My mind and heart has been jumping around quite a bit.
There were the usual visits to family over the last week. Visited my brother, visited her aunt, had Christmas dinner at her sister’s.
There were moments when I thought things were getting better, hopeful. There have been moments when I have been thinking about divorce, steeling up the courage to toss her out. There has been times when I have toyed with thoughts of suicide... though that may be a side effect of the antidepressant I’ve been taking for two weeks. Throughout most of it my heart has been racing. I have had fitful sleep, nightmares and waking up many times through the night, despite the sleeping pills I take before going to bed.
I told her this morning that I wanted our marriage to work, that I didn’t want to divorce her. The message I was trying to give her was that I have been thinking about doing that, but I don’t want to do what I know will hurt her.
She got angry. Guilt, shame, resentment are powerful emotions in her heart and she defaults to the memories which tell her that her actions were justified.
I don’t want to be one of those statistics which say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce and that it isn’t so different for Christ-followers.
But I think about what it would be like to fill out the paperwork, file it, have her pack and leave, and then put my wedding ring in a box in a dresser drawer.
I’ve been thinking about the last picture I did (see previous posts) and how what I am thinking and feeling shows in that image, despite my intentions to say something else with it.
I don’t want to hurt my children. I don’t want to hurt my wife. I don’t want to hurt anymore myself.
My prayers are husks. I cannot seem to pray for specific things. I just walk and talk and wonder and ask and really don’t seem to have much in particular to say.
About Me
- Curious Servant
- I have adopted two boys from Haiti. Both are mentally handicapped. One is is now 20, the other 18. I divorced my wife of 28 years a few years ago and have just remarried, a woman from Belize. I find beauty in many things... many, many things (nature, art, people, space...) and that helps me to survive my deep empathy for so many who suffer. I like to write, and I've written quite a bit on my blogs. I have been thinking about writing a book. Unsure if it should be about the things I have experienced, or fiction (I have an interesting plot line worked out). I'm pretty open about things. I like blended whiskey, but I never have more than two drinks... usually just one, and not often at that. I have had many adventures. Makes me a little different. (Odd?)
6 comments:
Holding you in the Light, my friend.
Praying for peace...
Don't be concerned with the words or requests of prayer because the life you are living right now is a sort of prayer...and I believe God hears you when there are no words, no clear thoughts. It's one of those wonderful things that even (or especially) when we can't see clearly enough to know what we are praying for, God knows our needs and hears us anyway.
Dear Will, I just want to say no matter how hard it is. God loves you and we love you too. Just hold on.
Yes. I understand.
***
you probably need to contact your physician ... these "side effects" do not seem normal. they may be, but you really ought to make sure. different drugs react differently to different people.
I know how hard it is to stay when staying means exposing yourself to more pain. God has not forgotten you, my friend and neither have we. We continue to pray for both of you. Hold on; we're praying that things get better with the new dosage.
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