Just a Post

I had trouble sleeping last night. Brenda had gone to sleep on the couch and I did a little lesson writing for the new trimester. An hour later I took a prescription sleeping pill. Forty-five minutes later, another. Another forty-five minutes after that, a third. I had so much trouble getting going this morning. I was practically staggering as I got ready for work.

I feel like I am barely hanging on.

We woke up late on Sunday. It was one of those rare nights where she came to bed in the early hours from her place on the couch and we snuggled in our half conscious sleep. We woke up snuggling. I told her let's just skip church.

Not going to make a habit of it. But she needed a break, and frankly I did too.

I am so tired.

This current situation is set up to let Brenda heal. She isn't being particularly mean or anything. She is fixing supper, doing laundry, all the usual stuff.

But toward me she seems either angry or indifferent.

How can it be that I feel lonely? I feel so unbearably sad?

I want to do whatever my Lord asks of me, but this marriage seems to be such a heavy burden.

I have been a jerk. I have hurt her, decades ago, and now I am paying a price that seems to bankrupt me.

I was immature. Now I'm growing up. And it hurts.

She has much good in her. But it isn't for me anymore. Will it be someday?

Perhaps our marriage will heal. This week she is in a bad place because she is being forced to quit her job. I try not to think of the goodbyes she is saying/doing at work.

I had a student stop me in the hall today. Awkward kid. One of those with emotional, and social disabilities.

Good kid. He fell in beside me as I was striding down the hall. I barely slowed to allow him to keep up.

"Mr. Greenleaf... Can I ask you something?"

"Sure D_______, what is it?"

"Well, I hope I'm not out of line, or that you'll get mad or anything, but I was wondering... You seem sad this year."

I stopped and turned.

"Was it OK to ask that?"

"Well, I don't feel comfortable talking about my personal life with students, but I can see you are a good boy who just cares about me. Thank you. I've just got some things on my mind, that's all. You are a pretty perceptive kid, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess. I think that babies can always tell how people feel. I think most people grow out of it. I never have. I can always tell how people are really feeling, even if no one else does."

"You're a good kid, D________. Catch you later."

Sweet kid. I wish what I felt didn't show.

She has a very strong sense of responsibility and wants to see the task of raising the boys through. She does not think I can do it alone.

Additionally, the legal mess with Jeremiah has tied her down. She insisted on being his sponsor for citizenship, partly because of her lower income it makes his getting social security benefits while being granted citizenship easier, but mostly because she had more time to see the lawyers and such. If she leaves that creates a real legal mess for Jeremiah. She could take him with her, but I wouldn't allow it and besides she really doesn't want that. She wants to run away from all of this and that would be just taking the biggest part with her.

There is the fact that if we divorced she would have no health insurance, and she has a fibrous tumor in her uterus and a hemmoraghic cyst on an ovary. She may need surgery.

There is a part of her that cares what people think. She doesn't like where all of this puts her.

There is a part of her that cares for me. I don't know if it is love. Perhaps a little. There is also guilt and shame, and doing penance makes her feel that she is nobler than if she simply left.

She really doesn't want to leave me in a mess. Though I am in one already.

There's the dog, which she loves.

All of this sounds stupid.

I grieve so much for my marriage. I am such a wimp to want her.

I want her happy, healthy. Even if that means she leaves me when she gets on her feet.

I was walking around the cemetery today. I paused... told the Lord that I am so sad right now that I can hardly bear it. That it is almost like when Willy died.

I told Him that I know he understands sadness, betrayal, and I appreciate it.

I know that so many people in the world have it so much harder than I... still... I feel I can hardly breathe.

This is a tough week for Brenda. I am forcing her to quit her job, quit seeing this other man. She does not like to be forced. She is going to AA meetings every night. Her sponsor has told her to do 90 meetings in 90 days.

I think she is planning to hold on until Isaac graduates.

Isaac is a Junior. He graduates a year from June.

Jeremiah's green card should be available in February. Then we start with his citizenship process, which might take as long as five years.

So, the expiration date for this little half gallon of misery is June 2009.

Sheesh. I'm so full of shit. Even in stating simple facts I have to craft it into some sort of weird layered phrase. No wonder she is tired of me.