A Conversation Yesterday Afternoon

"I don't see how you could ever take me back."

"I don't either. You have really screwed up. You have burned a lot of bridges.

"You have betrayed me time and again.

"The only thing working in your favor is that I love you and I vowed to love you in sickness and in health, and you are sick."

Her eyes teared up.

"I don't know what to do," she said.

"Yeah... you feel torn... all that. Listen, I know you think he is a good guy and all, but that's bullshit."

I tore into it.

Mockingly: "Whatever you want... I will always be here for you. Call me if you ever need anything. I'm not going to push you."

"Bullshit! He was interested in sex. Yeah you are too. And maybe I haven't given you everything you want there, but you really haven't tried with me... not for a very long time.

"He was interested in sex. And he's an asshole."

She looked shocked. I never, never, swear.

"He has no integrity. If he had he would have insisted you make a choice. Me or him. But no... he let things roll along. He may not have pushed in ways you recognize, but he didn't tell you to choose. He didn't tell you to stop calling him.

"He was making love to a woman with a wedding ring on her finger! He didn't care. Instead, he was fucking another man's wife! I'm a pretty gentle guy... But kicking his ass but would be a great release for me. I see a lot of good in the world, along with the bad. And he is a bad man. He has no moral backbone.

"And I have been without a spine too. I have catered to you, let you get away with too much.

"And this is bullshit.

"I don't know how we could fix this. I don't know what we can do to heal this marriage.

"I know this. You would have to change.

"You would have to stop looking around you for happiness.

"The world is a hurtful, sad, awful place. But you don't have it nearly as bad as you think. Think about the children in Africa, orphaned because their mothers have died of AIDS. Think the many children there who have AIDS. Think how that continent is filled with people who really have some things to really be unhappy about. There are children who have had their arms lopped off because of the wars there. Children who have been forced to kill their parents. The entire world is groaning under the most awful things.

"And you are unhappy because Willy died?!

"You are unhappy because God gave us two children who are handicapped?

"You are unhappy because your husband hasn't paid as much attention to you as he should have?!

"Lot's of people have handicapped children. Many people I know have kids who are autistic, have cerebreal palsy.

"The world hurts. And God isn't doing it to them. Or to you. The world is all screwed up because human beings screw it up. And He is doing His best to alleviate the damage, to make good come from it.

"You think your life has been hard?

"I've been through the same stuff with you. I hurt too. And I see suffering, I see hurt, I see how horrible the world is.

"But I also see how wonderful it is. How beautiful it is. Look at that sky! Look at how many shades of blue there are between the horizon and way up there! It is so amazing!

"Look at how that cloud is shaped. I'm not sure I've ever seen a cloud moved into that "S" shape before. There must be a peculiar twisting of wind up there to do that. Really cool.

"Look at that tree over there. See how the ivy is growing way up there, choking its bark, yet look how strong and healthy and beautiful it is. Look at how many different sorts of green are in it!

"I don't know what you need to get better. But you are sick and I would love to help you get well, whether or not you are my wife.

"You think happiness is about what happens to you. About circumstances. It isn't. As long as you think the things that happen around you dictate whether or not you are happy, you will always be unhappy because things will never be exactly as we want.

"I'm terribly unhappy right now. You have robbed me of some precious dreams I have had for my life.

"But I rejoice in this world. I love this world. It is full of beauty. Nature, God, even people are beautiful, if you look past how much they hurt and hurt others.

"Suck it up. Life is less than a hundred years long. And that is nothing. I know eternity is real. What we learn here are the things which shape us into unique beings, creatures who will bring something unique to eternity because we have gone through this bizarre world of pain and beauty.

"I don't know how we could find our way back to each other now. You have really screwed up. But I'm not saying it is impossible. But I can tell you this. You can't start by staying with him.

"You need to change. Really change. I'm talking about a miracle.

"And it is possible.

"I'm not sure what would be the next step for you. Start by talking to people you trust in our church. Talk to Rxxxxx. Talk to Cxxxxx. Talk to Cxxxxxxx. Get your head on straight. Start by seeing God as someone who isn't vindictive but truly loves you despite how screwed up you are."

It went on like that for a while. Then I gave her a hug, peck on the top of her head. She hugged back, kissed my cheek.

She will be here in a few minutes. We are going to take the boys to the psychologist this morning to continue their IQ and personality evaluations so we can document their needs.

Later.