As tough as a divorce may be, I wonder if it would be easier than this?
I know... I’ve made it pretty clear I don’t believe in divorce. I don’t.
OK... backing up now...
I’ve been working hard to keep my family together, to help my children feel safe, to let my wife know that I love her and can forgive her (while making it clear I will go through with my promise of not tolerating further...), and trying to maintain my own mental health with exercise, sleep, and meds my doctor suggests.
Saw the good doc yesterday. He doubled my antidepressants, and told me it would be OK to double the sleep meds for a while.
Thursday morn I saw my good Moon Howlin’ buddies (we meet at 6:00 a.m. every Thursday morn), and it felt good to talk a little to them about how I feel and to learn how I can support them.
Not that I am such support right now.
My prayer life has been empty lately. It isn’t that I don’t feel God is near. I do. I know for certain He is aware of my needs, that He is watching over me. It’s just that my conversations with Him haven’t been about specific things.
When I think about the things I want, the specific things I think that will make things better, the words simply don’t feel right. So I don’t pray them.
I can’t seem to pray for specific things for others as well.
I can pray for general things... wisdom, patience, understanding, strength... qualities that flow from Him.
The prayer I did on canvas during the Christmas service told me a little about myself (see previous posts). I went and picked it up yesterday and felt a strong urge to toss it into the trash. I half feel like putting a thin wash of acrylic colors over it, tossing in a dash of yellow and green to indicate hope.
But my prayers aren’t that whole yet.
There are shadows which play across my spirit.
Sometimes my wife draws away... I see the flush in her face, the hint of tears which want to surface.
I believe she is grieving over him. Over the loss of a dream of freedom from the responsibilities of taking care of her mother, of dealing with our children, of living with me.
Yeah, it sucks.
So, I sometimes wonder if divorce would be easier than this.
There is a part of me which wishes not to take the long road to help her recover from her alcoholism, from her self-destructive behaviors, from her self-hatred.
Hmmmm... telling paragraph, that last one. Even in desiring to be rid of the crap in my life I put it in terms of what she needs, not what I want.
I suppose I really do love her. Without conditions. I love her not because of what she can do for me, or what she can do for my children... I simply love her. I want her to be healthy, happy.
Still, over the last week or so I have come to a place where I can imagine filing for a divorce if she slips off to him again. It is freeing in a way. I no longer want to save our marriage at any cost. Further breaking of our marriage is not something I can live with.
So... another electronic missive stuck in another electronic bottle tossed into the sea of the world wide web.
I’m unhappy... short of sleep, depressed, and resolved to do what is right as long as it does not cost me more than I can afford.
I’m rambling... It’s good to just ramble a little.
It's how I pray.
About Me
- Curious Servant
- I have adopted two boys from Haiti. Both are mentally handicapped. One is is now 20, the other 18. I divorced my wife of 28 years a few years ago and have just remarried, a woman from Belize. I find beauty in many things... many, many things (nature, art, people, space...) and that helps me to survive my deep empathy for so many who suffer. I like to write, and I've written quite a bit on my blogs. I have been thinking about writing a book. Unsure if it should be about the things I have experienced, or fiction (I have an interesting plot line worked out). I'm pretty open about things. I like blended whiskey, but I never have more than two drinks... usually just one, and not often at that. I have had many adventures. Makes me a little different. (Odd?)
5 comments:
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Rom 12:18
this verse was freeing for me. i can only control me; i cannot control anyone else. they get to make their own choices. i cannot choose for them.
Racing through my mental files of the last time I read scripture, I think about twenty or so good verses might be appropriate.
Instead I will dive for the root.
I understand and agree with what you say.
However, I notice in most all your posts, you speak of what she "needs" and what you "want."
You are noble and good and just.
But.....What about what YOU need?
I have learned Not to pray very specifically...truth is I really don't have a clue what is good and right..for myself or for anyone else either...these days I do more praying of the prayer that cannot fail..."Lord, (sometimes just "Lord") your will"...
Hmm... I was thinking along the same lines as Jada. I've been thinking lately about how the Quakers pray... sans list... simply holding each other in the Light... knowing that He knows all.
Wanted you to know I've been holding you in the Light over this cusp of a new year. You're not alone.
To my fellow servant, my brother, fortunately, those of us who are joint heirs with Christ have several advocates. We have Christ, who sits at the right hand of the Father on our behalf (Heb 4:13-16), we have the Holy Spirit (Rom 8:14-17) and we have each other (Gal 6:2).
Christ is always interceding to God on our behalf (Heb 7:24-28). The Spirit also helps us when we feel weak and do not know how, or what to pray. The Holy Sprit actually chooses to make us His Temple (1 Cor 3:16), which is beyond my comprehension. He prays on our behalf when we can't form the words, yet the Father understands (Rom 8:26,27). The words to your deepest prayers, which seem lost to you now, are not lost to God, your Father.
We also share your burdens through prayer on your behalf. So PRAY WHAT YOU CAN, do not despair that they are not specific or eloquent. The Spirit will pray those deepest prayers for you. We cannot really know your deepest requests or needs, yet, as the Spirit leads us, WE SHALL PRAY WHAT WE CAN and leave the rest to God. So… you are not alone my friend and your wife is not alone.
-Tall Bear
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