Jotting Down Some Thoughts

By June.

By June Jeremiah must be in a group home. Isaac graduates. I’m going to Thailand.

Hepatitis A Recommended for all travelers
Hepatitis B Recommended for all travelers
Typhoid those who eat or drink outside major restaurants
Japanese encephalitis For long-term (>1 month) travelers to rural areas or travelers who may engage in extensive unprotected outdoor activities in rural areas, especially after dusk
Measles, mumps, rubella (MMR) Two doses recommended for all travelers born after 1956, if not previously given
Tetanus-diphtheria Revaccination recommended every 10 years

All travelers should visit either their personal physician or a travel health clinic 4-8 weeks before departure.

OK... that takes care of getting the list together... There you go, Doc.

June.

I’ve done a lot of moaning these last few years. Sorry. Hit a tough spot there and I got bummed, and I... I got hurt.

There was a refusal on my part to give up on my marriage. That made it worse.

I’m starting to see how completely twisted my life had become. I’m starting to see that though this really hurt, I am really, truly, verifiably, blessed.

There’s a lot behind that statement.

Financial blessings. This refinance is going to save me a ton of money ($200 a month in my pocket, everything paid, in 15 years, not the 30, and that second mortgage had a balloon on it). Dealt with. Done.

My children and I have grown closer, and they have learned so much these last few weeks, the last couple of months... They are on their way to being able to care for themselves. And Isaac will have to. In June.

Faith. What is this that has been happening to me these last few years? How can my faith start to become so important to me? Was this a partial cause for the failure of the marriage? Did we grow in different directions, spiritually? And what is this? So often I feel, I really feel, God’s eyes upon me. Deliciously terrifying.

Freedom. This is so far from just a few weeks ago.

There were so many things which tied us together. Some were real. Some were lies. Companionship. Conversation. A habit of spooning...

That was hard at first. The empty bed. The largeness of this California king size. It is fading.

I see what I have been doing, and I understand. I think. I have gotten good at seeing what I want to see... little hard to double check all assumptions.

I was panicked over being unmarried, alone.

June.

Lately I have been thinking about being me... I’m pretty lucky. Really. I have an excellent job. My home will be paid off about the time I retire.

I've been alone before. In the last half of the 70s I hitchhiked and hiked all over the west side of North America. Just me. Well, one trip I had a dog.

I've been celibate. I lived in that ashram for almost two years.

I don’t know what God has in mind... but I am open to just about any idea. I don’t need another person in my life, He is all I really need. But, if I found someone who shared the same passions, and interests, and there was a real partnership in it... but I could just as easily take after Paul.

That’s another idea rolling around my head. Some see God as someone who is pulling all the strings, and for good or bad, He is in charge of every detail.

Others sing out that God could just be watching, and we are on our own, and that scares us. We want Him more involved than that. They say this about how we conduct ourselves. Free will. Provide us choices, and a responsibility that we are responsible for much of it, and plain bad chance for the rest.

I think it might be something in between. I think maybe God wants to be a part of our lives, and He doesn’t want to pull the strings, take over from the joy of our being independent. But, He delights in watching us, and as we draw near Him, He shows up in reflections of events around, blessings.

I’m sorry Brenda. You’ll never read this, I know. But, I feel sorry for you. You won’t find that romantic love you seek, because... well, you are taking yourself along. How can you enjoy a monogamous relationship? How can you get... I’m sorry... I wish you had been... Well... I wish you well.

How many times does it happen when a person finds they can reinvent their lives at age 52? I’m pretty lucky.

And, somehow, I think He had a lot to do with this, rearranging... Brenda and I were going in different directions.

I hope she finds her way.

I AM.

That’s what He said about Himself. Doesn’t that resonate?!!!

I think that is one of God’s great delights. He was close enough to one of us, Moses, to breathe on Him... as small a sliver of Himself, flashed across a cleft in the rock...

I think God delights in hearing us. Sometimes there seems to be the faintest of hints His breath is near.

Women. Some have shown interest, but I have none. Felt good, flattering when I needed a little flattering. I love companionship, but, at least for now, that is all I want. And maybe it will stay that way. That’s OK.

June.

Jeremiah safe and happy. Isaac independent. I’m going to the other side of the world to sit on a porch, walk through jungles, breathe different air, eat different food, meet different people.

The worship this morning was interesting. The particular songs we did were not particularly mine. Often I can feel the lyrics as some sort of echo of my life. But this morning, I was simply relaxing into telling Him I think He is pretty cool. Felt good. Not an especially meaningful... just a part of our relationship.

Hmmmm... I’m writing in bed... and I am still laying, sleeping, on the same side of the bed. That space over there is maintained.

I feel pretty fortunate. Issues and events will pass. June will come, and life will be different. Starting this Summer.

There.

No tidy essay. Just a few thoughts.