Monday, February 4, 2008
Family
It seems odd to me that I have poured so much personal stuff into this blog. I have written things here, told things to strangers, that I would not tell many I know and love.
I can think of two reasons.
First, I find that when I write I process things better. I can work out my thoughts, connect events to each other, integrate them into what I think about larger issues, what I think about those events and how they relate to other parts of my life. In writing I have the opportunity to think it through, and keep those thoughts in a record, a running journal of my experiences.
That is good enough for writing in general, but why have I posted them on a blog? I could easily have put them on a digital journal that wasn’t so public, another online location I could reach from anywhere.
So, the second reason for writing all this stuff is what I get out of it. I get family.
Brenda told her family about what has happened. She sort of had to because the day she left was the day she was going to have family over for Thanksgiving dinner. We had to cancel. In revealing our marital difficulties to her family I feel very awkward, around them that is. We went to see many of them during Christmas. I didn’t particularly care for having them know my wife was unfaithful and that I was just sucking it up, not tossing her from my home in indignation.
I told just a very few friends. My Moon howlin’ buddies...
...and you.
I wish I could talk to my family about it, to get their prayers, their support. My mom prays constantly and it would be good for her to pray for me. My father, well, I don’t know what to think about telling him about this, but either way, I don’t feel telling him is an option. Brothers and sisters, almost everyone who means a lot to me, do not know that I have been hurting, struggling.
I can’t tell my family about this. If she is to have a chance in reintegrating herself in my life, she needs to be able to have this a secret from them. Her shame and guilt would be an obstacle.
So, I hide my embarrassment and grief from most of my church family, and from all of my blood family.
Here I can share with folks who will never run into my wife, never have an opportunity to embarrass her. Here such folks can lift me up in prayers, can encourage and even offer a little advice (which I always feel free to take or disregard but am honored to see appear).
Here I can share with my other family, the Church, without concern of embarrassment for myself or my wife. Here I can say what is on my heart, and not worry how I am judged. Here I can be myself.
Here the internet, this birth of the Information Age, exhibits one of its positive effects. Though it can do harm, though it has its dangers, at least in this small corner of the World Wide Web, the internet brings fellow Christians, Christ Followers, from all over the globe, to be a part of my Church family.
I want to thank all of you for this privilege I have to have you visit me here. Hong Kong to Sweden, Virginia Beach to India, New Zealand to Canada, I have you to confide in when those who are closest to me haven’t a clue.
Thank you.
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9 comments:
It's an honour, CS.
Thank you.
Much love in Christ...
And, my dear brother, my family, my noMMMadic, traveling, often lost, sometimes found family is fuller by a soul.
Has been since I first read you. ;)
(bows)
we also learn much from you!
May God always be honored.
You are welcome :)
And it is amazing out here, isn't it. I think this cyberworld of relationships will have sociologists and psychologists researching and analyzing for years ;)
I hesitate to write this and yet to not seems to deny what is in my heart re: this exchange from The Shack . This piece was huge to me and seems appicable to those of us who do better on line than in real life...I am more honest here than I seem to be able to muster in real life and yet on the occassions where I remember who's in control.......anyway for your consideration.
“ But, what you said. I mean about hiding inside lies. I guess I’ve done that one way or another most of my life”
“Honey, you’re a survivor. No shame in that. Your daddy hurt you something fierce. Life hurt you. Lies are one of the easiest places for survivors to run. It gives you a sense of safety, a place where you only have to depend on yourself. But it’s a dark place isn’t it?”
“So dark, “ Mack muttered with a shake of his head.
“But are you willing to give up the power and safety it promises you? That’s the question.”
“What do you mean?” asked Mack.
“Lies are a little fortress; inside them you can feel safe and powerful. Through your little fortress of lies you try to run your life and manipulate others. But the fortress needs walls, so you build some. These are the justifications for your lies. You know, like you are doing this to protect someone you love, to keep them from feeling pain. Whatever works, just so you feel okay about the lies.”
“But the reason I didn’t tell Nan about the note was because it would have caused her so much hurt.”
“See, there you go . Mackenzie, justifying yourself. What you said is a bold faced lie, but you can’t see it. Do you want me to tell you what the truth is?”
Mack knew Papa was going to go deep and somewhere inside he was both relieved to be talking about this and tempted to almost laugh out loud. He was no longer embarrassed by it. “No-o-o-o,” he drew his answer out slowly and smirked up at Papa. “ But go ahead anyway.”
Papa smiled back and then grew serious.
“The truth is Mack, the real reason you did not tell Nan was not because you were trying to save her from pain. The real reason is that you were afraid of having to deal with the emotions you might encounter, both from her and in yourself. Emotions scare you, Mack. You lied to protect yourself, not her!”
He sat back. Papa was absolutely right.
“And furthermore, such a lie is unloving. In the name of caring about her, your lie became an inhibitor in your relationship with her, and her relationship with me. If you had told her, maybe she would be here with us right now.”
Papa's words hit Mack like a punch in the stomach. “You wanted her to come, too?”
That was your decision and hers, if she had ever been given the chance to make it. The point is, Mack, you don’t know what would have happened because you were so busy protecting Nan.
This brief and maybe confusing, I hope intriguing exchange is from the book The Shack. It came into my life at a time where the questions outweigh any answers and that is becoming comfortably uncomfortable.
The idea of managing others emotions … I thought I was helping….I thought I knew things I didn’t know….and only recently do I, am I beginning to see it for what it is…
I knew lying was an issue for me… but the desire to manage another’s emotions ....just never seemed to be what I was doing and IF I was doing it, it wasn’t bad……yeah denial is not just a river in Egypt ….this exchange spoke to me. So read the book and would love to talk about it and anything and everything. I want to learn to listen and you all here teach me much. He uses us to teach each other....He uses us to spread His love and I am grateful. He is IN THIS....thanks for listening and I am praying for BOTH of you.
Thank you for letting us in:-)
And ditto first and third.
BJK: I don't know if I made it clear that the novel I have mentioned of late was that one.
I found that particular passage interesting.
Brenda is reading it right now, and is very resistant to it, critical of the whole idea that God interacts with us.
Thanks for the comment.
That goes for y'all as well.
I imagine she would be I will pray a soft receptive heart as she reads....and for you to be true to the voice you hear.
dear Will, you are a very precious brother in Christ. i have learnt so much from you.This is what being a part of God 's family means.
My sister too hid her marriage problems for years untill i forced it out of her. She felt like you do.
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