). I'm pretty open about things. I like blended whiskey, but I never have more than two drinks... usually just one, and not often at that. I have had many adventures. Makes me a little different. (Odd?)
5 comments:
Will, the intent to forgive is the most important thing. To want to forgive, even when we are unable to follow through and let go of anger, resentment, feelings of pain attached to the deep hurt we have been caused by another.
I laugh and smile with my ex husband sometimes, but when i think of how he treated me, the things he did to me and my children, an anger rises up inside me. I try not to remember bcause i don't want to entertain such feelings, i want to let go.
Perhaps i am doing what God asks me to do...to reject all the thoughts of the past (with my ex) whenever they enter my head....after all the same is said of sex...to dwell on impure thoughts would be a sin for me as a Catholic, to entertain them (or have them entertain me...) but i try to reject those thoughts when they enter my head. Sex itself is not a sin, it is a gift....remembering past hurts isn't a sin, but entertaining them will only have me opening up deep wounds that have already begun to heal...they benefit me not, to think of them...
Happy Easter to you and yours!
Will,
I remember going through exactly what you're experiencing. This journey has just begun for you...don't expect those feelings towards her to just disappear...even through forgiveness. This will take time, and while it doesn't seem that way now, the pain...the constant thoughts of her...the playing of those mental tapes over and over in your head...all of it will seem less and less over time. I promise.
You should also remind yourself of what forgiveness is...and what it isn't. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, nor does it condone behavior or actions. It's a decision to move forward and let go of the hurt and the negative feelings we have toward those who have caused us pain.
Forgiving doesn't mean we are obligated to allow that person to be a part of our lives again or be friends with them...we all deal with this in different ways depending on our circumstances. Forgiving doesn't make the pain go away completely, but by holding onto the pain, we allow that person's behavior and actions to continue to hurt us.
Forgiveness is a process, not an event. Don't be too hard on yourself so early on.
It's really wonderful that you've found a home for Jeremiah. I'm sure you're afraid for him...that's completely natural, but it's great that he'll be close enough that you can check in on him whenever you want.
Hope you had a wonderful Easter weekend...Kim
Time brother..all things in time.
Will,
I meant to add this to my comment last night, but couldn't remember the name of it so I could find it. My cousin shared it with me when I was going through my divorce.
I hope it helps bring you the same inspiration and comfort. ~Kim
- Broken Dreams -
As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go.
Robert J. Burdette
The fact that you want to be more than you are indicates that you are BECOMING so. This is a good thing.
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