Boundaries

I don't understand her.

Obviously.

She moved out, I accepted it. She stayed with him only a few days. I told her she couldn't move back.

She asked to keep some clothes here as there was no room at her mom's and they were getting ruined in her car. Not having an immediate reason to say "No", I agreed, to find she was already in town, ready to unload.

Since then I have told her clearly she cannot come back, she needs to find another option.

Tantrums, anger, resentful resignation... But still, there seems too many ways for her to find a reason to be here.

We had to go over bills, her money is directly deposited in our account, I had just gotten my monthly pay. It was useful, having her explain the automatic withdrawals, the bills that haven't come in yet... The boys walked around with grins on their faces.

We have an appointment for the boys Wednesday morning... psych testing in preparation of Jeremiah's ability to receive disability, Isaac's school courses for his senior year.

We have another counseling appointment Thursday morning, marriage counselor.

And every step of the way, through all this, I have been seeking to make clear the boundaries I wish for our home.

And she wedges the crack open each time.

After the bills she wanted to talk. Somewhere private.

"OK."

She suggested my favorite restaurant in town.

She misses running with the dog, he constantly moans and whines for her. She called to ask if she could take him for a run this morning.

"OK."

Isaac was just coming down for the morning, she started fixing him his favorite breakfast while I was setting up the sprinkler in the yard.

I know, I know...

This is crazy.

She moved out. She made a choice. I have made it clear she cannot come back until I trust her and see us living the rest of our lives as true partners, truly married. (I can't see it now.)

She is operating out of guilt and a sense of responsibility. She has begun working on getting back in only after I have made it clear I don't wish it.

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I have been writing a little at a time on this post all day, and have had to take many breaks to do various tasks... I'm hoping to finish right now... but this is a heads up in case the flow seems odd.

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I've been thinking about us, and the boys, and the marriage counselor's appointment on Thursday, and the comments and emails, and my faith, and the whole snarled mess twisting around in my heart.

When Brenda had the accident that totaled her car, she said it was a wake up call. That she knew she wanted to be my wife. That she had really screwed things up and wanted to fix it.

She begged me.

I said yes, with the usual caveat that this was the last time.

But it wasn't. And I felt her slipping away just weeks into her return. That was when my tired heart began to accept the end of our marriage.

When she packed her stuff in a rage and moved back to John, I was calm, accepting of the situation. I told her I loved her, wished her well.

It didn't last long, and she has been trying to slowly work her way back. She has accused me of being mean, of making things hard for her, for a lot of things. She has made threats about taking the equity out of the house, hoping the fear of higher mortgage payments might soften me enough for me to just drop the whole mess.

But, I have been quietly suggesting she find an apartment, or some other solution, gently dissuading her from helping me in this home, with the boys.

The ties of counseling sessions for the boys and us are somewhat legitimate reasons for us to work together.

But...

With this last move of hers I have finally given up on my dream of having a lifelong mate. It is a hard dream to shake... but, the tatters of that dream are drifting away.

She still doesn't get it.

She appeals to my sense of fairness. She appeals to me in terms of possessions, money, our children.

She doesn't see what my needs are, though I have said them clearly, even written them out.

I want a partner. I want a mate. I want someone to share my life with. I want someone I trust.

She does not fit such descriptions.

I'll go to counseling... because I believe it is fair, honorable, loving. But I have trouble imagining anything will come of it because, she isn't changing.

She isn't seeking to change how she deals with the world, with me. She still blames her unhappiness on everything but herself.

She isn't seeking to change her relationship with God. She still blames Him for evils of the world which spring from free will.

She isn't even seeking to stop drinking, believing that this crisis in her life gives her adequate excuse to cut herself a little slack.

My kids are pushing for me to relent. My wife is pushing for me to relent. Many friends are pushing for me to remain strong, tough love stuff. Many friends are encouraging me to continue to pray, to seek the Lord's direction.

I really haven't much in me anymore that makes life simple, clear.

Except...

I cannot allow this pendulum relationship to continue to hurt my children.

I cannot allow this horology to move my family through crisis after crisis.

I cannot allow this see-saw of my heart, my self esteem, to continue.

Oddly enough, this determination makes it easier for me in the large view of things if not the short term. I feel I can be patient with her, go to counseling, speak with her. The tougher part is the small things, the moments when she wants to help, needs a little something.

I am rehearsing in my mind the things I want to say at the counselor's. My need for stability, for love, for faithfulness, for trust. My need for stepping off this merry go round.

And, my willingness to be available for a miracle. For helping her find her way to God. I would love to see her completely surrender her will to God.

But though I am willing to see it, even pray for it, I find it unrealistic to expect it.

Here's the thing. I want to be a good man. I really want to do what is right. I want to please God. I want to be obedient and true. I am willing to do some very hard things if I believe my Lord is asking it of me.

She doesn't.

That needs to change. I am firm in this resolve.

Heavenly Father, I lift all I have, all I am, up to You, offer it up to You. I am Your servant. Tell me what You wish me to do, and I will obey. Even when the offering hurts, such as when I gave You Willy, and You took him, I am willing to obey. I offer You my home. Guide me as I work with these boys. Guide me as I manage this house. Guide me as I deal with Brenda. Thank you for the blessings You have continually poured over me. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for the advice and encouragement and prayers of so many who obviously love me for reasons I don't quite get. Help me to remain steady and true and obedient and strong. Help me to guard my home, to set healthy boundaries with my wife and with my life. All I have is Yours. Amen.

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Random shift just to lighten things up:

Question in an email from a friend:

What's your favourite thing to grow in your garden?

My answer:

I love to grow corn because it is so visible and tastes so good fresh (I sometimes it eat raw, right there in the garden).

I love to grow the sunflowers because most years (not this one) they reach 10 feet tall and are so beautiful.

I love to grow strawberries because of all the things in my garden, they are the sweetest, most flavorful things the garden produces... and this year, the plants have finally matured enough to produce abundantly and all the red is pretty. It bothers me that the world is missing out on Oregon strawberries. California produces large, beautiful berries with no flavor, and so many people buy them up because of their appearance, most folks don't know what they should taste like. Oregon farmers can't seem to compete. BUY OREGON STRAWBERRIES!

I love to grow tomatoes and lettuce because they are so useful, going straight into the kitchen on such a regular a basis.

So... not much of an answer.

Hard to choose one thing.

I guess corn.

Whew! That was such a change of topic. So refreshing!