Friday, August 29, 2008

I Sense Something

I'm looking forward to going to church on Sunday.

I'm looking forward to community, and friends, and prayer, and most especially, worship. Oh yeah... the sermon might be enlightening too.

The people there are my family. They pray for me. They have brought food, and listening ears, and good advice. One of them came to my classroom this morning and wiped down computers and counters and such. My classroom is ready for students (but my lessons aren't).

There is a room there where I can lock the doors and be alone, be quiet. The Prayer Room.

There are a lot of nice things about that place. There's a coffee bar that mixes whatever coffee drink you'd like. For free.

There's a food pantry which serves dozens of families twice a month.

The new sanctuary is clean and lovely. To the right the window frames form a cross. Behind the stage the molding in the wall forms another. And on the left is a cross made of the charred laminated beams from the former sanctuary.

There are all these things there which make it a good place.

My greatest pleasure there is the flip floppy thing that happens to my heart during worship.

I have wondered why Brenda has had so much trouble believing God does not mean her harm.

I have no idea why she does not sense the God I do.

I suspect there is a difference between folks, a range of sensing.

Sort of like vision. Snakes "see" infrared, far outside the range of humans. It is part of the same elctromagnetic spectrum we see, just a little further to one side.

I happen to be able to see just a smidgen further into the other direction than most people, the ultraviolet. (Something I discovered while using a spectrometer in a physics class.)

I guess I'm a little strange.

But then, if you have been reading my ramblings for any length of time, you already know that.

I think there is something about the way I sense myself that makes it easier for me to sense God.

When I worship I shut my eyes. Always.

There is a part of me that watches. It watches how I think, how I feel, what stages of maturity and cognition I am operating under. And, the watching part of me senses something somewhere inside, deep inside, that responds to God.

When I worship, when I turn my thoughts to God, there is something that moves deep inside. It sort of flips around. It sort of shakes itself and ripples through my thoughts, through my emotions. It sometimes happens when I am nature, when I see great beauty. It sometimes happens when I listen to Bach. When I think about magnetars, and quarks, and the Himalayas. It almost always happens when I shut my eyes on Sundays and worship.

I think that means something. I think that means that when I worship I am operating on a level different than my mind, my emotions. I think that means I am sensing the reality of God.

I wish Brenda could feel that.

But... she is no longer someone I am to worry about, someone to watch over.

She and I haven't spoken since the other night, when I turned and walked away from the sight of her standing beside him in his doorway.

That sounded a little pained, didn't it?

Well, I suppose it was. Of course it hurts a little.

But there is relief in knowing the end of this relationship has come.

I wish she knew how to sense God. It may have saved our marriage, but more importantly, it may have saved her. Oh, I don't mean salvation in the Christian sense. I believe that once in His hand thing.

It might have saved her from the questions which have cost her serenity.

I don't know why I feel this thing in my chest, this moving thing that slips around like a fish in dimensions beside these four. But I know it isn't my imagination. It isn't a part of my mind or my emotions.

I think it is like the light thing. Just as I can see a few more of the absorbtion gaps in a spectrometer than most folks, I can sense the Lord God through the sense of my own spirit as well as my soul.

It's the part that dances when I worship on Sundays.

I'm looking forward to going to church.


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Personal note: I got a full night's sleep last night. Huge difference! Isaac and I had a good day today. We waded around the Molalla River panning for gold.

Changed some automatic withdrawals from our joint checking to my personal account and closed the joint account.

The locks have been changed.

I got a little of the primer on the house exterior today. Few more days at that and I can start on the final coat.

Anyway... I'm doing a bit better.


11 comments:

Curious Servant said...

As usual I was sitting beside him on his bed. What was different was that he had his hand on my shoulder...

"Heavenly Father, please bless my dad. Help him to finish raising my brother and I. Give him wisdom so he makes good choices in taking care of us. Help him to have a good night's sleep. And... I can't think of anything else... In Jesus' name, Amen."

At the suggestion of a friend I asked Isaac to pray over me tonight. he wanted to go first. And then I prayed for him.

Pretty cool.

We had a good day today.

Unknown said...

Nothing cooler!

Baby steps my friend. One....day....at.....a.....time.

You're well on your way to a fresh coat. Think of it as your art in the prayer room; it was beautiful, meaningful and glorious. Now that it has been obscured by a thick coat (which cannot be undone), it is time to begin again.

Curious Servant said...

I like that.

I pray onto the walls of that room, and cover it with paint. The prayers are still there, invisible, but I know them intimately and see them still.

My home has been scraped... the peeling old paint removed... and I'm putting down the primer, covering up the scrapes... getting ready for the color coat again.

Great metaphor my friend.

Love ya.

--Will

HennHouse said...

Just want you to know that even though I don't comment much, I'm still here and praying for you. I'll especially be praying on Sunday.
-Karin (at the HennHouse)

Aphra said...

I am glad you are feeling a bit better. Cool about Isaac praying for you.

What colour are you going to paint?

Curious Servant said...

Thanks for the prayers.

Same color... an off white with yellow trim.

Curious Servant said...

Today is Brenda's birthday.

It is also Willy's.

Jeremiah is away until tomorrow evening.

I guess the present I will give Brenda for her birthday is I won't send her a text message asking about progress on the divorce papers.

Aphra said...

Hope you do ok with the day...

Lucy Stern said...

Will, there is nothing better than hearing your children praying....Such a sweet and geniune prayer from your son. I see a lot of strength on his part.
It sounds to me like the boys are ready to start a new life too.

Keep going to that prayer room and let the Lord work wonders in your life. You deserve to be happy and have joy. Work to get past all of the sorrow and follow a new path with the Lord by your side all the way.

Just as both of your boys have there own differences, needs and joys, you and Brenda are different. She has chosen to not let the Lord in. She will lead a difficult life. You have chosen to let the Lord into your life and ask him for guidence. If you continue to do that he will bless you. You are so blessed that the boys are there to help you, that they pray for you and that they love you. I wonder how many parents can say that. We can't choose what will happen in our life, we can't choose our struggles. The Lord knows what we need and he gives it to us through our lifes "happenings". We make choices and we can make our life better or we can make it worse by those choices. Other than that, life is like a box of chocolates, we don't know what will happen......Make the best of it; it is the only "earthly" life that you will have.

I'm praying for you and the boys, even for Brenda. If Brenda keeps stalling on filing the devorice papers, then you might have to take the reigns and do it yourself.

Good Luck and Stay Strong!

Erin said...

Wow... I cried when I read Isaac's prayer. Never doubt the great job you've done as a father...

Vicki said...

What a sweet prayer by Isaac...

Glad to hear you're doing a bit better, looking forward to church, etc.,- and hanging in there. You're a good father, Will. I'm still praying for all of you.