Thursday, August 23, 2007

Lord Have Mercy

The counseling session was rough. And it had moments that looked like there may be hope.

Would you think ill of me if I confess that I am so weary of it that I feel like simply encouraging her to leave?

I am a flawed person, and there has obviously been many times that I have not seen to her needs, understood her ways of telling me that she was unhappy, that I was failing her. It is gets tiresome, very tiresome, to hear how this is all my fault.

Still, I have been following the advice of a good friend who told me to simply follow I Corinthians 13. Good advice.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Corinthians 13:4-7

That particular part of the chapter seems especially important. She said things during the session which I felt were distortions or exaggerations...

Love is patient

There were times where I thought I should point out the things she had done wrong...

it keeps no record of wrongs...

There were times when I felt like I should state how upset I am over what is going on...

it is not easily angered...

There were times when I felt I should interrupt and get a chance to talk (in fact I was asked to step out so she could speak freely, giving her more than half the session without me in the room).

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy...

Isn't that what I want from my faith? That it challenges me to be more than I would otherwise be? If my faith is no more than what I would do on my own, then it isn't very large, is it?

The counselor told me not to keep , my feelings bottled up. That I need an outlet. I didn't say anything about this blog.

He said that I have my foot on my emotional accelerator, revving up the engine, upset, jealous, angry, and I have the other foot on the brake, keeping my voice soft, keeping my actions gentle, keeping my thoughts trained on what is good and right, such as this focus on I Corinthians 13.

On Sunday there was a message on humility. Sheesh. I'm feeling pretty humble right now! (I almost sound proud of that, don't I? Lord forgive me.) My wife wants to run away with another man and the only reason she is even going to counseling is because it was one of my stipulations if she were to stay here at all, and the only reason she is staying here even a short while is because of her great sense of responsibility and obligation to get these boys on their own, and even that is just primarily Jeremiah's need for a group home and the legal issues.

I went to the doctor yesterday. I have only been sleeping four or five hours a night. She gave me some prescription samples and I ended up falling asleep about 11:00 and I slept until 4:45. Almost six hours. Better. Tonight I will try the larger dose sample.

I've been spending some time praying. Praying for help from the Lord. The prayer is in the form of an angel, I'm drawing it on the Prayer Room Wall at our church (which you can see on this post at Job's Tale).

I've had two clear angelic experiences, perhaps three. I believe in beings which do not conform to all the laws of Newton.

Brenda is returning from a funeral for an aunt and uncle, and I wish to wrap this up before she returns.

I just want all of you who are reading and praying to know how I am fairing and to thank you heartily for your kind support.



(Pictures can be enlarged by clicking on them.)


Christopher said...

I've caught up on your new blog; I hurt for you, and I don't know what else to say.

It's amazing how the vivid color stands out on the black blog template. maybe that says something about sparks of beauty, kindness, and prayers amidst such darkness.

I hurt for you brother.

wilsonian said...

These pieces you make as you pray... they are absolutely stunning. I don't know how else to say it.

When you're ready to speak in love, do so. It doesn't say anywhere that 'love is silent'. In the end, it won't be helpful to her to allow yourself to take the fall for all of this. She will need to learn different ways to communicate if she is to succeed in any relationship (whether with you, or...).

Lord, have mercy.

Anonymous said...

CS-I am amazed by your love and patience. Reading your words is a lesson for me in my own life. Thank you.

About the sleeping pills, I'm glad you got some as sleep is pretty critical your with stress levels. Just be careful when you take them. Some will cause a fugue state in which you may clean out the fridge (snacking not scrubbing) or make phone calls in the middle of the night you'll regret the next morning.

Stay well,


Judas Hate said...

"Would you think ill of me if I confess that I am so weary of it that I feel like simply encouraging her to leave?"

Of course not.

You know Will, you are a man. A great man, but a man still. HE made us in his image. HE teaches us to try and be "like" Him, not to try and "be" Him.
You are wonderful for being kind, patient, forgiving, loving, but as I said before, she has to be at least somewhat wanting / receptive.
When one covers one's own ass, he leaves his ass vulnerable to attack. What I mean by this is you CAN'T face two opposite directions at the same time. Constantly circling to stave off further hurt does not allow us to move forward.
I would ask Brenda outright, "Do you even want me to keep fighting for us?"
If there is a glimmer of hope in her answer, circle on Brother. If not, step forward.

I am sorry if I have spoken out of turn. I purposefully post the first draft of my comments without revision because they are the most heartfelt and honest. The love is still there if I sugar coat my words, but the meaning sometimes gets lost.

As always, my thoughts and prayers remain with You, Brenda, Jeremiah and Isaac.


Jada's Gigi said...

Its a beautiful from from death..isn't that what He is all about...
still praying for you

bjk said...


onionboy said...

Our present difficulties are different but my heart and thoughts are with you.

O | |

Jim said...

Well, C.S, I am catching up with your things tonight. Sorry it is in spurts.

Judas H. has laid it on the line a little, but you must face up to what might become the hard reality. Sometimes a relationship just cannot be saved by us humans and it seems God just may go along with things, even if he is hurt very badly by our earthly conduct.

I am not sorry in one bit that my first marriage did not work out. Neither of us are. Both of us have gone along with our lives for the better than the years, and especially the latter months, of our marriage.

I give God the credit for bringing Mrs. Jim and me together (three years after the divorce). I was not looking for dates, let alone a new mate when we met.

Sometime I will tell you how we happened to meet and bond, it seems Providential in retrospect.

Now, though, I am praying for you, C.S, and for Brenda, for the boys, and for your marriage. Things can change so don't give up hope. I won't either.

Your angel turned our very nice. This isn't the time for you to tell again, but I'm not sure how you worship and pray while you are drawing also.

Above all 'hang in there!' You are needed in the lives of so many!
One of my favorite Bible vereses is Revelation 22:3 "No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve Him."
We must serve Him here on earth, a lot, then we will be very comfortable serving God in Heaven.
That is what I want to do there, we will be side by side serving Him!

Vicki said...

Forgive me for not posting sooner. A load of stuff happened over here and I'm just now getting my equilibrium back.

I hurt with you. Continuing to pray for you through this, for grace, wisdom, and every enablement you need. Take care of yourself, C.S. You really *do* need restorative sleep to deal with the stress of all this. (I have a sleep disorder, and know how brain fatigue will drag the body down).

Will check back soon.

In His grace,

ukok said...


I haven't had internet at home since Thursday night GB time, so forgive me for not getting over here sooner. I am so thankful that you have posted an update of the counselling session, I was anxious that things had gone very badly and that you were not fairing well.

The art? All I can say is that I wish I had a teacher like you, you must be such an inspiration to so many.

Thank you for thinking of me and for sharing this process, this expression from the very soul of you.

You remain in my prayers...

glassgirl said...

Your art is amazing. I'm sure God is pleased and others are blessed. I'd love to know more about your process.
Praying for you, and yours.