Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Journal Entry Late at Night

1961-1962 Gunsmoke, Bonanza, cork popgun, christmas, artichokes, Johnny, moon/trees/picket fence, church, wheat, mountain bars, lake, lizards, my brothers, faith, Salvador Dali, Johnny Mathis, swamp cooler, pomegranates, extra servings in cafeteria, swallowed tooth, church window, bell, balsa wood gliders, my brothers... barefoot, pirates, riding bikes, forts. Brenda was born.

1963 JFK

1969 Moon Landing

1973 Huntington Beach

1974-75 Silverado, graduated high school, visit Oregon, cave, hitchhiking ("many parts are edible")

1976 Hitchhiking, living in Ashram, Sons of Ramakrishna, Adityo, Ramprashad, Brahminandana, Yoga Center, Ventura River, California Condors

1978 Got sick,

1980 Met Brenda, Mt. St. Helens, changed name from Bill to Will, Gaston, Aloha, Timber

1981 Married, California

1987 move to Oregon

1989 Debbie & Michelle died

1990 Bought the house

1992 Willy adopted, died

1993 A March Moon

1994 Adopted boys

1998 Light leaves the sun Epsilon Eridani which will strike Luna and bounce toward me walking before dawn

1995 Brenda’s affair, bachelor's degree, master's degree, teaching license

2001 WTC... We aren’t on the moon, there isn’t a mission to Jupiter

2002 Melinda’s suicide

2004 Light leaves Alpha Proximus which will strike Luna and bounce toward me walking before dawn

2005 Church fire

2006 Jeremiah graduates high school

2007 Brenda’s Affair

2008 Divorced, Isaac graduates, Rocky, Jeremiah into group home, writing, standing in yard boys asleep... Trying to get a clear idea what this really means... Am I going to be someone different? I think so. She’s gone and I am free to relax a little. This really stinks... but it won’t be long and it is a was, not an is... melodramatic... I’d like to get away from the melodrama. How did I attract this situation? I think I have been needy... Starlight streams over me from suns far away, photons which began their journeys years ago... damn that’s a lot of writing. Job’s Tale... The Journey... Justin. C. S. AGGF Aphra, Erin, Penni, Mars, Astronomical picture of the day... Word a Day, Amrita... She has nothing. This house. That job. That church. I used to let my writing wander. It didn’t have to make sense. Weird short stories. Now I think about it so much. Am I distracting myself? Why do I want to keep so busy? This is a lot to do right now. I wonder... is it going to be OK with Jeremiah? Where will he live? What is going to happen with Isaac? What am I going to teach him? What can he do? Damn good dog. Best one I’ve had. Had at least a dozen. Isaac seems confused, sad, I hope he is going to be OK. Robotics team. Long way to go. Jeremiah seems to feel responsible somehow, scared. Can’t believe they paid that claim without telling me. Got to get her stuff out of here. Got to learn a new way of talking with her, new dance. Weird post. I have no idea what I’m doing here. Can I really figure th... I can, I will It’s cool. My home. My boys. I’ve to teach these boys how to cook something better than Hamburger Helper, twenty eight years, I wasn’t perfect in a lot of ways, but this was crazy, ever since that fire, ever since she found out... Not her fault. I’m willing to adopt, biological doesn’t mean anything to me... I think you love them and miss them, He... I’ve got to go to bed... probably shouldn’t post this... I can delete it...What a strange list of events... past, future... I know them better than she... Good boys. G’night.

We never divorced.
Brenda and I old and secretly unhappy.
House is torn down. Two small houses are built. I sell one and live in the other and tell everyone I’ll be moving out to somewhere with a little more space between me and the neighbors, but I never will.
Brenda and I have a loving, sad, tension-filled marriage. Jeremiah has been in a group home since 2009. Isaac has an apartment and a somewhat unsteady marriage. Brenda and I went on only one of those trips over seas we were always dreaming of. I suspect she has had a fling with someone, but I don’t know for sure. I don’t find out until next year.
We went to Italy. Had a fight in Greece. And had a terrible fight.
I wrote a book about random theological points... I hope it to be published, but I’ve sent it to publishers for two years and no one has bought it. I keep in my computer.
Fits alongside all the other events of my life... Willy... stuff of being a kid...

We divorced.
I did marry in only a year and a half.
House is torn down. Two small houses are built. I sell one and live in the other and tell everyone I’ll be moving out to somewhere with a little more space between me and the neighbors, but I never will.
Brenda lives somewhere down the coast. She’s married, but not to the guy she left me for. This is her fourth marriage. She never really got back into church, though she talks about it a lot. Mostly to me. We’re pretty good friends. There’s always a thing between us. Friendly tension, I’d call it.
I have recently been somewhat quiet in church... I write a lot
Isaac lives in Springfield. Pretty happily married. Has two kids. A girl, 16, and boy 13. We see them twice a year or so.
Made enough money to get a little ahead...
turned out different than I thought
I’ve come to a few spiritual conclusions and don’t talk or write about it. (?)
I stopped blogging 2011.
I taught at the same middle school until I retired last year.
Wrote eight books. Sold fairly well at first. Not a lot of money. The last six never sold much. That's fine with me. Wrote them for myself.


Curious Servant said...

I was standing in the backyard last night, looking at the house, knowing my sons were getting ready for bed.

I'm beginning to look beyond the now, and I see a vague future forming in my mind, different, of course, than the one I believed I would have had (and I realize that the dream was not going to be there reality either).

My house. My yard. My sons. My choices.

No more debates... no more negotiations. I'm sorry for how it all turned out, but I am really ending up with a good situation, all things considered.

Sat down, several times, and wrote out the above chronology with two future timelines...

I don't know why Idid that.

Only two hours sleep last night...

I'm rummy.

Anonymous said...

Will, I am so touched by your post about Rocky and your intimate talk with Isaac. You are one "in touch" human being. You are not afraid to call a spade a spade, and you do it with grace and elegance.
How blessed we all are to be your friends.
I love you friend,

Fred said...

I loved the peek into the future. I can hardly wait to read your first book.

Anonymous said...

AND the credits for your books go toooo:
Curious Servant's Blog pals : )

Keep being you!

I like you!!!

A whole bunch!!!!!!!


Amrita said...

God has your whole life in His hands the

You are His workmanship. Only when you see Him first to face will all mysteries be revealed. We will know as we are known. God bless.

Curious Servant said...

I have got to write about 1961 some day.