Notes.

Today, I'm taking both boys with me. Breakfast, Special Olympics coaching, and the study skills training I am doing this afternoon. Meanwhile, Brenda is picking up the rest of her things.

Here is a bit of something for my online journal to store:

Letter 1 to Brenda:

Brenda:

Shoot me a text when you have your things loaded. I wish I could be there to help, but I don’t think I want the kids to see this.

I know that taking your things out is hard. I know you have changed your mind. But, you need to change your heart too. Know you are loved. God loves you in ways that are so immeasurable, you will never be able to see them. I know this faith stuff is real, though it is experience I cannot show or prove.

Love Jeremiah. Love yourself. Hell, go ahead and love John. Love comes in so many shades of emotional experience. You are loved.

I had trouble telling you why you cannot move back. But I’m going to try a little right now. You want to try again. You are very sorry about the hurt, hassle, and inconveniences that have happened in these last few years. You want to try again.

But from over here, from where I am standing... I see the same problems we have had reappearing, no matter how much we want to try again. You are so angry. Your hurts and resentments, and disappointments have consumed you. Far more than alcohol has. Yes, I believe you need to be freed from alcohol. But, much more strongly, I believe you need to be freed from the tyranny of your own emotions. That would be hard for you to do here.

From over here, from where I stand, I realize there are some things I want in my life. I had wanted biological children and a lifelong mate. And it really wasn’t such a hard adjustment to drop the word “biological” from that dream.

Now that the second part of that dream is gone, and I think about what my future will be like now. I don’t know if I will find someone else, love someone new (though that isn’t hard to imagine really because I am finding it easier and easier to love everyone I meet... feel good about being around them...). I do know that if I did, it would be a relationship built on partnership. It would not be a giant chess match laid out in a mine field.

I want to live without fear of getting into a fight, live not mentioning all the things I want to do for fear of you becoming upset.

Any way... I’m not here to point out the mistakes either of us have done. Just to say... good luck to you. I love you. I know God loves you. And in his flawed way, John loves you. The darkness of your hurts is what should be your greatest focus right now. See Jeremiah for the wonderful person he is. Take joy in things that are small, beauty in nature, beauty in people, beauty in your own heart.

Will

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Letter 2 to Brenda (specifics)

Please take everything you will ever want. I am going to consider that anything left today is something you aren’t coming back for.

Few things to remember.

If you take photo albums, please leave pictures that are important to me. I think you would know which ones. And if there is some doubt here or there which of us should have a particular photo (or anything else), go ahead and take it.

What else...

Your exercise equipment is under the tarp in the backyard.

Your bicycle. You can take one of the other ones no one uses for John.

Books. Grab anything you want. Sheesh... there are probably 1500 of them. Go wild. You can also take the bookshelf your stuff is on. You can fit half the library on it. You’ll need to unscrew the brackets that hold it to the wall.

Your grampa’s desk, and your hope chest of course. Please check that there aren’t papers in it I may need.

Take the futon. We don’t need it (and frankly, don’t want it).

Take whatever dishes, silverware, cooking utensils, whatever, that you want.

Do not take any extra paintings without talking to me.

Do remember to take the picture of the little girl.


Take the piano!

I’m enclosing a little metal “stone” impressed with an angel. I want you to have a little something from me.


Give me some time to get this household rolling. I want you to see the boys often, but, for now, NOT JOHN. Maybe some day, but not for a while yet. It would not be good for them and they have said they don’t want to see him.

Take anything you want. Leave nothing you want.

Take care of yourself.

Will

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Letter to John:

John.

I would prefer to be here. But, I don’t want my children seeing Brenda move her stuff out, and so I am with them.

Please be careful when moving stuff. Careful of what you are taking out, careful of the things that remain, and careful with the walls, corners, etc.

And be careful with your life. I have heard you once were a strong Christian. Dude, believe it or not, you still are. If you gave your life to Christ, and meant it, no one, no thing, can pluck you from His hand. Not even yourself.

I won’t extol the flaws I see in your character. I think you know them well enough already.

But I will say I know you have many wonderful traits that God has made in you. Find them. You have made some really poor choices, but set your heart on a path of drawing closer to God and things will get better, and better.

If you want to stay with Brenda, you know the right thing to do is to marry her. If you do that it would remove an obstacle from your walk... the one that leads to eternity.

I have no problem with seeing you. I wish I was here to help, and supervise. But, though I love you as a fellow person, and a brother in Christ, there are few people I have felt this pissed off at. It would be wise for us to deal with each other with the former in mind, be respectful, kind, and well mannered. There isn’t any reason to make a fist.

See you around.

Will