Last year my boss, the principal of our school, nominated me for an award as an outstanding teacher.
There was a dinner I was to attend. Nominees from schools throughout our district would be there, the award announced, but I didn’t go.
I didn’t believe I was anyone special.
A few weeks later he insisted I go to a school board meeting. I thought he wanted me to talk about one of the programs at our school, but it was so he could tell the board and local cable access he nominated me for that award, and he handed me a certificate of some sort.
I had a great year last year. I went to work early, stayed late. I had a bounce in my step, and I repeatedly told everyone: “I can’t believe I get paid for this!”
I believe it pleases God for me to do well, and enjoy, the work He has given me.
The bounce is gone this year.
It occurred to me to me today I am dishonoring God.
Yeah, I’m having a rough time. In fact, I’m scratching this note out on my Moleskine as I wait to see my doctor... a checkup on my antidepressant meds.
Yeah, I’m anxious and skittish and tired for good reason.
But...
I still have that wonderful job, doing good work, important work, work I love.
That is a very good thing.
I haven’t felt joy lately.
That does not mean God has stopped blessing me in providing such work.
I think my sadness leaks a little into my professional life, and that means I am not doing my job, the work God gave me, as well as I should.
I’m not saying that in recognizing this I will do better from now on.
I’m not saying that my sadness will no longer affect my teaching.
But by not doing my very best I am dishonoring God.
I need to remember that.
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8 comments:
You are not dishonoring God, Will.
YOU ARE NOT DISHONORING GOD!
You are human. You are HIS child and He loves you. He does not want you to feel this way, live this way. You are strugling and doing the best you can. You are standing, walking, thinking, teaching, praying, loving, honoring and doing the BEST YOU CAN on few hours of sleep, in pain and under tremendous duress.
If I were there with you, I'd slap you as hard as I could, then hug you as hard as I could.
Cut yourself some slack, Brother.
I'm quite sure He does not expect so much of you as you do.
He loves you. I love you. Many love you. You should love you.
Even if no one else loved you, Because He loves you, don't you think you owe it to Him to love yourself?
You are doing the very best you can do right now.
He doesn't ask more than that from you.
Don't ask more than that from yourself.
Your situation will change. By your hand, hers or His. And whether things improve or decline initially, in the end, they will improve and help bring you back to where you need to be.
In the mean time, reach out and grasp any of the many hands that are grasping to help you up. He put us here so that you would not be alone when you need help.
Okay, done preaching.
How 'bout me, you and the owl go sit in the quiet dark of the cemetery and tell stories till dawn while sampling some warm whiskey and cold beers?
Look no further than you need to my friend. All you need is closer than you think.
Love and friendship is all I have to give, but it's all yours.
J.
Sorry for the missing "G";-)
I nevar clamed 2 be a gud spelar.
Dear CS,
congratulatios with your award. I'm a 100% sure it was more than well deserved.
I've been reding your blogs, from a long distance.
I've trieed to be objective.
I can easily relate to your problems, you are well spoken, honest and deeply tormented.
Brenda, of course does not come out equally sympathic.
An unfaithful alcoholic who does not even love her children.
You don't know if you want to share your future with her.
BUT there are ten commandmants.
If one is broken, one is also guilty of breaking the othter nine, Jesus said.
We don't know too much about Brenda's feelings or background.
If my memory serves me well, she has spent most of her time alone, raising two mentally retaded children (after loosing her first, and being "guilty" of not being able to become a biological mother.)
How big must she will beside a husband so gifted, social honored and always occupied with important wor outside the home?
They say men go out to check up a one night stand. Women go out to check up if they're still desireable. It has been documented, actually.
My heart is bleeding for both of you. There is no black or white, right or wrong.
I think Brenda deserves a lot of credit for attending the AA meetings. That must be an ordeal.
She is stayiing with you of her own free will.
Not bad either after what you have been goinng through.
I've always been scared of marriages. Even when I got pregnant (for the first and last time in my life) I was not at all ready to promise in front of God's face to "cherish and love for better and worse."
I had once promised God to quit smoking and had failed greatly in my doing so.
How can one promise to love?
I was scared of the "till death do us part." Until I realised that I woould not know until my death if I would be able to fulfull my promise.
We got married, but not in church.
God glued us together through sickness, lots and lots of it.
It was not punishment, but blessings.
I even finally gave up nicotine with the help of our daughter.
Even as I'm writing I am a bit scared. Scared of new trials (which seem to occur when I'm feeling too well, or bragging about it.)
Can't tell how much I or my husband can take.
I love life though, love the married life, tryed like costly silver.
There is no right or wrong solution.
Just prayers over and over again, and the loving Shepherd seeking his lost sheep.
Daughter Serina wrote the poem beyound.
I thought of Brenda as I read it.
The real me
This isn’t the real me
you know...
She’s taken a vacation...
don’t know when
she’ll be back...
She said she’d sit and wait for
better days...
some place far away
from her body
that’s me
She’s the one you want,
not me, who’s the
one that wants you,
not the one you want to want you
but still, here I am, I am me.
Serina
With love Elise
Thank you, both of you, for the words of encouragement.
I think what I was trying to say in this post is that God wants us to love work... He wants us to be productive and do our very best as an act of worship. That there is honor in every job done well. It doesn't matter if it is teaching or hanging insulation (which I did for two years).
If we do it well, honest work to the best of our abilities as an act of worship, telling God and all who see our work, that we do our best because we are following our Lord, then we are honorinng Him.
I am trying to cut myself some slack, which is why I wrote that I may not change right away... I'm recognizing that it is very hard to take pleasure when I lack joy, to do my best when I feel crippled...
Still, I think that I am not pleasing God in the work He has blessed me with... I am not worshipping Him when I ache so much I do not put 100% into this job.
Justin... I thank you so much for your words.
Please do nnot delete those comments... I want to be able to come back and read them again when I feel the need.
I appreciate the offer of a slap and a hug... and the idea of listening for the owl, talking all night and passing a bottle sounds pretty good.
--Will
one correction will - listen to the owl, talk all night and do smores instead : ) alcohol is too well known in your family.....
your nagging friend
i like what judas hate said -
Smores and chocolate milk it is:-)
Congratulations, CS.
Sometimes you just have to listen to your peers.
:)
Dear will you are not dishonoring God.Juat take it easy. You are a very gifted person and a high achiever, the award you got in school was well deserved. And a crown of life is waiting for you in heaven.Love, Amrita
I like what Felisol said. Felisol, thanks for sharing.
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