Thursday, October 16, 2008

A Pair of Epiphanies

Before the post... here are the pics I promised of our new living room. I got rid of stuff, moved the piano against a wall to open the place up, and we painted everything in yellowish oranges. So... here is a peek at life inside a pumpkin!




Dearest reader, I beg your indulgence, for portions of what is to come is wordy and oddly complex for those unexposed to terms needful for semi-accurate descriptions. So... for those of you who lose their way here and there in the longish descriptions which follow, please understand the point in describing the two journeys to the incredibly small and the incredibly large, I am only seeking to share the magnitude of scale of the song of creation. If those passages prove too long or confusing, please skip on and just know I have felt something, sensed something, that is hard to describe. I feel these descriptions are important to understanding what I felt this past Sunday morning as I walked in a natural setting waking to a new day.

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Two insights came to me on Sunday. One spiritual, one personal. Well, I suppose even the spiritual insights are personal ones. Like all insights, they really can’t be shared. They can be told, but everyone feels, discovers, truth for themselves. A given truth is like most given things, not nearly as appreciated as those we obtain ourselves.

The first was early in the morning, and echoed through the day. I was on the far side of the large open fields at Molalla River State Park, the stage for so many personal dramas. I followed the path in the dark (the moon had recently set).

The familiar hush as night creatures disappeared and day dwellers still slept, was broken by my footsteps, alternating between rustling grass and the soft thud of the packed dirt.

A shaft of red, wriggling through the darkness shot dramatically into the sky. Ruby light, weakest of visible light, in striking the atmosphere bent and slipped around the edge of the world, bouncing off the clouds scuttling around Mount Hood, stabbing across the dark, stabbing through a break in the clouds, and sang to me.

It was beautiful.

Such a simple sentence... “It was beautiful.” Such a short sentence. It does not really say anything. It does not express what I saw, what I felt. “Beautiful” is too brief a term.

Three ideas came together in that moment. I have had them before, but in this context it was as if that shaft of red had stabbed across the edge of the world and struck me with the force of truth.

At the smallest of imaginable levels, smaller than a molecule, or an atom, or a neutron... smaller than the triune nature of quarks, quantum strings vibrate. These threads weave together to form the fabric of reality, of our universe. Just as a guitar string vibrates and produces a sound, these energetic wires thinner than sub atomic particles, vibrate and produce... mass... energy... gravity... They sing out and their voices ring out in a song that sings:

“I am matter, I am more and I am less than I seem. I roil and spin and twitch and I sing in my realm of 12 dimensions a song that you can hear which sounds like only four... height, width, depth, time. I am the voice of God, whispered into the smallest of spaces, joined by countless other strings, and we produce chords which sing creation into existence. We are the song of the building blocks of atoms. We are your limited reality, an echo from realities you cannot see, cannot hear. We are joy. We are love. We are community and unity and separate and one. We are the voice of God, and you exist because of our song.”

That song of reality echoed in my heart, and I knew that my limited reality, a mere four dimensions, is only vapor. Just as I might see a drawing as a mere two dimensional image, a crude representation of the greater reality in which I live... moving about in three physical realms, dragged along in the entropic dimension of time, I hear the song that says there are more... there is more... and the song from beyond gives me shape... as thin and limited as it is.

I am a ghost of a truer reality, I am so limited to only four of at least 12 dimensions. I sense there is more, but I cannot touch it, any more than the cartoon image on a sheet of paper can reach out and play a musical instrument in my world.

And the thought swings in the other direction, the other end of the scale of things.

Far from that quantum reality where all appears to be random, all appears to be chance, all appears to be much less and much more than I can see, is the incredibly large.

A hundred years ago men thought our universe was just this one galaxy. It takes a 100,000 years for light to travel from one side to the other of this spinning disk of two to four hundred billion stars.

Then in 1992 and 1923 Edwin Hubble gathered enough evidence to prove that the Milky Way was only one of many galaxies, “island universes.” We now suspect there may be 500 billion galaxies.

They do not swim through the universe alone. They form huge groups, form strings, bubbles, patterns across vast distances. Gravity is not restricted by size or distance. Gravity from these galaxies reach to each other and they dance a complex pattern around a central galaxy. The center of that galaxy harbors a black hole of billions of solar masses. That invisible, massive heart beats a rhythm of pulsing x rays, heating the rarefied intergalactic gases with shock waves, a drum sounding hundreds of octaves below the range of human ears.


These galactic superclusters, the largest structures discovered in our universe, so large light takes 500 million years to travel from one side to the other, sing.

Sing.

From the unimaginably small to the unimaginably large, the universe sings.

When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:
"Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!"
"Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!"

Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, "Teacher, rebuke your disciples!"

"I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."
Luke 19:37-40

The rocks do cry out! The earth sings! That shaft of crimson shouted to me, sang to me, and I heard.

The entire universe sings. The fabric of space and time is a cloth made up of threads which sing glory and reality to create this four dimensional realm, this shadow of a truer reality.

Who I am, what I am, is a wisp of smoke, a faint ghost drifting in a limited universe.

And my heart sings!

And there is a mystery... Why is that unusual?

Why is it that the one species on this small clump of rock spinning madly around such an ordinary star, this species that is blessed with the sense of beauty, the gift of creativity, a mind that is imaginative and free, is reluctant to join the rest of the universe and sing a song of praise?

Why do we not let our hearts soar in the knowledge that we are held together, the atoms of our bodies are merely the echo of a song sung beyond, and we do not tremble with joy?

When I turn my mind to God, when my thoughts reach across the scales which measure from quantum levels to half a billion light years, and I allow my heart to follow my mind, I tremble.

Not because I fear Him. Or perhaps I do. Not because I stand in judgement, but because I see how small I am, how mighty He is, how small my range of thought and feelings are, and how vast and holy He is, and I tremble because I know that mighty eye, that powerful consciousness, is turned toward me, is aware of me, loves me.

Oh... what a mightily fearful thing!

I have many gifts. I have been blessed with an intensely curious mind that seeks to learn. I have been blessed with an eye for beauty and the desire to use it creatively. I am healthy, fit, and can do many imaginative tricks, gifts given to a clever primate.

But they are all nothing.

I have only one thing of any value.

There is only one thing I think truly pleases my God.

He has given me free will, the ability to choose... and with this heart He gave me, and this freedom... I choose...

to love.

The only thing I truly have is my heart.

All I have is my respect, my joy, my adoration.

That was my first epiphany. That the universe sings, from the improbably small to the improbably large, and that I am designed to sing in trembling adulation.

The second epiphany was much more human, but it also dealt with my heart.

My marriage has been filled with hurts, and when the pain ceased, it felt like pleasure.

Have you ever had something hurt so much, a toothache, a splinter, an arrow through your thigh, that the cessation of the pain feels like pleasure? It isn’t really pleasure, I think. Just the stopping of the pain feels so wonderful.


A certainty came to me that my wife is not truly working to heal our marriage as she so frequently claims. Her recent silence suggests she is occupied. She is with him.

A few months ago the thought would make my heart pound and I would stress over the idea, fret over it, wonder if I should drive there and prove the truth of it.

But not this past weekend... I felt no such feelings.

I discovered, I didn’t care.

I find myself creating a new home, a new life with my children, and I marvel at how pleasant it is to run this home peacefully.

It is sort of like hitting my thumb with a hammer. It hurts like hell. And when the throbbing stops the cessation feels almost like pleasure.

Was my marriage so dysfunctional that between the blows of the pounding hammer I mistook the relief from pain as pleasure?

My marriage is over.

This is what acceptance feels like.

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Well, the above post was a difficult one to write. I kept getting bogged down in trying to explain the details of the two extremes of the scale of our reality. Until I realized that it does not matter if I accurately express the details of those scales. All that is important is that I give a good hint at the scale, and how I feel within it.

I feel that if I am not awestruck by the thought of who I worship, then I am not thinking about it very clearly.

The second insight about my wife has rolled along, and in perfect timing, seen its natural fruition. Today the letter from the court came telling me that the judgment is done and I am divorced.

It feels strange.

I'll get better... and I think it will be quicker than I would have thought.

It seems lately I have been taking longer strides through this mess.

I've been writing, but it is too scattered to post.

I feel sad... I feel relieved... I feel hopeful... and there are feelings I can't quite identify.

But, it probably won't be too long when I stop thinking "I'm divorced" and start thinking "I'm single."

Being married has been such a central part of my identity that it feels weird to have this cut away.

It's like an amputation. It had to go. It was gangrene and it was killing me and it needed to be cut away.

But as screwed up as it was, it was what I knew, and even in awful places, what is familiar is comfortable.

We had a Moon Howlin' Tuesday night.
I shared many of the ideas in this post.

Marinated venison.
Now that is how it should be cooked!

This past year I had a large tree cut down in my front yard. It was a threat to my home and I cut it down. I planted a pear tree nearby. It has plenty of room to grow, to produce something useful. Fruit instead of pine needles.

I went home to get Jeremiah... take him to my mother in law's (ex mother in law?). My divorce papers came today... it is final...

But. to the point. That little pear tree, planted during a very tough year for me... I dug a hole gently through its roots... and I put the decoration that was on top of our wedding cake into the hole. The tree will grow up and over it. There will be something new growing over something old.

I asked Jeremiah to take a couple of pictures for me...



17 comments:

Lucy Stern said...

Will, it doesn't seem strange to me that we are living in one of the many universes our there. When you think of living for "time and all eternity" with our Heavenly Father after this earthly life, it makes perfect sense that their are unlimited universes out there. It does make you feel like a tiny grain of sand in the scheme of all things, but we are children of God and he knows us all.

I am sure it is tough being no longer married to Brenda now, but it is time to let reality set in. I bet the "spirit" of the house is better now, that the boys are happier and you are sleeping better than before. It has to be a sign that it was the right thing to do for all of you. So far you are still calling Brenda your "wife". I wonder how long it will take for you to stop calling her that. Nice post.

Anonymous said...

May the Lord comfort you Will and supply all your emotional, spiritual and physical needs your sons too.

Love,
Amrita

Anonymous said...

Amen and Amen.


c

Anonymous said...

In the Desert of the Real, I sit. I listen carefully to your postings, for they make me a little envious, all those wonderful little insights.

They hit my GodSpot. And they are beautiful.

I think it is wise to take action on the dimensions you can feel. By burying that which has passed on, you place the body memory of it into your hands, into the muscles that helped you dig, gently, into the dirt, into the grip of the shovel that covered the hole.

We are body, mind, and spirit. And all three of yours have been touched by this experience, and though the braid of your humanity suffered a loss, the rebraid is stronger. It's like taking down a tangled braid, brushing the hair, oiling it until it shines, and then braiding it back up to rest.

And a threefold cord.....

Unknown said...

:-)

Anonymous said...

wow what a difference - love the new look




c

Anonymous said...

I love the new you and the new abode. Great job. Enjoy it immensely.
S

owenswain said...

The tree and the decoration. I know you spent a long time writing the main body of the post...but for me, it was the tree, the new over old that spoke to me. Thanks.

Curious Servant said...

Certainly. I had written a good deal more about the evidence for the quantum reality and hadrons I described... but, I substituted a bit of prose in its place... educating folks about string theory and galactic superclusters was not the heart of the post.

I have been exchanging emails with a friend about this situation, and especially about Jeremiah, and the last note I wrote I want to keep, but not as a post... I'm pasting it here so I can return to it sometime...

When I ask him what he thinks of this he says: "It's a real mess. But, we are doing OK. It will be OK."

He is a little nervous about someday moving out, but I have asked him what he thinks about Shaw's place, and he smiles a little. He thinks that it would be OK.

I really wanted a child of my own... someone I could teach about faith, and science, and literature, and art.

But the Lord gave me these two boys, and I love them fiercely. It is a privilege to be given this challenge, to help these two beautiful people to grasp lives that was beyond their reach before they met me.

It was too much for Brenda... and I see that though this may have been a large part in costing me my marriage, I see that my marriage was not with someone who shared all of the most important values I hold dear. And in the end, I would rather lose my wife, my mate, than live a life that makes me feel less about such people as these sweet sons of mine.

Curious Servant said...

I don't know if what I wrote captured what I was trying to say the other night... but I am still trembling with awe at the scope of creation... the intrinsic love woven into the fabric of all that is... and I feel so worshipful... it feels so natural to tremble in the understanding that a being so mighty has His eye on me... how can I not fall on my face?

Marvin said...

Congratulations! My work here is done. ;-)

Ron said...

Hi Curious,

This is my first time here, but I wanted to share something with you that the Lord placed on my heart with urgency. I pray that you consider what the Lord is saying during this time.

I wanted to share this Scripture with you from the Old Testament. I believe that it speaks to us in a prophetic way.
1 Samuel 8 - 1When Samuel became old, he made his sons judges over Israel. 2The name of his firstborn son was Joel, and the name of his second, Abijah; they were judges in Beersheba. 3Yet his sons did not walk in his ways but turned aside after gain. They took bribes and perverted justice. 4Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah 5and said to him, "Behold, you are old and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now appoint for us a king to judge us like all the nations." 6But the thing displeased Samuel when they said, "Give us a king to judge us." And Samuel prayed to the LORD. 7And the LORD said to Samuel, "Obey the voice of the people in all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them. 8According to all the deeds that they have done, from the day I brought them up out of Egypt even to this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are also doing to you. 9Now then, obey their voice; only you shall solemnly warn them and show them the ways of the king who shall reign over them." 10So Samuel told all the words of the LORD to the people who were asking for a king from him. 11He said, "These will be the ways of the king who will reign over you: he will take your sons and appoint them to his chariots and to be his horsemen and to run before his chariots. 12And he will appoint for himself commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and some to plow his ground and to reap his harvest, and to make his implements of war and the equipment of his chariots. 13He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers. 14 He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive orchards and give them to his servants. 15He will take the tenth of your grain and of your vineyards and give it to his officers and to his servants. 16He will take your male servants and female servants and the best of your young men and your donkeys, and put them to his work. 17He will take the tenth of your flocks, and you shall be his slaves. 18And in that day you will cry out because of your king, whom you have chosen for yourselves, but the LORD will not answer you in that day." 19But the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel. And they said, "No! But there shall be a king over us, 20 that we also may be like all the nations, and that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles." 21And when Samuel had heard all the words of the people, he repeated them in the ears of the LORD. 22And the LORD said to Samuel, "Obey their voice and make them a king." Samuel then said to the men of Israel, "Go every man to his city."
Chapter 9 - 1There was a man of Benjamin whose name was Kish, the son of Abiel, son of Zeror, son of Becorath, son of Aphiah, a Benjaminite, a man of wealth. 2And he had a son whose name was Saul, a handsome young man. There was not a man among the people of Israel more handsome than he. From his shoulders upward he was taller than any of the people.
I pray that your may be open that you can see what the Lord is saying, and that your ears may be opened that you can hear what the Lord is saying. God Bless.

Fred said...

Love the new room.

You have a lot to say and much to share. I'm thankful that you blog.

Curious Servant said...

I have not missed voting once since I turned 18 (I'm 52). I educate myself in all the issues, all the debates, all the trends and changes...

I do this because it is my duty... what I am supposed to do as a U.S. citizen, and obedient to God.

But...

In the end, I find the things of men make me sad.

Even my own life carries its own sorrows to the point where despair seems like an open door.

But it is all nothing.

It is all vapor.

I am only truly happy when I am on my face, when my heart is open to my Lord.

The world has always been, and always be, a place of hurt and sorrow and beauty and fleeting joy.

The realm of eternity breaks through now and then, and it is then that I am at peace.

Anonymous said...

he realm of eternity breaks through now and then, and it is then that I am at peace.

Now this I understand : )


Amen and amen and amen.

Anonymous said...

will, i pray to God that he will continuously guide you to the right path. i pray that God will keep you and your kids safe.

it broke my heart to know that you are no longer married but God knows best. His will be done.

Anonymous said...

When i was still living in our marital home, still trying to make a go of things, my husband (ex) took the decoration that we had kept from our wedding cake and slung it in the trash. I think you have done something much healthier with yours...as long as it isn't your way of burying Brenda ;-)

Love the vibrant pumpkin colour!