Saturday, August 25, 2007

Clear Skin

For years my psoriasis has prevented me from doing many things.

If I used soaps or solvents the rashes would spread across my hands and the skin would flake off. If I put my hands to any use which consisted of vibrations, such as mowing the lawn, running a chainsaw or a rototiller, even hammering or clapping, they would swell and the skin would split. I would leave droplets of blood on anything I touched (imagine handing out papers to students). Even in being careful with what I did or used rashes would spread through my hair, on my ankles, between my toes, itching and bleeding.

It was something which helped me to empathize with the protagonist in Job.

Now, though my stress level is as high as when my son died, the psoriasis is disappearing. It began fading a couple of months ago. My hands didn't split when I mowed or ran a chainsaw. And no matter how much I washed my van or did dishes the rashes faded away. Today there is barely a hint of the rash on my ankle I have carried for over a dozen years. Even the scar from the rash is fading away.

It seems a small consolation to the turmoil in my heart.

My wife says she is no longer attracted to me, she loves another.

I took the advice of a reader who told meto tell her: "Do you even want me to keep fighting for us?"

She didn't answer. I told her I could not stand the pretending we were getting along while we work through legal issues and she secretly calls another man while I am away. She reluctantly said that she would try to find our love again, for the six months it will take to work on these legal issues of our children, but I don't believe her heart is in it.

She told me she didn't see how I could be secure enough to maintain a marriage after what has happened, her two affairs...

"I think those are a bigger problem for you," I replied. "No matter what you do, stay or go, you will carry those choices you made with you. You will have to decide whether to reveal them or hide them. In revealing them you will be sowing a seed of doubt in every future relationship. If you hide them you will not be trusting that the love you have is strong enough to bear the truth."

My skin is no longer painful. But a clear skin does not necessarily cover a clear heart.


Judas Hate said...

I am thinking of you, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Will it's a privilege to be your friend. I admire every part of you from the inside out.
You have every right to tell her to make a choice and not be used.
God calm your tender heart.
Let us know how we can help you.
Of course we'll keep our hearts and prayers open for your wife and reconciliation.

Chris Krycho said...

Praise God for the skin! I am glad for you. That is small consolation in the midst of everything else going on, but I am glad for you in that nevertheless.

I believe there is hope for you - regardless of how this comes out. For your hope is not the hope of this world, but THE Hope, incarnated and eternal. I cannot sympathize, in many ways, but my heart continues to cry out for you in the midst of this... you you will know, moment by moment, Him in whom your hope is. I pray that as you go through work each day, you will be encouraged in the small ways by those you work alongside and by those you teach - for those you are teaching are those with big hearts, in many cases bigger than those of us who are "wiser" and "more mature."

I still find that I have not the words to speak that I wish I did... words that would heal, mend, bring hope. Yet I pray that my words bring the comfort of knowing that you are not entirely alone in this, though many miles separate us. I love you, though we have never met, and our Father's love is an endless well far deeper than mine.

Peace be with you, my brother.

ukok said...


I don't know how you would bear this without the grace of God, how on earth do others without faith in God cope with marriages like this? I know that it was only my Job like cries to God and the outpouring (though unseen) of his grace upon me that enabled me to live each day, and ultimately, to leave.

Prayers continue to ascend.

hebrews 11:1 said...

Hi, CS!

It's been awhile since i could pop over, but I'm here to tell you I'm praying for you, and glad to hear the good news about your skin.

God bless you,
Lil Pilgrim pal

Vicki said...

Interesting about the skin clearing up just as all this other is happening....surely it's a blessing from His hand.

Still, I hear your heart.

I pray at the oddest times for you as the Lord brings you to mind.

A lot can happen in a person's heart over the span of a few months (thinking about Brenda) but whatever the outcome, God will persevere through you. There was wisdom in your words to her.

Our hope is in Him.

Blessings & prayers~

Coco said...

Hello Will,
my opionion- if the wife thinks a man is going to make her "happy"...she's very wrong!! one needs to be "happy" with oneself first before going into a "relationship".

my opinion again (some women might disagree with me) but perimenopause/menopause is a life altering event!! the wife probably feels she has to make a "new" mate change too...that life is running out! that she wants things she didn't have when she was younger!!

my opionion, again... let her at peace with yourself and the Lord.

glad to hear about your skin, though. : )

how is school going?

i'm sorry i haven't stopped by lately...i was sick : (
and my mom's health is going from bad to worse : ( the cancer!!

know that my prayers and thoughts are with you.


onionboy said...

"She told me she didn't see how I could be secure enough to maintain a marriage after what has happened, her two affairs..."

Always the same thing, the perpetrator transposing their weakness and sin on to the other. She can always tell herself it was your fault that the marriage failed (if it does) because you were not strong enough to deal with her sin. My brother went through this. It makes me see red.

From what present here you gave her a good and honest answer. Continuing to remember you.

O | |

Amrita said...

may God heal you completely.

Pray for comfort and strength as you go thru this lonesome valley