"...Do Not Be Anxious..."

The Lord tells me not to be anxious.

Anxiety is a destructive emotion.

Its seed is planted in my heart by my mind to protect me. It has its place.

When circumstances put us in potential danger, our minds pull the clues together, and if there isn’t enough evidence for us to flee, anxiety settles in the heart to make us vigilant. The strange sound in the night, the sense of something watching, these are the reasons we are blessed with the emotion anxiety.

But, like an acrophobe
who continues treading the steel beams of a skyscraper under construction,
we should be careful about making anxiety a part of our lives.

It is not healthy to choose to place ourselves where our mind forever whispers about danger, makes our hears tremble, letting hypervigilence prevent us from rest (I've had trouble sleeping again), from joy.

I married Brenda.

I chose her.

She had (has) a controlling nature and I was (am) easy going.

She worries about what may go wrong, I hope for the best.

Each perspective has advantages, disadvantages.

I floated along in the early years of our marriage, certain things would work out. I didn’t worry about money, work, the future.

I didn’t think about her anxieties, and how her drive to get the bills paid, to work out the details of running a home, a life, even the happiness our bed should provide, that these worries of hers were evidence of her need to control a chaos-filled universe.

I married her.

I was used to not worrying about details. Just a couple summers before I met her I hitchhiked 30,000 miles with less than $10 in my pocket.

I ate. Not regularly, but I was happy foraging for food along highways and in forests.

I slept in my tent, under bridges, in the woods, under stars, and along streams. Though I was often uncomfortable, I was at peace. I felt joy. Fatigue and hunger was only a thrumming bass beat to the melody I heard in blue skies, misty waterfalls, towering mountains.

I had a nagging feeling I was being immature, that the prayers and joys I found in wanderlust should give way to building a home.

Now the years have passed.

My beard has more salt than pepper in it.

I have a steady job, a career, one that makes me a pillar in my community. My love for my church gives me a spiritual family. My adopted children, who may never come close to achieving what I dreamt for them, bring me great, great joy.

I chose her for my wife.

I chose these boys for my sons.

I chose this job, this church, this faith.

I chose this town, this house. I chose to plant my garden too early this year (the seeds rotted in the ground), and I chose to take my wife back after she betrayed me once again. My choices.

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Brenda is struggling with step 3 of her AA program. She doesn’t trust God.

I get that.

Her life before me, her life with me, has reinforced for her the need to take control. And those things which are beyond her control... she expects God to control in ways she would wish.

I have no need for step three. I trust God.

Even when things hurt, when my grieving heart beats a staccato rhythm of anxiety, I trust God.

When I was ready to let her go, just as I was ready to cast her aside, she asked me, begged me, to take her back.

It is summer. It is a time when teachers are free to do things other than their avocation.

Work the garden.

Care for the kids.

Fix meals, clean house, yard work.

She has a new job, goes off to work each day and I do laundry, dishes, ,meals, vacuuming.

I’m happy with that.

But...

I’m anxious.

I’m suspicious of her motives.

I’m suspicious of her small kindnesses.

We generally say and do kind things to each other.

We avoid the thorny topics.

Sometimes the tension of not talking about the elephant (we agreed to put off counseling until she finished her 90 AA meetings in 90 days, and goes to part time at work) in the room creeps into mundane discussions.

“Where is the flashlight I said I wanted to stay in that drawer?” she asks.

“Did you recycle the newspapers before I could get at the coupons?!”

“I don’t like it when you use that pan for the Hamburger Helper...”

I feel irritated over the small criticisms. I rankle at the little things because I want to shout about the big things.

“How could you spread your legs for another man?!!”

“How could you lie and deceive me about our future while you are taking a sledge hammer to the foundation of our lives?!!”

“How can you rail against the unfairness of the world and ignore the blessings, be blind to beauty, fail to smile at hummingbirds and flowing rivers and the speckled shifting shadows under the verdant Oregon canopies over our heads?!”

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When I worship I tremble over a simple question:

“How would I behave if God Almighty, maker of galactic superclusters,
constructor of the all important trinity of atoms we know as water,
the creator of this particular body, mind, and soul, how would I behave if He were standing in front of me?

I know how I would behave.

I would tremble.

I would try to control my bladder.

I would kick off my shoes and throw myself down, bury my face in the dirt, stretch out my arms in worship and adoration of The One who has poured blessings over me from before I took breath.

I am anxious.

My mind whispers cautions to trouble my heart.

But...

The situation is of my choosing.

I married her.

I chose for her to return.

I adopted these boys.

All the events in my life, though touched upon by events beyond me, are still, mostly, of my choosing.

So...

I accept the responsibility of my choices.

I trust in God.

In pondering my choices and my faith, a simple prayer comes to me:

“Lord God almighty... I love You. Help me Lord to trust You enough to let my anxieties drift away. These are not worries of a predator in the predawn night, but anxieties over not accepting the choices I have made. I have tried to choose as I believe You have directed me. Let that be enough for my heart. Let my mind be aware, be attentive, but let my heart be at peace. All I ask from You right now, just today, this moment, is for You to be the center. If you are with me, who can be against me? Grant me peace and acceptance Lord. --Amen.”