About Me
- Curious Servant
- I have adopted two boys from Haiti. Both are mentally handicapped. One is is now 20, the other 18. I divorced my wife of 28 years a few years ago and have just remarried, a woman from Belize. I find beauty in many things... many, many things (nature, art, people, space...) and that helps me to survive my deep empathy for so many who suffer. I like to write, and I've written quite a bit on my blogs. I have been thinking about writing a book. Unsure if it should be about the things I have experienced, or fiction (I have an interesting plot line worked out). I'm pretty open about things. I like blended whiskey, but I never have more than two drinks... usually just one, and not often at that. I have had many adventures. Makes me a little different. (Odd?)
13 comments:
praying for you!
Man... what an awful night... for some reason a dreamt I rented the house for a wedding. They redecorated everything... as a circus.
The bride, huge dress laid over the while living room, while they took photos...
Farting half clown/half parrots (three of them) doing announcements over loud speakers. Meanwhile huge waves roll up the hill and wash everything around. Teenagers had redecorated the backyard... it looked like something between a wedding and a kids prank (they had TPeed the trees), to a homemade Halloween fun house. Someone had taken the food and utensils and stuck them in the toilet... Broken glass everywhere.
Yeah... I know... pretty clear symbology.
Dang. I hate that my dreams are so vivid.
Yeah... It has been building up. Walking on eggshell around here. I'd gotten a drink of water from a water bottle on here nightstand in the middle of the night. Didn't put the cap on right. When she used it it fell, splashed her feet. She cussed, turned on the lights, made a lot of noise about how difficult it was to clean up...
"If you are going to get a drink of water, would you please put the cap on tight or not at all?!)
I laid there without speaking. Her tone was that authoritative controlling voice.
She went off to sleep in the living room.
Net morning, I tried to talk rationally, ask her not to talk to me that way. She flipped out. Screaming at me, yelling. I wrote her notes, trying to calm her. She crumpled them up, threw them on the ground. Texted her four times... trying to soothe. Telling her I want us to communicate... that I love her... That I was still planning on going out tonight.
She came home with a bottle of wine.
I spoke softly, but firmly about my disappointment... that I have bee supportive of her AA for 3 months, putting off the counseling she promised we would get.
I poured the wine down the drain.
Things really got ad then.
She made a big show of packing as much as she could, giving me final instruction on details of running a house.
I took Isaac for a long drive to give her time to leave. (Jeremiah is is pending the night at a friends).
Came back.
She was still here.
Took her another hour.
Things became calm... straightforward.
I tried... I really, really tried.
She is ill. and I cannot heal her.
Asa she left, she told me:
"You'll find someone else."
I frowned a little.
"You may not think you will, but you might. You are a good man. Some women like a good man.
"We drifted apart years ago. We just aren't interested in the same things anymore. It was both of our faults.
"And I was wrong. I sought what was missing outside our marriage."
She came over to me. Gave me a peck on the cheek.
"Good luck."
She left.
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We were going to a wedding this afternoon. I can't handle it. I can't sit there and listen to those vows and clap and congratulate.
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It is early. I went to bed late. I got up because I thought I heard voices in the house.
I'm going to crawl back into bed.
Praying for you and your family today.
In the Desert of the Real, I sit, silent.
My soul screams for you.
I don't understand all of this, really I don't. I get parts of it, but it's so unwieldy and broken.
Oh, God, heal.
please.
praying for you
Had a lot of dreams last night. Mostly bad... things out of control, threats to family.
Thank you for your prayers.
I will need to explain all this to my son, Jeremiah, when he comes home from his friend's this afternoon.
What a mess.
I think I was supposed to do what I did this past year. I don't know why. I know God wanted me to, but now it is over. Perhaps this past year will be something she needs when she looks back at it from some future date.
It's been tough, but I think I needed to do all that. Being obedient isn't always easy or fun or what seems like the right thing or logical.
But, there it is. I went out and walked and prayed for quite a while this morning. No directions, no sense of what is next, except just doing what needs to be done. It's a time of waiting and healing and working to finish raising these boys.
--Will
Where has she gone Will?
I am so sorry.
All that anger.She needs help.
I don't know where she went.
She told me she can take care of herself.
It's just us now.
Jeremiah spent the night with a friend. I'll have to explain it to him when he gets home this afternoon.
Her mother called. I didn't tell her. I just said Brenda won't be able to make it to church wih us tomorrow and that I will pick her up instead.
I want to keep her in the boys' lives.
DAMNNNNN
I am not surprised, but it saddens me. You held on and did more than most of us would have had the energy for.
I (we) ARE HERE, AND i HOPE THAT HELPS A LITTLE.
ss
Just wrote this to a friend... but you are all my friends, so I'll share this with all of you:
Brenda called a little while ago, asked to come over.
She said she was sorry... quite a few times.
I didn't let her off the hook.
She almost sounded like she was fishing for me to offer her to come back or something. I didn't give that to her.
I did give her the letter I wrote a month ago "What I'd Like to Say." She read it. Said I was right. That she is sick. That sometimes she feels such rage and she can't control it.
http://csexplores.blogspot.com/2008/06/what-id-like-to-say.html
She had told Isaac, and me, yesterday that she wasn't going to stick around long enough to see us cry, she didn't want it.
I told her just now that she as no right to say that to anybody, to tell them to stuff their feelings just to make herself feel better.
She agreed.
The last time she said she was sorry, she said she knew that it didn't mean much because she hasn't really changed.
I told her that I have tried to do the right thing, even when it cost me.
She said that sometimes doing the right thing doesn't pay off.
I told her that the last year has been really hard for me. That it was the worst year of my teaching. that it cost me a great deal emotionally, physically... I told her that it was not for my benefit. That I did the past year because I felt God told me to. I said that sometimes doing the right thing isn't for our benefit but for someone else's.
I said that I don't know why God had me do that year. But I thought that she needed help, that she was sick, that she needed to change... and that maybe what I have done for her will come back to her someday and she will be able to heal.
Sheesh...
Almost wrote a post here.
--Your bro... Will
hey sweetie - i am here, my heart aches for you all. it is such a sad, destructive disease and while the program is simple, it is by no means easy.
continuing in alanon will help you come to terms with an awful lot and if there is an alateen in your area, you may want to check into it for the boys.
praying, praying.
:: sighing ::
She is so pretty!...Love Terry
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