Lunch has been a rather light meal. Brenda packs a Lean Cuisine, a piece of fruit, a yoghurt, and a juice in each lunch. I eat the yoghurt first thing in the morning, and all but the fruit at 10:30.
There was something extra in my lunch bag this morning:
A nice note.
I had conflicting feelings about it. It was nice. It was kind. It was hopeful. But, I also thought, is she trying to throw me off? Is this an attempt at redirecting my suspicions? Is this just a note to make me feel better and has nothing at all to do with us as a couple? Is she planning something and this is a way to assuage her guilt?
What a load! I hate the fact that I can’t even get a simple note from my wife of 27 years without feeling turmoil in my heart! Am I losing my mind? How can I be so suspicious of my circumstances that she can’t even leave a note that uses the word “love” without my getting all wigged out over it?
I’m tired of this whole thing. I’m tired of writing about it, talking about it, going to counselors about it, attending Al Anon meetings about it, pretending to others that things aren’t coming apart. I’m tired of praying about it. I’m tired of looking at her and wondering, having conversations with her that are like walking through a verbal minefield.
And I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of months with less sleep than I need. I’m tired of holding things together, my relationship with my kids, with my wife, even the walks with the dog seem to be some sort of shared responsibility with her that has implications.
I’m tired of pulling myself together each day and putting so much energy into being what should come natural, being a teacher. I’m tired of working so hard to force my mind to concentrate on my students and praise them when they do good, instruct them when they are confused, and get them back to work when they are off task. This is a job I love. It shouldn’t be this much work. I’m simply too distracted!!!!!
Being hungry is a way of pulling my mind off this mess.
But how much longer can this go on? It has been since early August!!!!!!!!!
I’m going nuts. And today, a simple little note that says I am loved is throwing me into confusion.
8 comments:
(OOO)
I remember once receiving a similar communication from my hubby. I was really mad at him too. Not for the reasons you have, but I was furious.
When I got the "i love you", I at first just wanted to delete it and forget it happened and stay mad.
Then, after a few hours, I thought about it, and I said to myself, "It doesn't matter why he said it. It matters if I accept it at face value, and leave it at that."
So I did, and I was still ticked, but not so much.
If it helps, know that it is truth. Truth got through to you somehow, you ARE loved. Controlling how, or who, loves you, is not your job. Accepting love is yours....that is your duty.
Oh. And I'm envious of those 12 pounds you lost. You sent them down here, didnt'cha? (growl) :)
You're loved, Will. Know it's true. Accept it from wherever it comes, for we get few enough reminders while we struggle down here.
(((((())))))))
Well done on the weight loss! I've lost only 8 lbs in 3 weeks, so feel free to share your tips with me!!!
About the note. Accept it for what it is. Nothing more and nothing less. It's a note to wish you well in your day. It's a small sign that may well say a lot more than you realise. For a woman, who I gather is not big on effusive love gestures or romance, this is at least a warm glow of hope in an otherwise dark situation. She thinks about you, and more than that, by writing the note, she wants you to know that she thinks about you.
I think the note is sincere. I wouldn't read anything into it other than I think she knows you needed someone to wish you a good day. And signing it "love" Brenda is a psychological tag at worst. It just means she wants you to take the message sincerely.
That's my take anyway.
And hey, a "have a good day" note you're not sure is sincere is always better than a kick in the teeth that you know is.
As far as your doubts and suspicions, cut yourself some slack. You are HUMAN. An abused animal won't stroll right up to you no matter how sweetly you speak to it or what kind of food you hold out.
Time does indeed heal wounds, but it also leaves a scar. We can be whole again. Just in a different way.
I hope you have a good day.
Love,
Justin
Thanks.
I probably should have taken a Xanax yesterday. This has been such a stressful path, and a far longer one than I could have imagined. Everyday feels like it is too much to handle, but somehow I make it through and I wake to another day, and do it again.
Last night, as I lay in bed thinking about this post I wrote, I thought about how this is changing me. With all the wild pushes on my emotions it seems to me that I am becominng stronger, that somehow this hard wind is blowing at this tree on the cliff's edge and it just strengthens its roots.
When the wind stops, when the storm passes, the roots are strong enough to even hold the rocks of the cliff together.
There will be a day when all of this will be something that happened, not something that is happening.
Willy's death was awful. and it still hurts. But it is not the central part of my life that it was that first year.
This will become like that too one day. Something that happened, not something that is happening.
Thank you all for your prayers and company.
as for the weight loss... it is pretty simple. Worry until you have no apetite and walk every time you have a chance.
I understand.
yes, accept the note as face value.
again, do a simple painting and give it away....
your joy will be someone elses treasure. even if you don't feel the joy yourself it will come. put your focus to your fingers = joyful distraction.
thank you for your transparency. we are all learning from you and together.
"And hey, a "have a good day" note you're not sure is sincere is always better than a kick in the teeth that you know is." (judas hate)
hi will
i just dropped in to see how you are doing.
other than the rich wisdom that is afforded you in justin's comment, something occured to me just now as i was praying for you:
brenda put that note in your lunchbag.
she packs your lunch, supporting your goal by placing what you need in there, rather than what you don't.
and along with it, she placed a note wishing you a good day and signed 'Love Brenda'
will, she doesn't have to do any of this- but she does. it is offered to you. the anonymous comment above says 'accept the note as face value'.
grace and acceptance. common and familiar themes, man. bad faith results in bad theology and people's cosmic mistrust reinforces the distance between themselves and the grace-offering God. if 'this is really about that' (rob bell from his book 'sex god') and our lateral relationships somehow inform our vertical ones and vice versa, then perhaps the problem is not with the grace offered but in one's inability to accept because of their own stuff going on.
in any event, i read your post and was reminded of the time you shaved your beard for lent (last year, or the year before- can't remember now) simply because lenten fasts often involve the giving up of something and here you are working at losing weight. whatever the case, when we fast we give up something and accept something else in its place. so in place of something that would compromise you, tempting you to break this discipline that you have embarked upon, you have been given a note indicating love and blessing.
accept the grace in place of whatever she could have put in your lunchbag instead and whatever she could have said to you instead.
shalom
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