Prayers

Something is different.

Not with my home or work. Well, work may be a little better. I am getting better at separating the turmoil in my heart from the focus I need to do my job well. As for home, I have no clue if Brenda is keeping her word and not seeing this other man with questionable integrity.

The difference is in my spiritual life, specifically, my prayer life.

My prayer life used to be rich, complex. It included singing and worship and art and long quiet walks.

Then things got rough. About as rough as they did 15 years ago when I had another trauma to my spirit.

With the events of the last few months my prayers went through changes, changes which reflected the changes within me.

No need here for the descriptions of disbelief, anger, and grief. What is more interesting is the dryness of my prayers. The colors draining out of my art, the joy draining out of my songs.

My prayers became focussed on things I believed Brenda needed:

“Lord, my Lord, please bring someone to my wife, someone to come along side of her to help her draw near to you. Send people to pray for her, to help her find her way back to You.”

That was a time of specific prayers. And though she still seems far from opening her heart to God, I believe those prayers were answered, I didn’t pay much attention to those answers to my prayers, but I believe they were there. My prayers were changing.

In my confusion and anxiety I found myself unable to pray for specific things anymore. So my prayers became general.

“Lord, my Lord, please grant me patience, wisdom, strength, and endurance. Show me what to do, let me follow You more easily. I feel I am in darkness and I need your light.”

The cycle of the days of the weeks had their own patterns. Tensions rose after our counseling sessions. Her anxiety over keeping up appearances at church brought tension as well. Slowly I came to a place where I could accept whatever may happen. And for a while my prayers seemed simply quiet, talking to God with only my heart, the words ran out. My prayers were changing.

A friend recommended a book to me. A novel. The plot is a little contrived, but the theology was pretty good. What is more intriguing (present tense as I am still reading it, about two chapters left to go) is that the thoughts I have had about God, things I have written, posted here, and other writings left unfinished, unposted, were reinforced with each chapter I read. I would write about the nature of God, and the next chapter what I read seemed to echo what I wrote. I wrote about seeing Jesus as a friend, and the next chapter explored the idea.

And that is where my prayers are now.

I have been talking to Jesus, just as I would if he were an ordinary guy. I’ve been praying to Him about the recent snows, the loss of some of those trees our owl stayed in, about the way I feel... just stuff, ordinary stuff.

The novel is nearly wrapped up. But I seem to be bumping into it in other places. One of my 8th grade students saw it on my desk today, told me he had read it, that many people at his church had read it. The counselor saw it with me today, spoke quite a bit about how there seems to be many people reading it lately and he had asked a theology professor to check it out for him. An email from our church today mentioned the novel would be the subject of an upcoming Sunday School class and the book would be available for purchase at our church.

I just know that it has echoed my thoughts, that what I have felt lately has been repeated in each subsequent reading.

Regardless of the popularity of the book or its apparent connection it has had to my recent spiritual thought, the more important issue for me is the connection to my prayer life.

I am feeling closer to Jesus Lately. I think I can almost truly call Him my friend. It is a paradigm shift, a change in how I feel about God.

I believe that there is evil in the world. I believe that most of it is caused by the choices we make because of the freedom we have to reject God. And I believe that He can make good come from evil. He can use it for good, even though He had nothing to do with the causes.

I believe the pains I have felt over these last six months are being turned to something good. For my soul.

It gives me a little peace. My heart seems to have healed a little bit this week.

I can feel my big brother near.

Feels pretty good.