She was more than grumpy.
I did my best to stay cheerful, helpful.
We have been working pretty hard this weekend. We split about two cords of wood (with a friend’s help and a hydraulic splitter for 80% of it). It was a lot of packing wood around the house, stacking it along the fence, cleaning up the yard afterward. I even managed to get around to washing her car.
Her resentment grew.
There were moments when things were good... we seemed happy, happy to be working together, sweating and struggling in splitting and chopping and moving what was once a large tree in our yard.
Evening came, she was in the bedroom reading abook. I went in to check on her.
“I’m sorry I was so grumpy today.”
That surprised me. A change of mood.
“It’s OK. Let it go.”
“I want you to stop being nice. I want you to be a butt. Then I won’t feel bad about what I have done. I want you to go back to not showing you cared like you did years ago.”
“You have to let that stuff go. You have to forgive me and forgive yourself. It’s no good for me. It’s no good for you. It isn’t fair to either of us for you to keep living in the past and not in the now. If I can forgive you, you can forgive me.”
“No,” she said, “I can’t.”
“You have to. If we are going to make this work, if we are going to rebuild our marriage, we have to move on.”
“I don’t think I can. I think this is who I am.”
“No it’s not. You can be anything you want. You can do what you want. You don’t have to stay; we don’t have to be married.”
I felt her sulk rise.
“You know that’s not true,” she growled. “If we divorced, Isaac would fall apart and there’s no telling how Jeremiah will act out.”
“Yes, we can divorce. If I become convinced that we cannot save our marriage, I will divorce you. The only reason I haven’t yet is because I love you, I want to help you, and I think we can rebuild our marriage. If I stop believing that, it’s over. You may think that you have to stay because of the kids, but I don’t. That is your motivation for being here. Don’t think that it is mine. You don’t believe I can handle raising these boys on my own. I believe I can.”
So... the roller coaster rolls on. Up and down, around in tight curves.
I will do what God calls me to do. If there isn’t a future for us, then that will be as it will be. But if we can work on our marriage, I will continue to be patient.
7 comments:
If anyone ever truly had the patience of Job...
I am here with you every day (even when you don't see any evidence of it).
J.
I tuned out the ipod (ear plugs laying on the desk) while I read your post and thought about what to say. Just as I finished, I became aware that John Fogerty was screaming at me to whisper to you.....
"Long as I Can See the Light"
Love ya Will.
What if....it is who she is....can you love her?
Thanks J.
BJK... Good question. I don't know the answer.
Brenda needs help.She is all knotted up and bitter. If only she lets go of the past and forgive and let God forgive her.
What a beautiful picture of the love of Christ. And yet, not everyone responds to it.
I understand her comment about you being so nice. It's tough for her, but oh so neccessary for her to be loved. It's hard to pick a battle with nice people. They simply don't want to fight.
I loved your smile on Sunday.
S
its a hard thing to receive love...His love, your love...self love...it requires a lot of giving up, lying down..a lot of death to self...it requires practice. Brenda is very fortunate that she is even having the opportunity to try practicing...God is good
will, you have to keep on praying for brenda. that God will change her heart of stone to a heart of flesh. that brenda will learn how to forgive herself as she accepts forgiveness from God. i know how tiring it is to be in such a roller coaster kinda relationship but, God can change her as He changes you. don't give up. keep pressing on.
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