"You Don't Need a Counselor..."

I'm taking care of myself. I went for an early walk at Molalla River State Park to pray.

I drank plenty of water. Limited myself to one cup of coffee. I ate though I had no appetite.

We had a marriage counseling session at 10:00.

Brenda called early, asked if she could come over, do some laundry, walk the dog.

I knew the boundaries thing would be part of the discussion in our one hour session, so I didn't bother trying to put her off. We will talk about it later.

I went out to the yard, worked on removing the grass for the walkway I wanted to put in this afternoon.


I showered when she was done. She drove.

"Can I do the rest of my laundry after we're done with the session?"

I didn't say anything.

"What's the matter? You make me feel like I'm not welcome in my own home. Like you don't want me to even come by, that I'm intruding."

I had to answer... "I thought we'd probably discuss that sort of thing during the session. Let's wait until after we are done there before talking about what happens next."

Oh heck... I'm too tired to write this properly... Let me jump right through the whole thing.

The session lasted only a half hour. I explained that all I want is a wife who loves me and I can trust. She talked about how she has been wronged.

The counselor finally suggested we don't need a counselor, we need a lawyer.

We agreed.

The ride home was like sharing a closet with a porcupine-badger hybrid.

She was furious.

Talked about how she wanted to protect me from the financial consequences of a divorce.

"You still don't get it!" I said.

"You keep talking about money, or how you feel guilty about how hard I am working, or how you feel that you aren't needed because we are doing OK. I don't give a shit about any of that.

"When you left the last time I accepted it. I accepted that I would take over. That I would be paying all the bills. That I would be feeding the boys, washing clothes, doing the shopping, housecleaning, making and taking the boys to appointments. I don't want you for the things you have done, can do. I accept that I will do that.

"The only thing I wanted from you was a lifetime mate, someone to love me, and someone I can trust."

She took the blank papers to fill out for the divorce. I told her we will figure out what are our debts, and go refinance the house so she can get what she needs, what is fair.

She left, angry.

And she called back later. Apologized. Understood that this is for real. I am serious.

I told her I love her, that I wish the best for her. That I wish I could see a way for us to find each other, for me to trust her again, but that would take a miracle. She would have to really give up, let God take her, remake her.

We both choked up a little, looking at the smoldering ruins of our marriage.

I went and distracted myself helping a friend with a few chores.

Came home. Distracted myself with working on that walkway with my sons.


A friend from the church came over to pick my brain over ideas on how to create a space at our church that helps kids celebrate God's creation.

Afterward my kids and I did a little last minute shopping for the camping trip we are going on tomorrow (back Sunday afternoon).

OK...

I'm getting a divorce.

I love the beauty of the world, I enjoy the blessings of God, I walk beside my Lord, and I am bleeding inside because a cherished dream has turned to dust.