Not Much of a Post

I’m watching Jeremiah at Special Olympics basketball practice. Brenda is at an AA meeting.

He seems happier here than at home.

Brenda wishes he wasn’t our child.

It is tough. He needs a lot of attention and there isn’t any end to it in sight.

I love him.

I see the goodness in him.

This is a difficult post to write.

First, I really haven’t anything to say.

Secondly, the thoughts I have about my marriage are circular, and I’ve said them all before.

I love my wife.

I don’t trust her.

I want a partner in my life.

I’m not sure if she is the one.

That’s a hell of a thing to say. Twenty-six years of marriage and I don’t know if she is the one anymore.

I believe she wants to leave.

I believe she is staying out of a sense of responsibility and obligation.

I wanted to give one of you something this past week, but I had no idea it would cost $70 to ship it. Makes me feel like I can’t fulfill my promises, do what I say I will do.

I made promises when I married her. Some I kept. Some I wasn’t so good at.

I didn’t make her feel as loved as she needed.

Yeah... back to the circular thinking/writing. I’ve said all that before.

So...

What to do in the now?

I guess I keep walking. just keep moving. Keep trusting God.

Slept seven hours last night. Longest night’s sleep in over a week.

It has been running between two and five.

Got a little ticked at someone at work. Four days in a row she held her class late and I had to retake roll and restart my lesson each time when another eleven kids showed up.

Shouldn’t let it bother me.

See?

Not much of a post.

I’m going to go cheer Jeremiah on now.


I'm back.

I thought I had finished this post, posted it, and now I'm back.

I was wavering between watching Jeremiah practice and reading a book by Donald Miller.

"Brandon! Play the game!"

It was a parent standing in the door beside me, talking to one of the athletes who was watching instead of playing with the others. He was supposed to be playing. In fact, in a weird way, I believe he thought he was playing. That by being at the end of the court where the action was, he was participating.

When Brandon heard those words from his father he froze. I could see in his body language that he knew he was in trouble somehow, sort of.

Now he is on the sidelines, the coach is asking him what is wrong.

As I have typed this he has rejoined the game, lumbering along the sidelines again even with the kids bouncing the ball, thinking that he is playing. His father is silent.

The words his father spoke got a reaction from him. It is clear that there is a lot of history there. His dad has probably spent a lot of time trying to encourage his son to do more, be more.

What made me return to this post and write a little more is the idea of the conditioning we do on each other. How we react, respond to each other.

His father didn't say anything wrong. But it chilled Brandon's enthusiasm.

How much of this sort of thing goes on between my children and I?

How much of this sort of thing goes on between my wife and I?

How much of my interactions are emotional inertia? Simply reacting from the experiences of the past and not the now?

Can my wife and I learn to be different with each other? Forgive? Love?