How I'm Doing

This weekend Jeremiah moves out.

Last night Isaac went to his Senior Prom, Brenda took him.

She asked several times if I wanted to go.  It was an important evening... I wanted to hang with Isaac and Jeremiah, but I didn't want to set up a scene where we looked like a family on an outing.

It would have made her feel comfortable and the boys would have liked it.  But there are those echoes of our marital life here... I don't want it.

It would make her feel we are being extremely civilized... sharing moments of the boys' lives together, but she going home to her boyfriend and me to an empty bed.

Isaac would have been too busy with friends to notice me... and besides, she and Jeremiah were going to a movie or something.

No, there are large moments which we shall share, graduation, perhaps a wedding or two.

But she threw away our relationship and she doesn't pick and choose what parts of it she would like to keep.  I choose too.

So I stayed home.

I was going to fix myself something to eat... but a real meal seems too much trouble for one person.  I jumped into the van and drove toward the town's center, choosing a small Mexican Food place which hasn't been open long.

I didn't like eating alone.  Almost felt like inviting the waitress to eat with me.

I didn't like it, but it wasn't distasteful enough that I feel the need to find date or something.  I'll get used to finding ways to get adult company, conversation, when I need it.

More and more I feel it doesn't matter if I get another spouse.  If I do, it will be for the right reasons, because we love and want to share.  Not something trivial like company and conversation.

Jeremiah is more and more excited about his move.  I am so pleased he is feeling so good about it.  My mother in law is moving out temporarily so management can remodel.  Jeremiah likes that she is preparing to move out while he is.

I got my last immunization shots for the trip to Thailand.   That trip will happen soon, and I will find myself kicking around a small village in a small corner of the world, and things will s-l-o-w  down...

The sleep thing is unsteady.  A couple of nights ago I got eight hours.  The most in two years.  Then a night of nightmares, five hours, followed by last night, still awake at 3:30.   I had taken two sleeping pills and milk at 9:00.  Two more at 2:30. Up at 6:30. 

As for my hands... the last week the splitting has stopped and the cracks closed, and now they simply itch.  Much better!  It's a relief to be able to shake hands again.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I've pretty much kept it from my thoughts.  My boys certainly up to putting together anything for it.  

: )

So, that's how I'm doing.  I miss having regular adult conversation, eating with someone.  But I'm OK.  I'm not willing to live on Brenda's terms, I'd rather not go than go in some strange cooperative family outing.  

I'll find folks to go eat with if I need them.  I'll move Jeremiah out this weekend.  I'll wind up the school year and go to Thailand.

May 2nd He Moves

It was an important meeting.

A meeting of great import.

The manager of the group home. The representative of the home’s owners. The woman from the county and the woman who is soon to replace her. The woman who held the purse strings for a previous source of assistance for Jeremiah, a source that is ending. Jeremiah. Me.

An hour and half, discussing everything from incomes and expenses, to preferences and plans.

There are a few documents I need to deliver. There is a new school to enroll him in.

But the details are done. The papers are signed. It is settled. It is done.

Oh...

Oh...

There has been so many changes these last few years...

Selah

No one knows for sure...

There is a word which appears often in the Psalms: “Selah.”

It seems to have a liturgical meaning, but no one knows for certain what the word means.

There are theories. Some think it means that when the poem was read or sung, there was a moment of silence at the end of the verse, “selah” indicates the pause. Most who hold this view believe that the word was not spoken, it just indicates the interlude.

Others think the word was a directive for musicians to play (or stop playing).

Some hold that it was a real word spoken by those in attendance, and it was a sort of blessing, like “amen," perhaps meaning “forever...”

Either way, it still remains in the Psalms, centuries after it was translated into Greek.

In older Bibles, The King James Version, or The Bishop’s Bible (the one Shakespeare would have read), "selah" was italicized.

No one is quite certain what it means, or what to do with it, but it seems important. It remains.

I’m reminded of two literary trivia tidbits regarding the word... I recall Starbuck says the word when he realizes Ahab, the monomaniacal tyrant of the Pequod, is bent on self destruction in his pursuit of Moby Dick.

The second is how it appears in Psalm 46 and that only by it not being spoken does it make the strange coincidence of that psalm work.

(In the King James Version of the Bible, the 46th psalm has been suggested by some to have been written [translated] by Shakespeare. He had nearly finished his career [only one play to go], was known to King James [Shakespeare’s acting troop was partly sponsored by the king], it was Shakespeare’s 46th birthday that year, the 46th word from the beginning is “shake” and the 46th word from the end [if you don’t read out the word “selah] is “spear.”)

No matter. Or perhaps it does matter...

At any rate, though the meaning has been lost to history, the word remains.

So, I suppose, it would be OK for me to accept any one of those interpretations. Or all of them.

A moment of silence.

An interlude of music.

A chorused “Forever...”

In my reflections of my faith, the nature of God, the nature of the universe, all those... silence, nature singing out, eternity with me always, “selah” seems a pleasant word.

The boys and I had dinner at the group home where Jeremiah will soon be living. Isaac seemed a little nervous over the other residents' handicaps, but Jeremiah grinned and warmed up to “Sherry,” the woman who fixed the meal and is one of those generous, loving motherly types.

On the drive home, Jeremiah asked if we could go back Saturday.

“I’m sorry buddy, but I have plans to help someone Saturday afternoon, and I have to do what I promised I would do.”

“That’s OK,” he said.

He looked at me sideways.

“Maybe you could take me there and I could hangout, and you could come back for me later?”

Wow.

Jeremiah’s fears about moving out have vanished. He actually wants to go there, even by himself.

Selah.

Really...

I rarely forward or suggest things for emails and websites and such... but... this is worth it.

Really.

Click anywhere.

FUNd Raiser a Month Ago

Had this little fund raiser for our school... Battle of the (Air) Bands. I got some pics of it today... Here are a couple of me.

Stain

There is a stain on the living room carpet. I tried many ways to remove it and now accept it will be there until I replace that carpet someday.

It’s Good Friday. For another hour or so anyway.

Despite the seriousness I have for my faith, I know that the recognition of my failings, repentance of my failings, does not mean I have shed all trace of stain.

I love my sons.

I feel ambiguous over their futures.

It is a good thing Jeremiah is headed to a group home. He will be cared for all his life, I will see him as often as I like, I realize my reservations about this are as much about my own insecurities of my changing future as the ache I feel in seeing his fear.

I want to be more than I am.

I want my faith to be fully expressed in my life.

I want to forgive her.

I just can’t seem to do it. Not yet.

I know God. It isn’t theological. It isn’t emotional or logical or physical. I know God. I know He is a part of my life, a part of who I am. There is a spiritual aspect of who I am, what I am, and within that spirit that animates this body, I feel the twisting, fluttering, roiling reality of a powerful entity which, Who, breathes more than life into me. I know God in that stirring within.

I want to forgive her.

I want to lay that particular burden down for I know that resentment, the failure to forgive, is a poison.

I don’t vent my resentment or anger. I don’t share with her the thoughts I have about her. It would be pointless. It would not change anything, only create more wounds for she and I. Failing to forgive her does no harm to her, only to me, and I want to forgive her.

I just can’t seem to do it now.

I prayed fervently tonight I be able to shed those feelings. I want to be more than I am.

This life has been along an interesting path. Not the graceful winding trail through gentle woods I would have chosen, but that is OK.

I think aging isn’t so much about having traveled far. I think it’s more about the terrain.

We loved that dog. But he died. We still have the stain he left on the carpet.

I loved my wife. But she is gone. And I still have the stain of failing to fully forgive her.

I think someday I would like to yank that carpet out, replace it with wood and rugs.

Tonight I offered up my lack of forgiving, and though I feel it will be someday possible, stark honesty requires I admit I haven’t replaced the carpet of that failed marriage.

I know it will come.

Just not quite yet.

I’m trying...

My Son...

I need to get to bed... but all afternoon I have spent every moment with my sons... talking with them, praying... and I wonder... Is this right? Am I doing the right thing?

I know, it will give Jeremiah security, independence, I won't be such a dominant factor in his life and he can be relaxed about his choices (he always, they always, seem to avoid making choices, fearing I won't approve... I think they were always that way... somehow feeling there was a risk because they were adopted...).

I know I am doing the right thing. Somehow it feels like I am abandoning him... (though I will be a presence in his life for as long as I draw breath).

Their mom... their dog... now Jeremiah is moving on...

Update

Brace yourself... This is the prelaunch countdown sequence for a rambling post covering what is on my mind, what decisions are in process, and how I’m feeling.


First, I’m exhausted... The night before last I slipped back into my pattern of only five hours sleep. Last night I simply couldn’t fall asleep and the last time I looked at the clock it read 12:57. When I sat up from my sleep, wide awake, the clock read 4:06. So... three hours...

I know what I was thinking (and praying ) about... My sons.

Today was a big day. Brenda and I and Jeremiah toured a group home.

I had believed that we could not meet the deadline for getting Jeremiah into a group home so that he could draw on a certain source of funds. This was aggravated last week when the governor’s office said that all such programs would go into a budget freeze April 15th. Not only we didn’t have any leads for a place for Jeremiah, but the deadline was moved up six weeks.

But, we heard about this group home in Oregon City, about seven miles from here, and we toured it. A half mile before I got there I got my third flat tire in two weeks.

The meeting went well.

The youngest resident there is 27, so a bit old for friends with Jeremiah, but... we are going for it.

There... I said it... In the next week Jeremiah’s budget will be figured out, the funds accessed, and we will begin painting his room in that group home and move him in. My eldest son has a home.

I have so many mixed emotions...

I will go see him daily for a while, and bring him to church with us every Sunday... but, this is a large step forward for him, for us.

I would still prefer to see if I can get him in to that Christian Youth camp in Central Oregon... but that place won’t be ready. It does not have a sprinkler system, but someone has offered to help in that regard, and I passed the word on to them a few days ago.

Things are going to be tight (I am just paying off that credit card debt, and now it looks like the tires for the van are going to begin running it back up again, today’s flat tire was one of the two good ones, but it is ruined now and so, on Friday, I’m replacing all four).

Brenda won’t be able to take Jeremiah to his first Special Olympics practice this weekend, so I will...

I love that boy.

Like most folks, I’m not partial to change, and this divorce was rough to handle, and this move of Jeremiah’s is also difficult, but I know it will work out.

I appreciate all your prayers, words of encouragement, kind notes... One thing that is a little difficult right now is my hands.

I have psoriasis, which flares up when I am under stress. For the past two months I have had splits form nearly daily in my hands. They look like I've been stabbed with steak knives. Every time I shake someone’s hands it hurts enough that I’m glad I’m keeping my bladder empty! I don’t let anyone know that they are hurting me...

Hopefully things will settle down and I can get more rest again, and relieve some of the stress that I’ve had.

I know that being a sensitive sort of guy is part of what makes me who I am, especially in terms of being creative, introspective, imaginative. But sometimes I would like to be a little rougher around the edges. Or at least in my palms.

As usual I have been watching my thoughts and emotions, and I see my mood swinging out of the orbit around my spouse of 28 years. Sometimes I feel a little resentment, mostly I am philosophical and eager to meet the goals I have.

Which, the next goal, which I am going to jump at within the hour, is get a decent night’s sleep.

G’night folks.

Simple Journal Entry...

Just a regular journal entry...

Last weekend was wonderful. Isaac stayed at home and Jeremiah and I went to central Oregon. It was far better at that youth camp than I dreamt it could be.

I don’t know if Jeremiah could end up living there... but if he did, he would be happy, productive. It may not be possible because it is unclear at this point if the funds that seem to be coming Jeremiah’s way would cover his staying there...

But, perhaps.

Meanwhile... I was fairly certain that we would not be able to meet the June deadline for finding a group home for Jeremiah. There were no openings, no responses to requests, and his name would be passed by...

But, this Wednesday Jeremiah and I, and Brenda, are touring a group home. It is as much about them interviewing us as we them. But if he does get in to this place, he would have access to these funds which would take care of him all his life...

I met with B this past week... told her frankly how I felt things should go with Jeremiah and what I want of her in terms of making it happen. She agreed.

It may be that within a month Jeremiah will be living elsewhere...

But there are many things to understand, agree to, consider, pray over...

This is huge.

All of this is huge.

My entire life has been a tremendous shuffling act the last few years.

The last couple of days I have spoken openly, frankly, with both of my sons. They understand as best they can what the choices are, what it means.

Aside from the possible change in Jeremiah’s situation, but I have felt my heart lighten.

I am less and less anxious about life, about what will happen next.

I am more and more grateful for my situation, for my life.

I haven’t a clear idea about what will happen next, but things are moving about me...

Smiles

Note: This post is a cheat. I am going to my writer’s group tonight. I need to have something something written within the next two hours and 13 minutes. So... I pasted in a part of an email I wrote... I’m going to edit it down a bit... and then starting adding to it. Hence, the strange twist in my writing will probably be evident.

The nearest town is twenty miles away. It has a population of 37. It takes another hour to get to a city of 7,000.

This place is large. One hundred residents. First class pools, equipment, landscaping... 46,000 acres. The sports center has two acres under its roof. The largest continuous wood floor in the Western United States. Two Olympic size pools connected to make a “T”. The cafeteria, almost a nice restaurant, is probably six times the size of the one in my kids’ school.

All donated time and money.

Walking along the wide, covered sidewalks, it wasn’t the buildings and manicured lawns that is impressive.

It’s the smiles.

Four hundred volunteers had gotten together to join the one hundred residents walk ast each other, cheerful, joyous.

I’ve never been around so many of my own faith with a common purpose, to help care for this place.

The smiles...

Genuine, open. Hundreds.

I had begun to relax. Really relax.

There was a meeting were twenty or so of us met to discuss the day’s work. From infants to men much older than I, we gathered, discussed the projects, and then worshipped.

Someone handed Jeremiah a drum. He looked at me just briefly, enough to assure himself it was OK with me, Strange drum... a sort of a cube. And he was awesome! From song to song he changed rhythms, and blended with the guitar perfectly.

We dug a four foot wide section through the lawn, filter fabric, three inches of crushed rock. A sprinkler in the system around two sides of the condominium building five disadvantaged women live in. A perforated by pipe carrying roof water to a creek we built, lined with boulders and smaller rocks. Another path around the building to a little bridge. The porches and roof trim were repainted.

There were two worship services.

For the first time... the first time ever, I heard Jeremiah sing the worship songs with me.

I glanced at him and his face was beaming.

I don’t look around during worship. In fact, for the last fifteen years I have worshipped with my eyes closed, peeking only when I am unsure of the words.

I understand those who look at folks like me and see it as a self-induced excited state. I understand the scientific thought and research regarding human psychological and perhaps physical (brain) need for God.

Whatever.

I love science, but it is just a system, a particular way of looking at what exists.

None the less, there is a presence drifting through us, there are reactions within our hearts, our minds. I feel it. Others do as well.

There is a sense of a consciousness considering us. I feel an awareness near me, gentle, loving, and impossibly powerful.

Deliciously terrifying.

That is what God is to me.

If His holiness isn't in mind when I turn my heart and mind to Him, then I’m not really thinking about what I am doing.

The universe is at least 28 billion light years across. It has been around for approximately 14 billion years.

Time is not the moving thing we like to think of it as...

It simply is. Every moment lasts forever. The past is still occurring. The future is already here (effect can precede cause). A tremendously large universe.

Through all that area, those huge distances, that huge span of time, is a being who is so much the ideal personification of Love that He exists in a community of love and has intentionally created beings with souls free to love or reject.

The I AM!

What a fearful thing to draw near to such intense purity, holiness, love. Deliciously terrifying. It frightens me terribly yet makes me feel special, unique, cared for, loved, important. His presence, His very existence, make me tremble.

His pleasure is sweeter than anything else this world offers.
Why should I be concerned about the thoughts and reactions of those around me while I worship when the Lord God Himself is pleased I open my heart to Him?

-----------------------

As for Antelope...

It is awesome. It is so much more than I had hoped it would be. It would be a good life for Jeremiah. There are obstacles to getting him there. The county and state are still demanding he live in a residence with a sprinkler system. They believe he can only function in a group home and this does not fit that criteria. There is a process in play that is searching for a temporary home for him. I would have very little authority about where he lived, I’d be giving him over to the control of the state.

I could go on and on of how the camp is ideal.... 100 residents who would love him, are a part of a Christian community, a built in family and friends. The facilities are first rate, He would have useful work, would make a difference with his hands and smile. He would be contributing to the world than doing only Special Olympics or bowling, or going to movies.

He would be happy and productive (which is perhaps the only way to be happy).

Meanwhile... the June deadline for the other funds is looming close (June) and I don't think it will be met. He will lose that opportunity, that resource. But, that may be best, there were strings attached, authority, and though it is a lot, apparently it doesn’t cover all he needs.

The group home I like for him is full, and the man who was at death's door there has made a remarkable recovery. The owner is considering opening a second home in May, but that may not be soon enough, and he can't take him with the county's blessing because the house lacks a sprinkler system. Those systems stat around $10,000 in new construction. An existing house would be more.


What an amazing offer! I’m unsure what to do with that, but, perhaps I can use it as a bargaining chip.

I have had much anxiety in my life over the last couple of years. It has aged me.

I have a lot of concerns about Jeremiah's future. It is a complex situation without easy answers and much work to do no matter which path is taken. He who stands outside of time, who sees my life as the tiniest of paisley forms woven into the fractal fabric of the universe... He knows. That powerful eye falls on me.

My anxiety is a difficult thing to set down... but I know... this powerful entity of purity I cannot fathom loves me.

It will be OK.

Those smiles.

This weekend I felt a strange thing. My face’s skin had a weird sensation.

My face was relaxed and I was smiling.

I’ve noticed a lot more grey in my beard. I’ve noticed a wrinkle deepen between my eyebrows and down from the corner of my mouth.

The muscles around those little creases took a couple of days off this weekend. I spent the weekend smiling an easy, relaxed smile.

There was a man I spent an hour or so talking to. I can’t explain the conversation... But we were close. We recognized each others as a couple of strangers, a couple of guys, who happen to be brothers, who have the same Father. We found each other and suddenly talked truth.

I saw his reactions to the same terrifying presence I felt.

I really like that camp.

I'm still smiling.