Friday, December 7, 2007

Boy, You're Gonna Carry That Weight...

Brenda promised.

For what it is worth, which may be very little, she has promised to not contact the other man while she is in my home.

I don't believe her.

This doesn't seem to be about healing our marriage. That may happen, but I don't think it is likely.

She went off to work last night. She has been working days, Mondays and Tuesdays, and a half day Thursday evenings. On Tuesday she said something about it being her last day there, which was odd since she said she would also being working Thursday evening.

She went off to work, an extra careful job on her make up. She looked nice.

But instead of coming back at 9:00 or so as I expected, I found her on the front porch at 7:00, drinking a beer. She confessed she had gone hoping to "say goodbye" to coworkers. She had gone to a tavern and so has fallen off her AA wagon. She says she'll climb back up on that metaphorical vehicle to sobriety, but not last night.

She is here because she cannot relinquish her sense of responsibility toward our children. I am giving her space to stay, in the thin hope our marriage will heal, but primarily because she has agreed to go in for alcohol treatment and to provide her with the medical coverage she needs.

But I do not believe it will last.

We spoke for a while last night. We didn't fight. But we talked quite a bit. She says she still loves this other man.

I have been trying to hold on, to be strong. To walk the halls of my work with a plastic smile and with gentle words to my students. But on the inside I feel I am slowly unraveling.

This is a sadness which has permeated me, very much like the year after my son Willy died. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I have obsessive thoughts, and an irresistible urge to write blog posts. I fear that I might start twitching and barking any day soon.

We have our 24 hour prayer for the month today. I was in the Prayer room at 5:00, after quietly showering and shaving and leaving my home that no longer feels like a place of refuge.

The prayer room is quiet (I'm there now).

I was walking around the cemetery yesterday morning, very early.

It feels like the song from the Beatles, about carrying a heavy burden.

A friend encouraged me to keep these times with our Lord and I have been. She told me to go listen for the owl.

As I walked I listened for the owl. He was silent. I thought that the recent construction near there had driven him away.

"Lord... things are so screwed up. I hurt so badly. I feel like sobbing, but nothing comes out. I walk and walk and it feels like I am carry a 200 pound pack on my back. I need help, Lord. I know you understand betrayal, you understand sorrow. Please draw near me now Lord for I feel I can barely take another step."

The owl replied from the darkness of the grove of old douglas firs.

I've made an appointment to see my doctor on Wednesday. It is clear that my emotions are out of control and that this mood is becoming a "default setting" for how I live. I cannot live this way.


MMM said...

i am still here.
i am still vigilant.
i am still praying.

i am still here.

bjk said...

Praying......just with you in the sorrow praying.

Ame said...

Good choice to see your doctor ... I've been on Zoloft for almost 7 years and will probably be on it for forever. It is amazing the difference that made, especially going thru all that hell.

There was one thing I forced myself to do everyday no matter how late when I went to bed ... I forced myself to have my time with God. Force yourself to do it ... it will be more of a discipline often than a longing.

curious servant said...

I've gotten several emails from friends concerned about how I am doing... So, I thought I would add a note here...

I appreciate all of you, your prayers, your kind words, your concerns... I wish I could thank you in person.

Yes... I'm in a bad place. I am spent. I am so tired, I can hardly bear it.

This past week I recognized these facts about myself. I am tapped out.

So, I have made an appointment to see a doctor to get meds that will break this seratonin-draining cycle I am in. Also, on Wednesday, I am going to ask our marriage counselor, who I trust, for a referral.

I need to be able to share what is going on inside of me to someone face to face. Writing blog posts is a release, but I need to look someone in the eyes and vomit up the junk I have been stuffing.

I also recognize that it isn't all Brenda's fault. That there are mistakes I have made. Perhaps residue from my childhood, prehaps simply my own flaws and immaturity, prompted me not recognize the things I was doing which contributed to losing my wife's love.

I might be able to regain that love, but that is up to her. If I don't that is fine also, because this has become a burden. Either way, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I do the right things. Helping my wife regain her health, assisting her out of her alcoholism, IF she can stay within the boundaries I have set. (If not, well, that is her choice.) It means staying true to what I have said I would do, regardless of the cost. And it means being able to look in the mirror, squarely in my own eyes, and see who I really am, recognizing my flaws, and perhaps a few good things as well, and do what is right.

I can see the strident tone rising in the words I type. I can see that I am getting too close to dropping over the edge away from staying healthy, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

So... thank you for your concern, and most especially your prayers. I will seek help before it gets too bad.

Amrita said...

Dear Will, don 't know what say. But I 'm glad you are going to get help. Look after yourself.This is getting too much.Maybe you have to let go of Brenda.

We all are praying.

Anonymous said...

no words can describe the feeling I (we) are feeling for you and with you both... do everything you can to keep yourself healthy. You will not do your kids any good in a unhealthy state. Now it's for the kids. Brenda has to take care of Brenda. You take care of you.
momma bear here

Ame said...

Personally, I believe individual counseling is MUCH more productive than couple counseling. Even my therapist acknowledged that. Couple counseling, IMO, should be something that comes later on down the road when you are healing and need more direction on healing together.

A very seasoned and wise counselor can see couples individually at the same time and keep it separate. He can also gently draw you together at the right places and the right times.

DO keep the medical appt. Keep in mind it takes 4 to 8 weeks, depending on the drug and the person, for the meds to begin working ... and during that 4 to 8 week period there can be some odd side effects that will end. Make sure, though, you understand all this before leaving the physicians office ... each med is different, and each med has different side effects that are within "normal."

Be patient during these weeks ... knowing it will be SOOOOOOOOOOO worth it!!!!!!! Never loved the pharmecuetical companies as much as I have since I began taking my Zoloft!!!!!!! :)