Paradigm Shift

"When are you moving out?"

I heard that question many times in the months preceding my 18th birthday.

My birthday is in April, so to move out then would be before I graduated high school.

I moved out on my birthday.

It was exhilarating to be on my own. I rented an unfinished basement for $50 a month and ate fried Bisquick and honey. I finished (apathetically) high school.

Isaac is 18. He is a senior. He knows the story I've related here, and he knows I am unlike my father, I'm not concerned when he moves out.

He also knows I want him to have the skills to take care of himself by June. He will have graduated and needs to learn to live an adult life.

I've made it clear I want him to learn to work this Summer... really work... I want him to know how to hold down a job, and how to pay bills.

I told him starting in July I expect him to pay $400 a month rent. He needs to understand how money comes in, and how money goes out. I've told him I will set aside 25% of what he pays and save it for him, so he can get started on his own (first and last, start utilities, etc.).

Jeremiah turns 20 in March. He will not be able to live on his own. He needs a group home to care for him.

There is a resource available to him which will disappear by June. If he can be living in a group home by June, he will have the resources to pay for his living expenses from now on.

If he does not move into such a place by June, that funding disappears and will probably not return. If that is the situation, I can expect to be caring for him most of my life.

If he does find such a place, he can have his own life, independent of me. He can make friends, do many things, and without the restrictions I place on him because of the logistics of caring for him.

Just after school ends I will be going to Thailand for a month... a couple of days in Paris. I will take a week or two on a road trip from Southern California to Oregon with an old friend.

June.

By June I will have begun a new life.

I'm divorced now. Soon I will be single... not defining myself by a failed marriage, but by my present status.

By June I will have begun a life that could be headed in any direction. If Jeremiah is with me, I may be looking at a life of caring for him... a life where he is central to all my plans. If Jeremiah is safe and happy, I could be free to do almost anything.

For years I have seen my future as one striding, then walking, and finally strolling into old age with Brenda, a woman I have loved, still love (though do not trust).

It is unsettling to be so unclear to what my future may be. It feels like the world is shaking, trembling, moving.

It reminds me of the game my brothers and I played as kids on demolition sites... We'd break the exterior walls of a two or three story building, get on top of it, and have a tractor smack it and snap the interior walls. The building would disintegrate and we would "Ride the Roof!"

It's January and I am divorced. I am preparing my children for their futures. Within the next few months I will be on a wild ride, debris, dust, glass, bits of wood, and sheetrock, squirting out around me.

i feel I am riding a bucking platform while the world reshapes itself.

I know it will all work out. I know that one way or another, the months will slide past as they always do, and I will arrive somewhere doing something.

But what that future may be... I haven't a good idea at all. To have my vision of the future shift from a partnership with Brenda to this wide open range of possibilities... unnerving.

I could be headed to a life where I work very hard to always watch over and care for my older son.

I could be headed for a life where he is safe, and happy, and productive, and does not need me to oversee every detail of his life.

Strangely I have found I am no longer so concerned about a partner, a mate. I'm not interested in dating, being too preoccupied with my children, and I feel I could go anywhere with my life if it turns out I am free to do so.

If Jeremiah and Isaac are set on paths that are safe, I can see myself getting married and fulfilling a version of what I had envisioned... or... I can see myself single, celibate... dedicating my life to writing, art, and drawing closer to God.

I have applied for a loan to refinance my house. Fifteen years at 4.5%. My credit card debts gone. My monthly net having another $200 wiggle room. A very good change from the 30 year loan at 6.75% and a balloon payment. Very good news. My retirement will include a home that is paid for.

We sometimes refer to our view of our world as a paradigm. Mine has shifted greatly over the past year... and the vision of my future has also changed. I haven't a new vision to replace the old, and perhaps that is the healthiest approach... live each day making the right choices as they come.

I'm standing atop a shaking structure... it is about to move... I have no clue what this ride will be like.