It was after midnight and a flashlight was shining in my face, waking me.
I was glad.
"That you Jeremiah?"
"Yeah. You OK Daddy?"
"I'm fine. Isaac are you awake?"
"Yes."
"Everything OK?"
"Yeah. You were making loud, weird noises."
"I know. I'm OK. I was just having a bad dream. You guys sound scared. Are you scared?"
Both: "Yeah, a little."
"It's OK now boys. Are you dry? Do you need anything?"
"I'm OK."
"I'm OK, too."
"Good. Don't worry about me. I'm fine. I just had a bad dream and now it's over. Go back to sleep."
"OK."
"OK."
In my dream I was asleep, and Brenda was nearby. In my dream I was asleep dreaming.
In my sleep I was dreaming I was having a nightmare.
In my dream was my wife, beside my sleeping form, and within that sleeping form I was having a nightmare, and my wife was there as well.
Brenda had the head of an elephant and she was poking me with her tusks while I slept. In the dream within the dream I knew I was dreaming, and that I was being tormented by my wife who was outside my dream and inside my nightmare.
Her eight inch tusks were poking me, holding me down. Her trunk was touching my face, my cheeks, my nose, my forehead; her tusks were pressing against my chest, pressing me down, poking me in the sides, in the neck, pressing against my head.
I knew I was dreaming, I knew I had to wake up.
I shouted. I yelled. I hollered. But I was deep asleep, deep within a nightmare, and though I was yelling all that rose from my nightmare to the level of my dream was a roaring gurgling sound that wasn't enough to wake me up.
I felt tightness in my throat as my vocal chords tried to obey. I struggled to inhale enough air to shout loud enough to wake myself... But my wife's tusks pressed against my chest, I couldn't inhale.
And in that damp tent, at the foot of Mount Hood, surrounded by campers from my church, my frightened children woke me from my internal torment.
I'm getting a divorce.
I took the boys over to Brenda's mom's apartment last night. Brenda is staying there.
I was all business. Dropped the boys off. Got in the van, was pulling away when she ran up, stopped me.
She said she was taking the boys to the park to listen to the free concert, Hawaiian music this week.
"Sounds good," I said. I left.
I could see the realization in her face that I wasn't going to talk about us, about our problems or their solutions. I was moving on.
I went to the Al Anon meeting, the place where folks talk about how to deal with the alcoholics in their lives, how to move on.
I had a doctor's appointment today. One year ago I weighed 230 pounds. Today I weigh 194.
I went for a walk Saturday night, just before midnight, in the woods of the Cascade Mountain Range. The stars were bright between spires of trees.
A bright light was passing overhead with the steadiness of something in orbit. I briefly wondered if it was the International Space Station, but I realized it was headed north, it was in a polar orbit.
I'm near latitude 45, so that means it would be passing over the north pole in less than 15 minutes.
Such a satellite can observe every location on the earth in 12 hours.
We are being watched.
And, despite my uneasiness regarding military and spy satellites, I found the thought comforting.
I feel deeper eyes are watching. Kind eyes. Loving eyes.
This past year has really sucked. It has been so painful, so dreadful.
I have hurt with wounds that were not allowed to heal. Wounds reopened every few months.
And now, today, I feel as if the wound has finally been fully opened, and it is being washed. It hurts. It really hurts.
But it will get patched up, scarred over, it will heal.
Loving eyes are looking deep and helping me heal.
I'm sitting up, there is a light in my eyes. The nightmare is ending.
18 comments:
I salute you friend.!!!
Always right behind you.
SS
Congrats on the weight loss.
Here'e hoping the next year will be much better than the last one.
That is a very interesting picture of oppression. I checked the dream dictionary for elephant and it said:
Elephants in dreams may represent knowledge, power, and strength. They are also associated with long memory and "thick skin." However, depending on the dream’s details, the elephant may be a symbol of a large burden. Additionally, in the dream you may be making efforts to remember something important and of great magnitude.
'long memory' can be a downfall if it means unforgiveness of past faults.
What would you say would be your 'optimal' weight?
I will be away this week, but will be praying that you will feel freedom from the burden.
Loving eyes are looking deep and helping me heal.
I'm sitting up, there is a light in my eyes. The nightmare is ending.''
yes, i think it is. You've come a long way Will.
God bless you!!!!!
Thanks folks.
Optimum weight?
I just went to a body mass index counter and I didn't get the number under 25 until I put in 175, which I haven't weighed since high school.
I haven't weighed 194 since I was 25. Hmmm... about when I met Brenda.
I did try to lose some weight last winter, but haven't given it much thought in a long time.
About the dream... not sure what it all means... but here are the feelings, impressions I got from it:
Tusks: Danger coming from the mouth. HARD...
Trunk: Tender touches, almost maddening in the light of the on going torment.
The rest of her was Brenda, and even though she had an elephant's head, it still felt like it was her, not an elephant or a person with an elephant head.
Folks tell me, and from what I have read, most people do not remember dreams. For me dreams are as easily remembered as anything in my waking life.
Which probably isn't saying much!
Love you all!
God bless you, Will!
God bless you, Will!
I'm like you with the dreams :)
Sounds like all the stress has kept you from eating....
Aren't you glad that the boys were there to "rescue" you?
Good luck.
wow, if i lost 36 pounds, i'd be shouting from the hilltops! i went to the doctor's yesterday and found out i had lost 13 pounds since last year and received the wry comment, "it's a good start."
hrmph. what*ever.
so you are moving forward, healing. you are attending alanon meetings, which you know will garner "attaboys" from me. are you practicing good self-care, self-nurturing? getting plenty of rest (other than the nightmarish nights) and eating a balanced diet? the eating thing only you can answer, but i have seen pics of your garden -- the bounty cannot be far off.
i loved this post, will. if it is ok to say so, i am really proud of you.
love, peace, blessings,
penni
May the peace and mercy of God be with you.
In the Desert of the Real...ah, hell. You know by now. :)
I'm proud of you for moving on. You sound a lot more determined than you did a few weeks ago, and that is good. I think you sound more determined because now, as painful as the decision was, you can see the new path open in front of you, and you've been given the command again, the one you've tried to obey your whole life:
"This is the way, walk ye in it."
And....
"Follow Me."
When next you visit my camp, tell me more about your journey.
Just got back from walking Rocky at Molalla River State Park (MRSP). Brenda called just before we left. Asked to come along.
I said "OK."
She apologized for how hard she has made the last year with me.
I accepted the apology, but made it clear that it isn't changing anything.
She may have her wedding ring on again, but I don't.
Good for you Will. Co-dependent no more. No more game playing.
I think i noticed your spine has brown several inches - maybe that's why you look skinnier ....
I am vith you brother
May God keep you strong. Regarding the elephant, I think of "the elephant in the room"--the truth that everyone knows but no one will acknowledge. Appropriately, it's a term used to talk about addiction and denial, among other things.
Dear CS,
I am sorry for the four of you.
Would you be angry if I say I feel most sorry for Brenda. She has played it all wrong and landed flat on her chest.
I now you and the boys will find a way, first and foremost because you have placed yourselves in the hands of God.
I know you're hurting like h...,
but you have passed rock bottom and are on your way out of this mess.
Brenda, poor woman, hasn't even began to understand what she has lost.
It is so sad, really.
Be glad your dreams are tough, they just mirror what you have been going through, and help you stay sane.
You too have got of postwar syndromes to work through.
God bless you. God bless the four of you.
From Felisol
Felisol...
I think that was a very nice thing to write.
I feel the same way about Brenda, also.
She is trying to be nice to me, trying to see if we can work it out, but she still doesn't get it.
We went to the library and there was an event in the park, National Night Out, with police, fire, other community organizations, free hamburgers and ice cream...
At any rate, she left a message on the phone while we were out, offering to help in any way she could.
I'm not going to bother returning the call.
She isn't going to AA meetings, she isn't seeking God, she isn't doing anything except feeling guilty and responsible for a huge mess, which is a step almost in the right direction.
But she thinks it's about her actions, and my getting fed up. She doesn't see it's about integrity, faith, loving and caring.
I know that by saying she is at her mom's if I want to contact her is her way of letting me know that she isn't seeing that other man. It is subtle manipulation, trying to prove to me she can be faithful even while I am saying she is free.
She still hasn't heard what I have said to her, written to her... the only way we could get back together would be through a miracle. It isn't impossible, but it is highly unlikely. And the miracle would be a complete transformation of herself, giving herself over to God.
In trying to fix things, she is actually saying that she thinks she can control things.
You are right. She still has not hit bottom, doesn't know what she has given away, and thebiggest sorrow is that she is further from true joy than ever.
Hey, I'm not saying this is all OK with me. That in moving on I am feeling cool about it all.
I hurt.
I have lived with her in my life for over half of my life. 28 years out of 52.
I miss her.
I love her.
But, she isn't to be trusted, and she isn't what I want in a wife.
I wish that wasn't so.
Also... I am having a lot of trouble keeping up with things.
Repaired the tent from camping (still need to finish packing it), washed the van inside and out, took the van in for electrical work (problem not solved and I have an appt. to take it somewhere else next week), house needs cleaning (Isaac did floors, but the bathrooms need thorough scrubbing), fed the boys, worked in the garden, did the dishes, bills coming in, learning to adjust my budget... I could go on and on. There are a zillion details I am trying to do, learn, discover, and my boys need me like never before.
So, though I love her, though I miss her, though I am working my tail off and trying to figure all this out (school shopping is coming up!), I do not want to put myself through what has happened this past year.
I believe God wanted me to be kind, forgiving, loving... but I clearly feel that He now wants me to do something different, and Brenda will need to find her own way.
Whew.
I guess I needed to release a little internal pressure!
Later!
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