Last night Isaac went to his Senior Prom, Brenda took him.
She asked several times if I wanted to go. It was an important evening... I wanted to hang with Isaac and Jeremiah, but I didn't want to set up a scene where we looked like a family on an outing.
It would have made her feel comfortable and the boys would have liked it. But there are those echoes of our marital life here... I don't want it.
It would make her feel we are being extremely civilized... sharing moments of the boys' lives together, but she going home to her boyfriend and me to an empty bed.
Isaac would have been too busy with friends to notice me... and besides, she and Jeremiah were going to a movie or something.
No, there are large moments which we shall share, graduation, perhaps a wedding or two.
But she threw away our relationship and she doesn't pick and choose what parts of it she would like to keep. I choose too.
So I stayed home.
I was going to fix myself something to eat... but a real meal seems too much trouble for one person. I jumped into the van and drove toward the town's center, choosing a small Mexican Food place which hasn't been open long.
I didn't like eating alone. Almost felt like inviting the waitress to eat with me.
I didn't like it, but it wasn't distasteful enough that I feel the need to find date or something. I'll get used to finding ways to get adult company, conversation, when I need it.
More and more I feel it doesn't matter if I get another spouse. If I do, it will be for the right reasons, because we love and want to share. Not something trivial like company and conversation.
Jeremiah is more and more excited about his move. I am so pleased he is feeling so good about it. My mother in law is moving out temporarily so management can remodel. Jeremiah likes that she is preparing to move out while he is.
I got my last immunization shots for the trip to Thailand. That trip will happen soon, and I will find myself kicking around a small village in a small corner of the world, and things will s-l-o-w down...
The sleep thing is unsteady. A couple of nights ago I got eight hours. The most in two years. Then a night of nightmares, five hours, followed by last night, still awake at 3:30. I had taken two sleeping pills and milk at 9:00. Two more at 2:30. Up at 6:30.
As for my hands... the last week the splitting has stopped and the cracks closed, and now they simply itch. Much better! It's a relief to be able to shake hands again.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and I've pretty much kept it from my thoughts. My boys certainly up to putting together anything for it.
: )
So, that's how I'm doing. I miss having regular adult conversation, eating with someone. But I'm OK. I'm not willing to live on Brenda's terms, I'd rather not go than go in some strange cooperative family outing.
I'll find folks to go eat with if I need them. I'll move Jeremiah out this weekend. I'll wind up the school year and go to Thailand.
11 comments:
You are making godd progress, lonely as it may seem.
I am living an isolated,reclusive life. i understand this.
Ithink I will see this past year as one of change. But I think I will look back at this coming year and see it as a year of beginings.
Happy Birthday, my friend.
Cornhuskers Lotion, dude.
http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=16837&aid=336064&aparam=cornhusker%20lotion&scinit1=cornhusker%20lotion
Happy Birthday, brother Will.
So much good stuff ahead for you... :)
Peace.
Happy Birthday CS! I hope you had a blessed day. If I lived anywhere close I'd love to have dinner with you. I'm happy for Jeremiah, I hope it goes smoothly for him. I'm sure you'll miss him. The trip to Thailand sounds like a welcome respite. I hope you enjoy it and be safe!
Thanks.
My sleep is pretty messed up... not getting enough again...
Jeremiah is looking forward to moving, and had begun packing. I'm more nervous than he is about it.
As for Isaac. The kid is so scattered... I'm afraid all he'll eat is Pop Tarts for breakfast and pizza for dinner.
I'll come back and the lawn will be a month behind on the mowing, the sink will be full of dishes, and the counters will look like they barely survived WWII. Hopefully there won't be any unidentifiable growths in the carpets.
I've been working hard to teach him these things, but, he isn't quit catching the things I toss at him.
Brenda said she would move in while I'm gone. There are two things I don't like about that.
1. This is not her home, and while "sacrificing" a month of her happy new life may relieve some of her feelings of guilt, it simply permits her to take charge again, and I'm tried of her control. Besides, her sense of shame and guilt, I must admit, is a commodity that I spend when there are things she needs to do that truly are helpful. As she gets more comfortable in her new life the less regret she feels. I need to use that resource cautiously through the times that I still need help with the boys.
2. I believe Isaac needs to learn more independence. Even if he screws things up... the garden doesn't get weeded, or even watered... the dishes don't get done... he dresses himself funny sometimes... The fish in the aquarium will probably starve to death, but at least there isn't a dog to worry about. He knows where everything is, and knows how to find help, and will probably spend far too much time staying up late playing video games.
These are mistakes that he needs to make. This is a safe place for him to make them. It is the only home he remembers.
I told Brenda that I'm not comfortable with her simply moving back in while I'm gone. She suggested she do two days here, and two days in Molalla, back and forth. I told her that it might be OK at first, but I want her to back off as quickly as possible and let Isaac learn to fend for himself.
Even the other night, getting ready for prom, she was critically, and a little sarcastic, and I simply helped my sons get ready in ways that were quick and helped them learn.
So... she is coming over, I don't know how often, but I have told Isaac to go to church each week,, make sure he is in touch with others. I'm also asking all my friends to pester him a bit and make sure he is OK.
Time heals all wounds, but it does not do away with the scars.
On the other hand, scars are a sign of healing.
The trouble with time is, it take so much...time.
belated happy birthday, will. i speak blessing, favor, wisdom and peace over you.
hello CS,
hope ya had a good bday!
these choices ... suck. have had to make many; don't like it. we should be a family; stinks.
glad J is going to a very safe and warm place. i imagine he will feel the security of the safety and warmth of his new home and thrive there.
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