Moral Inventory

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
--Step 4, Al Anon 12 Steps

I've been going to Al Anon meetings for about a year. It's an organization that helps the flip side of relationships with an alcoholic. Helps us to cope with the alcoholic. Understand the alcoholic, and the disease. Understand the habits and behaviors common in those who live with alcoholics.

"Al Anon" sounds a lot like Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.). It isn't and I really don't know why it is called Al Anon.

At any rate... who am I? What are my weaknesses? What are my strengths? How did my marriage get to where it is (failed).

According to Al Anon I should do a moral inventory, the good and the bad, discover my weaknesses, ask God to remove them.

I met Brenda a couple of months before my 25th birthday. I was immature.

I had been easy going, sliding through life, not really thinking about the future.

I hitchhiked around quite a bit, living mostly off of weeds and such I found along highways, guided by a book on edible plants.

When I came back from a trip a couple of weeks after meeting her, I found she had moved in.

She was, is, a take charge kind of gal.

She found the tickets I had stuffed in a drawer, and got them paid. She organized the bills, and saw that they were paid as well.

I resisted a little at first, but she was so nervous about things when I was handling the checkbook I finally let her do it all.

She was good at it.

I was immature.

I gave away my responsibility. Those were my mistakes which sowed the weeds which eventually choked our marriage.

So... who am I now?

I am intelligent. Not especially so in terms of problem solving, or, especially, in reading people. But I am intensely curious about things, all sorts of things. So I constantly gather bits of information and I string it together.

I am creative. Art. Writing. Teaching.

I am emotional. Perhaps more than is seemly in a guy. It makes me empathetic. I am affected when reading about suffering, injustice, cruelty. I am moved by music, art, movies, literature. The upside of that is that I appreciate beauty... in space, nature, people. The downside is I feel sorrow easily.

I am easy going.

And there it is.

A defect of character can be a strength gone wrong.

Easy going can easily slide into being a doormat.

I have avoided conflict.

I have avoided conflict to the point of appeasing her.

I have avoided conflict and let her, and others, step over boundaries I should maintain.

I have avoided conflict because I didn't want to do the harder work of sticking up for myself.

I see now that much of the mess of my marriage was from my own weakness.

I still feel robbed.

I believed that a marriage should be forever. That I wanted to live a life with only one true love. That I wanted to grow old with one person, walk through life with one person.

That is gone.

And I feel robbed.

I had a big part in letting that happen, but I feel robbed.

I am 52. Most of my life is behind me now. I will not die with the history I thought I would have. So I feel robbed.

Hmmmmm... So much for easy going.

OK... back to the moral inventory...

I am spiritual. I think about faith and God and eternity and my soul, and I wrestle with how those things play out in my life and in what I learn of the world.

I am a bit lazy. I would rather read or write or draw than sweat. I let Brenda sometimes do what I should have done (bills, taxes, etc.).

I have a low libido. I am more interested in companionship than sex (though I want that also, just not as often as others seem to). That also was a source of the problems in our marriage. Our culture makes it pretty clear I'm not normal in that respect.

I am honest. I may be uncomfortable with it, but if asked directly, I will almost always answer any question. Sometimes I say more than I should. (Like now?)

I love my sons. I wanted children of my "own." It wasn't in the works (she is barren), but I adopted three. One died. The other two have disabilities. And I love them all fiercely.

I am metacognitive. I watch how my mind works and I am forever assessing why I think the way I do and why. I evaluate what is knowledge, what I surmise, what is faith, what is emotion. I don't always balance it very well, but I am aware of it.

I love easily. I have friends I love. I have music I love. My faith is guided more by love than fear. I seek justice for others because I care.

I am not always as nice as I pretend to be. My heart races when I think of the other man. I've had thoughts about going over there, kicking in his door, and beating the crap out of him. I couldn't do that to her, but somehow it seems not so impossible to think about doing it to him.

She once told me he smoked pot. I've thought about sending postcards to his work, his neighbor, the Molalla P.D. saying he does.

Now, these are momentary flashes of fantasy... when my heart starts pounding...

I would not act on them.

But, I'm not the saint some folks think I am.

Yeah, I'm basically a pretty gentle person. But this past year has been such a strain.

And I'm upset. I'm ticked. I'M PISSED OFF!

But... I love the Lord. I will do as He says, and I won't break the guy's nose.

I digress... (but I am aware of it!!! : ) I think sometimes it is healthy to rant a little... Everything in moderation, even moderation!)

I am not mechanical. Not very manly. My father expected more of me. When I have to work on a car or lawn mower or plumbing or water pump, I don't succeed because I am facile with it, but because I think really hard about it and don't mind if I have to do it more than once.

I am prideful. I relish the praise of others. (Especially her.)

I am awkward in public speaking. I do it occasionally. Folks say I am pretty good at it. But I am really just concentrating really hard, speaking really carefully, and forcing myself to be more than I really am. I'm pleased each time I succeed, mostly because it was a challenge.

I am steady. Not always an interesting thing. I keep at things I have set for myself to do.

Hmmmm. OK. I have run out of steam. I even cheated a little and pasted in a couple of things from emails I have written, and now I've run out of steam.

So... I guess I will call this a work in progress.

Anyone have any insights, good or bad, about who I am that I can add to my moral inventory?