Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Boundaries

I don't understand her.

Obviously.

She moved out, I accepted it. She stayed with him only a few days. I told her she couldn't move back.

She asked to keep some clothes here as there was no room at her mom's and they were getting ruined in her car. Not having an immediate reason to say "No", I agreed, to find she was already in town, ready to unload.

Since then I have told her clearly she cannot come back, she needs to find another option.

Tantrums, anger, resentful resignation... But still, there seems too many ways for her to find a reason to be here.

We had to go over bills, her money is directly deposited in our account, I had just gotten my monthly pay. It was useful, having her explain the automatic withdrawals, the bills that haven't come in yet... The boys walked around with grins on their faces.

We have an appointment for the boys Wednesday morning... psych testing in preparation of Jeremiah's ability to receive disability, Isaac's school courses for his senior year.

We have another counseling appointment Thursday morning, marriage counselor.

And every step of the way, through all this, I have been seeking to make clear the boundaries I wish for our home.

And she wedges the crack open each time.

After the bills she wanted to talk. Somewhere private.

"OK."

She suggested my favorite restaurant in town.

She misses running with the dog, he constantly moans and whines for her. She called to ask if she could take him for a run this morning.

"OK."

Isaac was just coming down for the morning, she started fixing him his favorite breakfast while I was setting up the sprinkler in the yard.

I know, I know...

This is crazy.

She moved out. She made a choice. I have made it clear she cannot come back until I trust her and see us living the rest of our lives as true partners, truly married. (I can't see it now.)

She is operating out of guilt and a sense of responsibility. She has begun working on getting back in only after I have made it clear I don't wish it.

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I have been writing a little at a time on this post all day, and have had to take many breaks to do various tasks... I'm hoping to finish right now... but this is a heads up in case the flow seems odd.

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I've been thinking about us, and the boys, and the marriage counselor's appointment on Thursday, and the comments and emails, and my faith, and the whole snarled mess twisting around in my heart.

When Brenda had the accident that totaled her car, she said it was a wake up call. That she knew she wanted to be my wife. That she had really screwed things up and wanted to fix it.

She begged me.

I said yes, with the usual caveat that this was the last time.

But it wasn't. And I felt her slipping away just weeks into her return. That was when my tired heart began to accept the end of our marriage.

When she packed her stuff in a rage and moved back to John, I was calm, accepting of the situation. I told her I loved her, wished her well.

It didn't last long, and she has been trying to slowly work her way back. She has accused me of being mean, of making things hard for her, for a lot of things. She has made threats about taking the equity out of the house, hoping the fear of higher mortgage payments might soften me enough for me to just drop the whole mess.

But, I have been quietly suggesting she find an apartment, or some other solution, gently dissuading her from helping me in this home, with the boys.

The ties of counseling sessions for the boys and us are somewhat legitimate reasons for us to work together.

But...

With this last move of hers I have finally given up on my dream of having a lifelong mate. It is a hard dream to shake... but, the tatters of that dream are drifting away.

She still doesn't get it.

She appeals to my sense of fairness. She appeals to me in terms of possessions, money, our children.

She doesn't see what my needs are, though I have said them clearly, even written them out.

I want a partner. I want a mate. I want someone to share my life with. I want someone I trust.

She does not fit such descriptions.

I'll go to counseling... because I believe it is fair, honorable, loving. But I have trouble imagining anything will come of it because, she isn't changing.

She isn't seeking to change how she deals with the world, with me. She still blames her unhappiness on everything but herself.

She isn't seeking to change her relationship with God. She still blames Him for evils of the world which spring from free will.

She isn't even seeking to stop drinking, believing that this crisis in her life gives her adequate excuse to cut herself a little slack.

My kids are pushing for me to relent. My wife is pushing for me to relent. Many friends are pushing for me to remain strong, tough love stuff. Many friends are encouraging me to continue to pray, to seek the Lord's direction.

I really haven't much in me anymore that makes life simple, clear.

Except...

I cannot allow this pendulum relationship to continue to hurt my children.

I cannot allow this horology to move my family through crisis after crisis.

I cannot allow this see-saw of my heart, my self esteem, to continue.

Oddly enough, this determination makes it easier for me in the large view of things if not the short term. I feel I can be patient with her, go to counseling, speak with her. The tougher part is the small things, the moments when she wants to help, needs a little something.

I am rehearsing in my mind the things I want to say at the counselor's. My need for stability, for love, for faithfulness, for trust. My need for stepping off this merry go round.

And, my willingness to be available for a miracle. For helping her find her way to God. I would love to see her completely surrender her will to God.

But though I am willing to see it, even pray for it, I find it unrealistic to expect it.

Here's the thing. I want to be a good man. I really want to do what is right. I want to please God. I want to be obedient and true. I am willing to do some very hard things if I believe my Lord is asking it of me.

She doesn't.

That needs to change. I am firm in this resolve.

Heavenly Father, I lift all I have, all I am, up to You, offer it up to You. I am Your servant. Tell me what You wish me to do, and I will obey. Even when the offering hurts, such as when I gave You Willy, and You took him, I am willing to obey. I offer You my home. Guide me as I work with these boys. Guide me as I manage this house. Guide me as I deal with Brenda. Thank you for the blessings You have continually poured over me. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for the advice and encouragement and prayers of so many who obviously love me for reasons I don't quite get. Help me to remain steady and true and obedient and strong. Help me to guard my home, to set healthy boundaries with my wife and with my life. All I have is Yours. Amen.



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Random shift just to lighten things up:

Question in an email from a friend:

What's your favourite thing to grow in your garden?

My answer:

I love to grow corn because it is so visible and tastes so good fresh (I sometimes it eat raw, right there in the garden).

I love to grow the sunflowers because most years (not this one) they reach 10 feet tall and are so beautiful.

I love to grow strawberries because of all the things in my garden, they are the sweetest, most flavorful things the garden produces... and this year, the plants have finally matured enough to produce abundantly and all the red is pretty. It bothers me that the world is missing out on Oregon strawberries. California produces large, beautiful berries with no flavor, and so many people buy them up because of their appearance, most folks don't know what they should taste like. Oregon farmers can't seem to compete. BUY OREGON STRAWBERRIES!

I love to grow tomatoes and lettuce because they are so useful, going straight into the kitchen on such a regular a basis.

So... not much of an answer.

Hard to choose one thing.

I guess corn.

Whew! That was such a change of topic. So refreshing!



12 comments:

Erin said...

Amen and amen and amen.

Marvin said...

You will succeed. This I know. Hold your ground, deny her requests, get a lawyer, excise her from your life. God will give you the strength. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Will, you'll soon be over the edge. STOP.
This is all destructive.

Marvin is correct!

Lucy Stern said...

The question here is "How many times are you willing to let her stomp on your heart, the hearts of the boys"? If she doesn't show signs of changing, then how long will you let her keep control of you? She knows how to push you buttons and you continue to let her.

When she wants to talk about the bills, go to the IHOP or the library and sit down in a place where you can do it quietly....Don't let her back into the house if you can manage it. If she wants to see the boys, let her take them to visit grandma or to the park.....Just don't let her in the house.

See how things go at the counseling....It should be clear from the sessions how she really feels. If you get a chance, take the boys camping for a few days before school starts. All of you need the time away and it will give Brenda time to think things out. If she still talks only about money, bills, the boys and doesn't talk about trying to love you, then it should be pretty clear how she feels.

Keep praying to your Heavenly Father to give you the strength to hold your ground....Pray for the will of the Father....Pray for his guidence and care over you all. Can you live with a wife who doesn't honor her Heavenly Father? God has a better life for you but you have to be willing to let him give it to you. Deep down you already know what you have to do, but you keep fighting it.

Glad you have made it thru another day.....We are praying for you....Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

Whoa.. how can any of you be so sure what's right for Will --or for Brenda? They are both people, no matter how one or the other has acted, and I hope the counselor upholds the dignity of both of them, or there won't be anything to salvage, let alone a marriage to help save. I don't know how much the boys depend upon Brenda's involvement; it might help if she knew.. but anyway, I'm just going to pray the Lord to lead you both to where you both can be your holiest selves.

(Carol)

KAN said...

I just love it when I am on the "right page".

Let's talk gardening...

Gee, Will, how is the garden doing? Have you made any pies lately? I really thought the pictures of you making the pies were almost worthy of going into some backyard garden book.

When I was little, my grandfather had a huge patch of his garden totally devoted to raising strawberries - Just for ME!!! I love them to this day. I haven't noticed what state my strawberries come from. I have never had much success at growing them myself, though. Tried...

Paul and I do really well with vegetables - mainly tomatoes, beans and peppers. Some squash, but it is not a family favorite.

Later.

Dig in the outside dirt, Will. It proves much more beneficial to your body, soul and spirit then the "wallering-kind" of dirt...

Curious Servant said...

OK... I'll chime in now.

I love all of you.

It is clear that I am not the wisest man around, and I need the advice of loving friends. Doesn't mean I will follow it, but it sure is good to get it!

It helps me get a perspective on things. But, as I think I made clear in this post... I am really just interested in doing what God would have me do. And it seems to me that this mess with Brenda is not what He would have me do anymore. So, I am drawing those lines, preparing my heart for the end of this marriage, but willing to be open to a miracle.

But, enough of that. What made me pop my head up again was Kan's comment about gardening!!!!

Sunshine, fresh air, and sweat is the best medicine for me lately.

My garden isn't really very large, but I enjoy it very much.

I'm not the best gardener, but I try. I made several mistakes this year, and I learned some new things.

I found that I really should put the melons somewhere else so they don't get the same amount of water as the rest of the plants. I leaned that my cucumbers need more light. I learned how to prune tomato plants so they REALLY produce! This is the third year for the strawberries and that means they are just now "hitting their stride" in terms of abundant, quality berries.

The yellow crook neck squash is so tender, so tasty, that Isaac has decided he likes squash after all.

I learned to be more aware of the soil temperature when I seed. Usually the end of April is a good time to plant, but this year was an exception. I'll be more careful in the future.

I am sorry I didn't buy the praying mantis egg cases this year. The insects have hit the beans and spinach hard and that wouldn't have happened had I my army of predatory bugs in there doing battle.

Soon I will have more tomatoes, lettuce, and spinach than we can eat.

I would like to build a little green house on the north side of the garden so I can get a jump start on things... but probably won't be able to afford that.

I wish I could post a strawberry from my garden here so all of you could sample it. We are just barely able to keep up on them and we are putting them on everything! ice cream, cereal, smoothies, and just plain gobbling them up while watching movies.

We are going on our church campout this weekend.

I am going to try to put together a Sunday service for us.

I know many of you are concerned about me... my choices, if I will stick up for myself, if I am open to the Lord healing our marriage, if all sorts of things.

I am concerned also.

But I trust God. And I will speak plainly at the counselor's. Brenda will know that I am serious about this. That we need a divorce... unless there is a miracle in both our hearts that heals us. Not probable, but He could do it if it is His will.

Last night I got 7 hours sleep!!! Wow! It's been months since I got that much!

My van is freaking out. The bearings on one wheel are shot. The shocks are gone. It needed an alignment. A tail light is out. There is a coolant leak somewhere. The air conditioner quit.

I can do without the air. The coolant leak is elusive so we'll just keep an eye on it, and the rest is going on a credit card.

Oh well. If I had money I'd only spend it!

It ain't no hill for a climber!

Love all of you!

Lucy Stern said...

I have eaten strawberries from Oregan....We usually do a frozen berry order from that area every year. I usually buy blackberries and blueberries, but this year we are not doing the order. The price is just too high and gas prices have driven the transportation costs to the moon.

This year I bought strawberries at the grocery store when they were on sale for 99 cents a lb. and I IQF (Individually quick frozen) them. I have them in my freezer and I use them for ice cream or smoothies. Yummmm.

Our tomatoes are over with now, the heat has ended their growing season. I would like to plant a fall garden this year, so we will see what happens.

If you are interested in a book on preserving foods, I would suggest "So Easy to Preserve" put out by the university of Georgia. Here is the webpage, if you would like to check it out: http://www.uga.edu/setp This book is 375 pages, with recipes for canning, freezing and drying. You might like to preserve some of the food in your garden for later....

Enjoy your weekend trip with the boys.

Anonymous said...

Will

my thoughts and prayers go out to you. It is almost like a form of insanity--the same thing over and over again.

you are in my prayers and so are your boys and Brenda.

HennHouse said...

Praying...

Read Ezekiel 3:20-21 this morning as I was searching for a reason to not confront my sister about her affair. And I thought of you. And your desire to do what God wants. I wish the scripture said what would happen if they don't listen.

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Now suppose faithful people start sinning, and I decide to put stumbling blocks in their paths to make them fall. They deserve to die because of their sins. So if you refuse to warn them, I will forget about the times they were faithful, and I will hold you responsible for their death. But if you do warn them, and they listen to you and stop sinning, I will let them live. And you will be innocent.

Anonymous said...

Will, your garden applications are very applicable to our lives. I love your description.
I also appreciated your comments about taking advice/ counsel in but letting God lead you.
Also, that you are very well aware of what this is all doing to you and the kids. I can say this because even if we have been hard on B we still care deeply for her, her heart and her life. Very deeply.
A lot of prayers for your family!

Unknown said...

Anon hit a home run.

Love you bro.

J.