Friday, December 14, 2007

Tired

I was exhausted last night. I went to bed right after dinner, but had trouble falling asleep. Turned the TV on, volume low, and let our large dog lay across my cold feet.

There was a silly comedy on, The Office, about a dysfunctional paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania, led by a clueless, dysfunctional manager who was just dumped by his new girlfriend (apparently on the first date he had proposed and swiped a picture of her family, photoshopping his face over her husband’s to make himself look like a part of the family).

As he moaned about his love life through the rest of the show I became increasingly embarrassed.

I saw too much of myself there.

His friends tried to console him, took him out for dinner and drinks, listened to his pathos, the agony of it all.

I am tired of all of this. I am tired of the situation where my wife’s heart is elsewhere, where I think constantly about trying to save a relationship, where I moan through the internet about my love life.

I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of counseling and walking through the minefield of marital conversations and even of praying, at least about this.

I’m tired of the idea that people are reading this stuff and seeing a dysfunctional, moaning, Christ-follower.

I feel myself becoming more rigid, less willing to be understanding. I feel myself readier to call it quits, to fill out paperwork which would dissolve this legal and emotional relationship.

I’m not Hosea. My life isn’t an object lesson for a nation about the relationship between men and God.

I’m just someone who wants to do the right thing.

And I’m tired.

6 comments:

bjk said...

sucks......yes
what we see is a man seeking after Christ all the time which is why I continue to come back.......

I am learning that being tired is one of my 'tells'......

Ame said...

I know.

I understand.

If I could figure out a way to hold both my girls hands and walk into heaven right this moment, I'd have already done so.

I whine. I cry. I pitch a fit. I cry out to God. I scream at God.

And in the end, I scream, once again, "OKAY! OKAY! I'LL TRUST YOU! OKAY!!!"

"okay, God. I will trust You."

wilsonian said...

I'm sorry that you're so tired.
I'm grateful that you trust us with yourself.

Amrita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amrita said...

You are not a dysfunctional, moaning, Christ-follower.
You are fighting the good fight against the enemy of your soul and for your boys too and I should say for Brenda.You are a crusader.

I am tired too in the heat of my battle against my Goliath. But i have a cleft in the Rock.
Take heart Will

~m2~ said...

So Moses told Joshua, "Have some men ready to attack the Amalekites tomorrow. I will stand on a hilltop, holding this walking stick that has the power of God."

Joshua led the attack as Moses had commanded, while Moses, Aaron, and Hur stood on the hilltop. The Israelites out-fought the Amalekites as long as Moses held up his arms, but they started losing whenever he had to lower them.

Finally, Moses was so tired that Aaron and Hur got a rock for him to sit on. Then they stood beside him and supported his arms in the same position until sunset. That's how Joshua defeated the Amalekites.


the quintessential "that's what friends are for" passage in the Bible. keep raising your staff and your friends will bring over a comfy rock and help hold your arms up.

because that's what love does.

peace, will.