Trust

I became suspicious today. It was baseless. I thought I had evidence that she was in contact with this other man. She may be, but I was wrong about what I thought I had.

I had an hour and a half until the end of my work day.
I had an hour and a half to do my best with my students.
I had an hour and a half to wonder where my wife was.
I had an hour and a half to think, to stew.

My heart rate increased. My thoughts became repetitive. I was anxious.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
--Philippians 4:6

No matter the source of my anxiety, this is not an emotion from God, a feeling He wants me to have.

It seems clear that feelings that are negative, emotions which are destructive, are not things God wants for us.

I rushed home. Checked on my suspicions. Found them without merit. Took a Xanax. Went for a walk. Prayed to my friend, the Carpenter.

The question is, how do I trust her? How do I work against my suspicions? My own mind?

I try to discipline my thoughts. I try to avoid checking on her.

Where is my marriage today? Where is it going?

These aren’t good thoughts. These aren’t thoughts which draw me closer to God. These aren’t thoughts that help me to see a clear path, a way the Carpenter would have me walk.

My wife and I are pretending. Pretending that we have a marriage. We are keeping the household running.

Every Wednesday we go to counseling. Every Wednesday the tension rises, and then subsides.

I think Brenda tires of the counseling. Understandably. She goes in for substance abuse counseling for three hours three times a week, does seven AA meetings a week, and goes to counseling with me once a week.

I want a fast, easy fix. I want her to heal.

She was my best friend.

I want to trust.