Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sunday Evening

It feels like a truce, a temporary pause in maneuvers before things completely unravel.

She stays until we work out the details of Jeremiah’s U.S. residency (an incredibly messed up situation where we are suddenly working on gaining citizenship for our two children of twelve years).

She does not see him outside of work.

We go to a marriage counselor with “open minds”.

We talk to each other with consideration, care.

When the terms of this truce was negotiated I missed the loop hole of her able to call him.

Pretty screwed up.

Whether or not my marriage survives is not up to me.

A kind brother in Christ made two insightful comments to me today:

“It takes two to make a marriage, but only one to break it up.”

and

“You can’t unscramble eggs.”

I have told her clearly that I believe we can work it out. She simply longs to run away.

I have to accept that I can only work on my own heart.

There have been many mistakes I have made, and it turns out that in recent years I have remedied them, just not soon enough to keep her heart.

All I can do is love my Lord, love others, especially her.

Stay true.

Meanwhile, the next few months the plan is I share my bed with a woman who loves another while we figure out what to do with our oldest son and go to counseling.

My marriage has a shelf life.

In church this morning we sat in our seats with plastic smiles plastered over hearts inn turmoil.

I always arrive a half hour early for church to pray with the pastors and then the worship team, to ask for blessing on the morning's events and the hearts of those in attendance.

I pray my prayers, careful not to provide hints of the terror in my heart, the shifting sand beneath the ffoundations of my marriage. One of those in attendance is the one person I trust, the one I have confided in. He gives me a knowing smile and a reassuring hug.

This little post is dry, devoid of the witticisms and clever turns of phrase I love to craft. I am tired and I see that there are many difficult days ahead of me.

But I also see signs of hope. I see occasional sparks of regret and even affection in her eyes.

My psoriasis seems to have suddenly cleared. I am able to do things with my hands that I have been unable to do for a long time. They no longer swell up, split and bleed. The large rashes are nearly gone.

More importantly, I feel loved by a great number of people, those who send me emails, leave me comments, and most especially, pray heartfelt prayers on our behalf.

So, with a deep sigh I toss this latest missive onto my blog and see what I can do to restore peace in my heart and perhaps my home.

--C.S.

10 comments:

jel said...

Give it to Him (Jesus) he will be up alnite any way :)



praying

paul said...

In the Lord alone we find our strength. In the Lord alone we find our hope. Keep trusting the Lord...in spite of all obvious signs to the contrary. He will not forsake you. He will not abandon you. He will be with you...always.

Amrita said...

The Psalmist said ,Ps 7l;20,2l

You made me suffer a lot
but you will bring me back from the deep pit
and give me new life
You will make me truly great and take my sorrow away

I don 't like preaching at others going thru a bad time but i will say this.

Will, you are needed , don"t feel rejected . The world needs you, your family
church
school
boys
community
God
and even Brenda

After college I found a great job but was given the pink slip for no reason after 2 plus years. That job was my life and I was shattered and devastated. Angry at God and myself and the whole world i plunged into dark depression.

My family was going to a Christian canp, went every year,I was not going. A medical doctor friend came by (she works with leporesy patients.She said; Amrita come to the camp, we need you.

That just broke me down. here I was in this miserable, hopeless state, feeling unloved by God and she telling me that. Something snapped and i went to the camp and was revived, it was the begining of resoration.

So I tell you , You Are Needed.

Aphra said...

I woke up this morning thinking of you and everything going on. Am praying.

wilsonian said...

In your hands, you have such a beautiful picture of healing... thank you, Lord.

bjk said...

I am just sad you can't share this with your pastoral community...just sad.....understanding of it...just sad.

This morning I am praying 'just for today' to SEE what it would be like to live actually live like He is enough....

praying for you and hurting for you for whatever good that does.

onionboy said...

The most painful thing I watched was my brother's divorce. The circumstances, at least those I am able to understand from your posts, are very similar though he never saw it coming until it was too late.

He has become more fully himself, a stronger person. He has chosen to remain single for the foreseeable. He has been cleared by the courts of every false accusation made of him. He has never reciprocated with legal action in kind though he could and would win (though at great cost and this is why he chooses to move on). He loves his children and is an excellent father. It could be in the days ahead that custody will turn to him as has replicated everything in a second marriage and is poised for disaster.

How does any of that fit or help your story? Not well and not likely very much but I think it may be the reason I found myself wanting to join you in prayer.


O | luminousmiseries.ca | onionboy.ca

Judas Hate said...

My thoughts and prayers remain yours.

Lorna (see through faith) said...

praying.

MMM said...

You remember a while back when I wrote a story about my Mary, who sat in the desert and watched and prayed for those who passed her, offered food and water when she was asked, but otherwise prayed alone?

That would still be MMMe, on your behalf. I watch and pray. If you visit my campsite, you will get water, and shade, and silence. If you ask for more, I'll do my best to provide it, if I can.

Oh, and hugs. Optional. :)