Saturday, September 27, 2008

God is Using This...

Another early morning walk with the dog... watching the sky turn from black to the white of thin fog... and with a good six hours of sleep. That much sleep makes me feel calmer, more clear headed.

And, as usual, my thoughts, prayers, even the couple of worship songs I sang in the field (with the accompaniment of a hidden coyote), were about surrender and obedience.

I feel strangely calm.

I don't feel so calm when I'm talking to her.

I feel guarded.

I've started the Saturday morning ritual of laundry, and the boys are still asleep.

I love those boys so much.

This latest strange twist in the melodrama I've been calling a marriage always carries with it the undertone of my concern for those sons of mine.

The previous post brought out so many thought-provoking comments...

The last one was interesting:

Anonymous said...

Could it be that God is using this to bring Brenda back to Himself but not to you?

September 27, 2008 6:35 AM

Yes. I have suspected that may be the case.

This latest twist does not bring feelings of joy, or hope, or anticipation, or desire, or any of the emotions I would expect if this were about me, about what I need for my own emotional health.

The strongest feeling is caution.

While I walked this morning I thought how this past year has aged me more than physically, and I wondered if I have thrown away a year that could have been spent preparing myself, my heart, for a life with someone else who could be the wife I desire. And now, I wonder if this is the beginning of another year that puts my own emotional fulfillment on hold while Brenda and I do some sort of dance which results in another man tapping on my shoulder and asking to cut in.

Those thoughts and feelings are born of my desires to gain the things I believe may bring me happiness.

Why not pursue my own happiness?

Because I follow where my Lord leads, and for now, I am allowing Brenda to explore the possibility of reconciliation with me, in the prayers that this may lead to her own healing, to bring her to a place of faith so she may become who God wants her to be.

This life is short. Less than a hundred years.

Even if I do not get the things in this world I have wanted, a life-long mate, my spirit, and I suppose my soul if I read scripture correctly, this sojourn through the realm of mortals will be plenty of a life for me to reflect upon, to share, with spirits, (and souls) I encounter in the vast two dimensional expanse of time we conveniently label eternity.

I'm not eager to have her back. I can wait a long time, and I can be satisfied if it ends in any way the Lord wills it to end.


curious servant said...

A lot of folks pass through here, and I am curious about who many of them are. Some of the anonymous ones are folks who I do not know who they are, but I can see where they are.

I would love to place names with these visits.

Perhaps everyone could send me an email just saying "Hi Will! I'm Wanda Ringsprit and I am in Holland, Michigan."

Or Mollala, Oregon, or Gig Harbor, Middletown, or Huntington Beach, or Peachtree, or Ozark, or Branson, or Dallas, or Liberty, or Amsterdam, or Phoenix, or Los Angeles, or Kingston, or Mountain View, or Manchester, or Leicester, or Olather, Kingston, or Montgomery...

curious servant said...

Also, as I wrote above, the comments on the previous post were so worth reading and thinking about, I don't want them to fade too quickly into the archives of this blog. So for the sake of reference of this post... I copy and paste them here:

Elizabeth said...

That was a powerful post! Thank you for sharing.

Good for you for keeping your heart open to possibilities, but not rushing in either direction.

September 25, 2008 6:17 PM

Blogger Owen said...

May the God who brings something out of nothing, who restores the years of the locust, who is love and casts out all fear, who simply Is, be with you and strengthen you and bring His healing in His way in His time. And may the peace that passes understanding be yours and Brenda's and for your sons also.

September 25, 2008 7:49 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

will continue to pray

September 25, 2008 7:55 PM

Blogger Ame said...

I read this ... and I feel I should take off my shoes ... I am standing on holy ground.

the evil is real ... the presence, the vision ... it is all very real. our struggle is here, in the spiritual world. I have experienced the same.

I was reminded of the one asked to dip in the river seven times. so simple; yet so complex.

Will ... I think you should ask them to pray over you and Isaac, too, individually. then I believe you should ask them to pray over all four of you, together. then I believe they should come to your home, pray over your property, inside and out, every room.

September 25, 2008 8:37 PM

Blogger Amrita said...

Will I told you that this was supernatural warfare.

But take time. Think and pray and watch and wait. Get others to be involved in it specially in B's life.

Let the first emotions roll away and step forward.

I know what Kali worship is.

The devil tries to thwart our relationship with God. I've been under severe attack.

Unexplainable things which only the devil can cause. I once heard a strange voice (I believe the devil's) saying I am your master. And I immediately rebuked it.

September 25, 2008 8:53 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

your pastor must be one amazing Rev'd! aggf

September 25, 2008 10:17 PM

Anonymous ukok said...

It isn't my place to tell you what you should do. I have never been married to anyone for as long as you have.

But I will say this, if you take Brenda back, you take her back as she has been, not as you hope her to be.

That means you have to accept, and prepare your children for more years of what has gone before.

Prayer works, of course it works, but the person has to rise up to the challenge of change on a daily basis for prayer to work. God won't change Brenda. Brenda has to change.

I hope for your children's sake that they are strong enough to endure what lies ahead if you choose to take Brenda back, if she is still as unstable in committing solely to you and the children, as she has been in the past.

When the children leave home, they would not be so badly affected by your choices, or by Brenda's behavior, perhaps you feel you can not wait that long to be with Brenda, but perhaps that is worth thinking about.

I would further ask, is it worth the risk?

Not just the risk of further hurt to yourself, but primarily, for your children.

You reach a stage in all this mess (well I did) when you realize it isn't even about you anymore, it is about your children. Kids have to put up with terrible things at the hands of parents who should know better.

How have you and the kids been getting on since Brenda went? You've given care of your finances to God and he's made sure you've had enough to live on hasn't he?

In your gloomyist moments he has given you friends to help you out emotionally, to tend to the care of your house even, and to offer you support and encouragement.

Have things been more settled and less confusing for the children since Brenda left?

Has the household been calmer?

Have you done more things with the kids and let them take precedence over your relationship with Brenda and all the angst that surrounded your relationship when she lived with you?

If I may be so bold may I also ask... is it losing Brenda that you fear the most, or is it being alone, bearing the responsibility of caring for your children alone, feeling unloved, unwanted?

Then I would ask you, did Brenda never make you feel unloved or unwanted or lonely?

You have written so many times of being in a 'loveless' marriage (you loved one another, but were unable to give/receive least this is my understanding)... of feeling intensely lonely despite lying in bed next to your wife... of feeling unwanted when her body wandered into another man's arms.

I don't say these things to hurt you brother, I say them to remind you of what you have to be prepared to invite back into your life if you invite Brenda back into your life.

I hope and pray that things work out for you all. I hope that Brenda will daily choose the change, but I have only your writings to go on, that seem so honest and frank about her patterns of behavior etc.

And for this reason I am concerned for you. But even more so for your children.

Praying for you all.

September 26, 2008 1:06 AM

Blogger Marvin the Martian said...

You have two choices- sign the papers now, or wait for her to hurt you again, and sign them later. But sadly, I think you will sign them regardless. :(

September 26, 2008 4:10 AM

Blogger curious servant said...

Thank you, all of you for your kind words.

I have become quite ready to end this marriage. I felt no hesitation in going and doing the final review, preparing for the end.

No... this isn't about me... and I have been very concerned for the boys in this...

This is about obedience.

I believe this is what God wants me to do. I believe miracles are possible.

And... here is the tough part of our faith... there isn't any room for me to complain.

When the Creator of the Universe steps down into mortality to share the human experience, to share Himself... and kneels to wash the feet of those He created... when the Living Word permits His Creation to spit on Him, torture Him, murder Him, and love throughout it all... how can I object to anything He asks me to do?

It would be easier to divorce. Much easier. And to my advantage.... financially...

But... this faith thing isn't a game, isn't a passing feeling... it is my deepest truth, my deepest reality.

I believe God is working on something special here.

My faith requires I believe in miracles, and I obey.

September 26, 2008 5:31 AM

Blogger Owen said...

Will, (words are failing me here) you will be rewarded for your obedience. It's too easy to say but out my own pain and hard hard places I understand in my own failing ways that it is true.

September 26, 2008 6:04 AM

OpenID msmarymagdalene said...

in the desert of the real i sit with indrawn breath......


September 26, 2008 7:10 AM

Blogger Becky said...

To live so 'small' takes balls Will.....

It’s about redefining love using God’s example - boundless, with no quid-pro-quos. Expecting–and sometimes getting–nothing back in return. It takes courage, strength, and total commitment to love like this.

What if right now, everything we knew, felt, believed about love was suddenly turned “upside down.” Challenged. Tested. No limits. What if we came to realize that everything we thought and believed about love, grace, forgiveness, each other and ourselves was wrong. We discover that radical grace is real and we can experience it in our own lives and freely give it to others.

Should I start railing myself against living 'small' I will return to read your story and see the realness of Him.

September 26, 2008 7:21 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think ukok has some good insight and points to be made.
Continue praying!

September 26, 2008 8:53 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...


I pray for wisdom and mostly discernment. The powers of Hell and their strongholds are not easily broken. In my own struggles with evil, I have learned valuable lessons one is the Devil works with decoys one to distract while a mastermind continues its plan behind the scenes. God is powerful yet we are fragile. Remember we are fragile. The key is Will--Stay VERY CLOSE TO THE FATHER NOTHING ELSE especially if you are dealing with Satan himself.

September 26, 2008 5:11 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good comments anonymous....good for all of us.
I've reread it myself several times. Satan is the ultimate deceiver when we are so totally wrapped in the daily concerns of life he is working unknowingly.
Lord give direction and discernment!

September 26, 2008 7:50 PM

Blogger curious servant said...

I so appreciate all your comments! And, even more so, your prayers.

I know it must seem to some that my actions do not make sense.

I suppose, in a strictly logical way, they do not.

To sum up the year...

I spent months forgiving Brenda, taking her back, and having her betray, deceive, and leave me. I think the Lord wanted me to do that because it was a tangible demonstration for Brenda, something she would will be able to hang onto and help her understand God's love, forgiveness, grace.

Then it became clear I was to stop. And I did. I no longer felt the pressing of the Spirit to continue to forgive, no longer felt/remembered the stories of repeated forgiveness told in scripture. I was ready, am ready, to let her go.

And in doing so she had to face her new life.

Her shame, guilt, regret, sense of responsibility, and yes, her love for me, has brought her back here, and perhaps brought her to a place where she is broken enough to accept healing grace, freedom from her hurts, and the hurts she has done.

This does not mean my door is open to her. She has much to do to become healthy enough for me to consider sharing my home with her again.

But, the clear words I get now are about my commitment to God to love her, protect her. I cannot do this yet in the full role of a husband, I suppose one would call me an estranged husband...

I take too seriously the thoughts and opinions of others. I have always been sensitive to the whispers of The Spirit, and those words are the only ones I need heed.

But I am grateful that others love me enough to share their opinions, tell me what is on their hearts.

But, as it should be clear to anyone who has tagged along on this strange journey of mine, I may have a passion for the knowledge of men, but I stand firmly on the conviction that a spiritual life is real, true, clear.

I know the opportunity I am giving Brenda to find a way back, to rebuild our marriage, is a commandment from my Lord.

And, as unAmerican as it is, I believe in obedience. Regardless of consequences, regardless of its logic (or apparent lack of), regardless of my anxieties of opening myself to further hurt, I obey.

In our society we often obey the rules of society because we are forced to do so by social pressure, or the fines of a speeding ticket, or worse, the threat of time behind bars.

The obedience I am referring to is the simple obedience of someone who has promised to follow... promised to obey, simply because I was given the freedom to choose, and this is my choice.

To my point... (long winded aren't I?!)

Aside from the many experiences which I have shared demonstrating the reality of my God, here is another...

Why am I not sick?

Over the past year my children have become ill several times (Jeremiah is sick now). I have been around students who have been sick (the other day at work six kids got sick and were sent home... absences are way up). I have even sensed a change in my body, as if there was something not quite right, a certain smell to me that hinted at biological battles within my blood, and yet I have not become sick.

I should not only be sick, but I should at least look and feel unhealthy!

I have slept eight hours perhaps three times in over a year. I have gone for weeks on less than five hours sleep each night.

And though I have felt very tired, Yet I look fit. I feel tired, but fit.

Why is this?

Because I know many have been praying I would have strength, that God would sustain me.

Think about this. Months and months of less than six hours sleep every night. months and months!

And though I am tired... I still stride through my days, care for my children, do the tasks I need do.

This isn't saying I haven't gotten a little freaked out a few times by the stress and load of tasks and the worries...

But I am not sick, and with all the exposure I've had to illness (and I used to catch every flu that came along), with all the poor eating habits (mainly not eating), with all the lack of real rest, I am not sick.

How can I not obey what the Creator of all things asks of me?

And really, how can I refuse to do anything in the face of the reality of God incarnate on His knees washing feet just before His creations lay hands upon Him, chain him, beat Him, torture Him, and murder Him.

Our species committed deicide and were forgiven that enormous sin.

I'm tired. I should go to sleep... but I have to wash the dishes, get Jeremiah his medicine and into bed (poor guy is really sick), pray over both sons, and I know I will be too restless to sleep even then.

But I am not sick.

September 26, 2008 8:42 PM

Blogger Judas Hate said...

"It is more authority I should have."

First - I love you Will.

Second - Am I the only one who caught the missing word?
Pretty powerful.

Ukok said what I was getting ready to spend an hour trying to say.

I continue to pray for all of you. I am just so sad for you and the boys, but I am happy for Brenda.

Sorry brother, that's the only way I know how to say it.

I love you.


September 26, 2008 11:58 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...


this is my concern for you and the boys. even though a person has been delivered or is being delivered from dark forces, the problem that many believers fail to acknowledge is the power of life-long learned patterns and hurts that are not easily changed. Brenda has deep issues and so do you. Christ said it himself once a person cleans the house, the enemy comes back with forces more worse then the first. Life long patterns and habits do not change once a person is delivered. Satan works with the power of lies and deception. The art of warfare is based on deception. Substance abuse and those that abuse drugs the foundation is based on deception, manipulation and control--these are all antics of the devil. Be mindful will and seek the Lord with all your heart. And when He tells you to do things that do not make sense or go against your natural instincts--Listen to Him no matter the cost.

September 27, 2008 5:00 AM

Blogger curious servant said...

Wow, Justin... I've proofed this a couple of times and never noticed that missing word. Wonder if that is freudian.

(Of all the times this sort of thing has happened, the most interesting is Armstrong's words when he stepped on the moon.)

The boys do not know I am considering letting her back, or that she has moved out from his house.

There was a question earlier from one of you if I wasn't doing this out of loneliness... It isn't. When I speak with her I am wary, the watcher in control. And... I find it a little irritating having her trying to make suggestions about the house or things I feel are no longer her responsibility.

I am in no hurry for this to happen.

As for those papers... they still sit there in the cupboard at work...

Later... I'm taking the dog for a walk.

September 27, 2008 6:32 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Could it be that God is using this to bring Brenda back to Himself but not to you?

September 27, 2008 6:35 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great dialogue. Will, these friends really love you and love God. I agree with all of the above.
What feels from God isn't always. Life and love can easily be manipulated by Believers as well as unbelievers and also in our own selves.
I see a great deal of caution here in every which way.
You are a very wealthy man with friends like these.

September 27, 2008 8:14 AM


Thank you... all of you!

September 27, 2008 8:54 AM

Judas Hate said...

I wish nothing but peace for your soul, joy in your heart and happiness on your mind brother.

"I am Wind In His Hair. Can't you see that you are my friend? Can't you see that I will always be your friend?"

We've talked about this movie before. If you can carve out 3 hours, I would like you to watch it again. Aside from being a great film, I think it will answer some questions you didn't even realize you were asking.

Love, prayers, best wishes and hopes, friendship, warm and fuzzy thoughts and my never-ending ramblings born of good intentions but wandering off in their own hapless direction.

Eternally at your disposal,


Anonymous said...

Will, thank you for listening to all of us also.
There's truth in all of it.

Caution is good!

Again Lord have mercy and give clear direction.

Fred said...

Hi Will. I'm Fred from Tampa. :)

You are on an fascinating journey. I'm praying for you.

Aphra said...

I'm the Kingston Canada one! The last post was pretty powerful, thanks for posting the comments again. Last week was a busy week at school. Just catching up now! I wish you peace in this upcoming week.