Thursday, July 31, 2008

"You Don't Need a Counselor..."




I'm taking care of myself. I went for an early walk at Molalla River State Park to pray.

I drank plenty of water. Limited myself to one cup of coffee. I ate though I had no appetite.

We had a marriage counseling session at 10:00.

Brenda called early, asked if she could come over, do some laundry, walk the dog.

I knew the boundaries thing would be part of the discussion in our one hour session, so I didn't bother trying to put her off. We will talk about it later.

I went out to the yard, worked on removing the grass for the walkway I wanted to put in this afternoon.



I showered when she was done. She drove.

"Can I do the rest of my laundry after we're done with the session?"

I didn't say anything.

"What's the matter? You make me feel like I'm not welcome in my own home. Like you don't want me to even come by, that I'm intruding."

I had to answer... "I thought we'd probably discuss that sort of thing during the session. Let's wait until after we are done there before talking about what happens next."

Oh heck... I'm too tired to write this properly... Let me jump right through the whole thing.

The session lasted only a half hour. I explained that all I want is a wife who loves me and I can trust. She talked about how she has been wronged.

The counselor finally suggested we don't need a counselor, we need a lawyer.

We agreed.

The ride home was like sharing a closet with a porcupine-badger hybrid.

She was furious.

Talked about how she wanted to protect me from the financial consequences of a divorce.

"You still don't get it!" I said.

"You keep talking about money, or how you feel guilty about how hard I am working, or how you feel that you aren't needed because we are doing OK. I don't give a shit about any of that.

"When you left the last time I accepted it. I accepted that I would take over. That I would be paying all the bills. That I would be feeding the boys, washing clothes, doing the shopping, housecleaning, making and taking the boys to appointments. I don't want you for the things you have done, can do. I accept that I will do that.

"The only thing I wanted from you was a lifetime mate, someone to love me, and someone I can trust."

She took the blank papers to fill out for the divorce. I told her we will figure out what are our debts, and go refinance the house so she can get what she needs, what is fair.

She left, angry.

And she called back later. Apologized. Understood that this is for real. I am serious.

I told her I love her, that I wish the best for her. That I wish I could see a way for us to find each other, for me to trust her again, but that would take a miracle. She would have to really give up, let God take her, remake her.

We both choked up a little, looking at the smoldering ruins of our marriage.

I went and distracted myself helping a friend with a few chores.

Came home. Distracted myself with working on that walkway with my sons.



A friend from the church came over to pick my brain over ideas on how to create a space at our church that helps kids celebrate God's creation.

Afterward my kids and I did a little last minute shopping for the camping trip we are going on tomorrow (back Sunday afternoon).

OK...

I'm getting a divorce.

I love the beauty of the world, I enjoy the blessings of God, I walk beside my Lord, and I am bleeding inside because a cherished dream has turned to dust.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love the beauty of the world, I enjoy the blessings of God, I walk beside my Lord, and I am bleeding inside because a cherish dream has turned to dust.


No words Will - hope you can feel the love, concern and respect from me and I know from this group.
We'll walk beside you!
And pray beside you!

I'm sorry for all of this for your household!

Lucy Stern said...

Will, remember what I said: "The worst thing that happens to you can be the best thing for you, if you don't let it get the best of you."

I think that the Lord has other plans for you and the boys....Have a good weekend ..revel in God's creations and just let go. Do your best to enjoy yourself.

We are thinking about you, be strong.

Anonymous said...

will, i read through your thoughts here. i understand how you feel. your frustrations... your pain... and a lot more other emotions you've got inside you. one thing i do know, God is your refuge. He can change brenda's heart. you're right, it would probably need a miracle to heal your marriage. but God is still in the miracle business. let's just leave everyhing to God. it doesn't mean we're giving up but we're just unloading it to God and holding on to our hope. hope in Him and Him alone. people fail us but won't. prayer can do a lot in our situation. let's not give up on that. i'm praying for you.

Curious Servant said...

Just got this a text message from Brenda:

"Hi I miss you guys. I know you have every right to insist on the things you have. I am so sorry I hav hurt you so much. You have given memore chances than I deserved. I guess I have found it too difficult to live with what I have done and the only way I could feel better about myself was to keep running off to the one person who made me feel that I was justified. I haven't wanted to really look at the wrong I have done and accept responsibility for my actions. I don't want to be a bad person and somehow remembering the hurts I have suffered in the past allowed me to feel justified. Remembering all the years I had tried to make you feel special and wanting so badly to feel special myself, yet knowing in my heart that I was not created a lot of anger. I love U."

......................

Kind of late.

I don't think there is any turning back now. Perhapsa small chance, but not likely.

A friend emailed this to me this morning (I hope she doesn't mind my pasting it here):

Will, I realize that friends and people who care are not the same as the love of your life, but I also believe that there is still hope for you and Brenda. I have known others who have divorced and then remarried and lived happily. Ken has a brother whose wife divorced him, and after a time apart she wanted him back. He had been heartbroken when she left, and gladly remarried her. Now they are grandparents five times over, and they are ever so happy.

A divorce might be exactly what is needed to cause Brenda to "hit bottom" and then realize the prize (you) she has lost. Please don't give up hope, and especially please don't go into a tailspin yourself. I am committed to praying for you and your family (including Brenda). If it is God's will for you and Brenda to live happily together, it will happen.

One thing concerns me, and that is your home and any other assets you have. If you split everything now, and then did get back together again at a later time, whatever is given to Brenda now could be wasted. I only mention this as something to think and pray about.

Hang in there, Will. My heart is breaking, too.

......................


Well... I've been busy today already. 6:00 a.m. prayer slot at church... walked dog at MRSP, painted the fence along where the new walk is going, framed in the last of the wood going around the last part we need to install of the pavers.

Now it is time to turn my attention to packing for the camping trip and get the boys fed.

I also have to figure out the Sunday Service... though I have the music picked out already.

Love you all.

--Will (as opposed to won't)

Bad Alice said...

Sigh. I swear it's devlish the way it suddenly seems as she has a breakthrough or a realization in these sorts of situations. Don't run after it, don't entertain it, may God defend you from illusion and protect you in all you do.

Anonymous said...

good words "bad alice"

Anonymous said...

these issues and wounds go deep. from your writings and reading about your sessions, it is pecking at the surface for both of you.

much healing and prayers.

here for you

Anonymous said...

in the desert of the real i sit.
i am sorry.

Aphra said...

I do hope her seeming 'enlightenment' is true and there can be changes. Over years together we develop baggage and ways of doing things that aren't necessarily healthy, but aren't that easy to undo even if we have the 'want to'

Amrita said...

You have to get going Will.

Brenda will one day realize she has chopped off the branch she was sitting on.

Your walkway looks very nice. Good you are indulging in out door activities.

Anonymous said...

Brenda will one day realize she has chopped off the branch she was sitting on.

good analogy aphra....
For us who know B and have for years and have walked through life with her personal demons this is over the top sad, sad, sad. In spite of what she has done she is a very wounded beautiful person. I know she doesn't want to be this way but has chosen this way all by herself. No excuses, no justifying her behavior - just so sad. Yes, she has chopped off her own branch and it grieves me/us.

Will, I want to see you get on to a healthier life even without B. Needs to be done for you and for the boys sake.

B can't be forced to change by anyone else but herself and God AND lots of time.

just sad!

Lucy Stern said...

Nothing I can say right now but have a good weekend with the boys...You need to let your brain/mind rest for a few days and just enjoy nature....Stay strong.

Unknown said...

Latter Anon....AMEN!

Love!!

J.

Fred said...

You tried. That's all any of us can do.

God has a plan for you. He's here to help us with our broken lives.

Trust Him. I know you do, but it's so hard at times.

Curious Servant said...

Thank you... all of you. I have been thinking abot you, your prayers, your comments, your advice.

We got back from the church camp out, I got the last of the pavers at Lowe's, and finished the little walkway.

Now I'm going to shower and go to the Sunday night Al Anon meeting.

I might post later this evening.

it was good for the boys, though it rained Friday and we all got pretty wet setting up the tent and camp.

Marvin said...

Congratulations, Will. You are doing the right thing for yourself and for your children. You have fought the good fight. Now you are not retreating, you are simply advancing in another direction. And those divorce papers are merely a bandage with which to stanch the bleeding. You will heal, and you will live to fight again, and you will be stronger for it. ;-)

I am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Will, as you know, i've been on holiday and only returned today so it is with sadness that i read about the devastating developments in your marriage and family life since I was last here.

I hope i'm not treading on toes here, but i would like to respond to somehting you shared in the combox from one of your friends...about divorcees getting back together.

Frankly, I find that very dangerous thinking.

How on earth can you 'move on' if a divorce absolute is actually just a divorce 'maybe'?

If you are going to stand a chance of moving forward on your journey through life with your children, you can't have your kids, or yourself believe that the divorce may merely be a hard hitting 'wake up call' for Brenda.

If it's bad enough for you both to be filing divorce papers because you have given all you've got to give and more, then in fairness to your kids if not to yourself and Brenda, please think long and hard before filing those divorce papers if it's not going to be 'divorce absolute'.

I know that isn't what you are probably even thinking and that you only shared a hope-filled comment from a friend...

All i can think right now is, is it God's will for your life and the lives of Brenda and the kids, to continue like this?

I'm just rambling, it's half past midnight and i have to go to bed now, but i just wanted to stop by before i retire for the night.

God Bless you Bro'

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you! I almost forgot to say that and it was the very first thought i had when i read your blog post!