Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Gloves off

We have been talking about our problems with soft, if hurt, words.

That changed this morning.

I did not yell. I did not say hurtful things. But she took the gloves off.

Once again I awoke at 4:00 in the morning. I could feel she was awake.

“I hope we can learn to love each other again,” I said.

“We should have had this disucssion eight months ago,” she snapped.

Then a torrent of anger poured out. A stream of pent up feminine fury coursed through the room and I tried to answer softly. Thatt grew difficult.

Finally, my frustration was too much.

“All I want is for us to learn to talk to each other with kindness, empathy, understanding. I want to get to a place where we seek to help each other, and find a way tto be happy together,” I told her.

“Well, now I am going to hurt you or I am going to hurt him, and you should have listened to me long ago.” She bit the words sharply annd spit them out one at a time. “He left his wife and it’s your fault.”

“That was his mistake, and maybe yours, not mine,” I said.

She went off to lay on the couch. I lay in bed a few minutes, and then got up, showered, went to the church to pray. I couldn’t believe she was trying to make his happiness my responsibility.

After forty minutes she called my cell, told me coffee was made. That sounded hopeful.

The coffee was there, I needed it, but before I had stirred in a shot of chocolate her anger roiled around the room and I was her target.

I went to work. I remain gentle, but I am not a doormat. I am a servant, but not a receptical for another’s unjust anger.

I stopped by the church on the way home. I prayed a little more. It’s an image of an angel.

I knew that Brenda had to leave to pick up Jeremiah, so I called at 12:30 and went with her.

So, the unsteady truce has returned. I am so tired. I simply cannot keep going on four or five hours sleep each night. It has been nearly two weeks.

We see a counselor tomorrow. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.

I need to go pray.

13 comments:

paul said...

Anger...may be the stirring of a guilty heart or a deep wound...or both. Yes, it is common for the spouse to attempt to lay all (or most) of the blame on the other. Responsibility for one's own behaviour is not often seen in those who are...not faithful.

Hang in there. I'm praying for you to be able to walk through the pain.

Pia said...

i'm keeping you and brenda in my prayer. hang in there, bro.

Aphra said...

Good for you on not being a doormat!
The only good thing about expressed anger is that it is not repressed anger. At least you know what she is thinking/feeling. I think what Paul said was very wise indeed.
I'm still praying for you guys.

ukok said...

My heart goes out to you. I wish I had words to console you, but I don't know the outcome and I can't say,'it will be alright'. I only know that God will never give you more than you can cope with, even when it feels like it. I hope that the counselling will help, not least to give you an opportunity to express your own feelings. It's not all about Brenda.

wilsonian said...

Really encouraged that in your pain, you aren't picking up what isn't yours to carry.

Still praying...

Amrita said...

I don 't know waht to say, but if she is expressing her anger its good. Maybe she will feel lighter after that, you too say what you think you should.

Speaking out something can detoxify the system

Anonymous said...

Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy upon Will & Brenda. Help them to cut through the anger. Keep their hearts soft. Give Will a I Corinthians 13 love for Brenda no matter what she says or does. May he be a form of Christ to her. And fill him up, way up, with your Spirit to enable him to be such. Close his eyes, turn off his mind, calm his heart so he can sleep. In Jesus' name, amen.

bjk said...

stay focused on Him CS...He'll guide the softness, surrender, boundaries of what's next.

jel said...

hang in there Brother!


praying

~m2~ said...

yes, i am with erin - do not pick up and own anything that isn't yours -- the fact that this man left his wife had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU -- again, ZIP.

i will not add fuel here, but suffice it to say i am praying for you, feeling for you, hurting with you. hang tight.

curious servant said...

Just checking in... too tired to write a real post.

Usual mixed bag at the counselor. a little hopeful, a lot not so much.

I decided that two weeks of only 4 or 5 hours sleep each night is not enough and I went to the doctor this afternoon. Got som samples for sleep meds and I will try various dosages until I find something just right. hopefully it will only be nescessary for a couple of weeks.

So, tonight I sleep!!!!

I would guess eight hours will make a huge difference.

I'm not sure that the sense of my heart racing and my breath being short and quick is from suppressed emotions or from being queezy and light headed from lack of recuperative sleep, or just general stress.

Either way... I'm looking forward to some rest, a little prayer...

God bless all of you for standing beside us in this dark hour. We need your prayers and I am more grateful than I can express short of a physical hug for each and every one of you.

MMM said...

You know, I read this post with a little more hope. Anger is better than silence when it comes to pain like this. And each of you are saying "ouch", but I agree that you should not assume responsibility for an outside person's pain.

(zips lip)

When and if you are ever in the Desert of the Real, drop me a line. I will give you the physical hug any day of the week.

In the meantime, know that I am standing on my sand dune, watching the distant storm, praying as the wind whips around my shoulders, praying it is the strong wind of positive change.

(wince) That sounds so smarmy. But I SOOOOO mean it. :)

onionboy said...

A brother once spoke to me about "not taking on the fault of another." It was wisdom. Sounds as though you have it also.

Continuing in prayer.

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