Metacognition

Went to see Brenda last night. I'm not sure what I expected, so I went prepared. I wrote something for her to read:

---------------------

Brenda: I’m just not sure of your intentions. Much of that can, and should, wait until we see the counselor. But, though you have “left” John, I’m unsure if this means anything.

After your first affair you were very remorseful. So much so that we had a second marriage ceremony. We exchanged vows again. That seemed about as earnest as things could get.

This past year you have moved out three times. The last time you came back was after your accident. You called me first at the time of the accident. I came immediately to your aid.

You said you knew that the accident was a wake up call. That you had to change. You begged me to take you back. You said you’d sleep in the van. You said you would do whatever I said to make it work.

That lasted only a few weeks.

You then betrayed me again.

Now we are on the merry go round again.

You have moved out from John, but when it comes to my asking you what you want to do, you have only the vaguest answers:

“I moved in to my mom’s,” does not address how we are to move forward.

That is a lot to ask me to believe after the times you have broken your word, hurt me and our kids.

A change where you “let go and let God.” A change that makes us partners, not slaves to the past or each other.

If you are not willing to really make such changes, then it would be best if we call it quits. I can’t take any more of the yo yo stuff.

I deserve more than this.

---------------------

"Yeah. You're right. OK."

Over the next few hours (we walked around an REI tent sale, had dinner, sat in her motel room and talked) I didn't see what I was hoping to see.

A repentant Brenda. A woman who sees and owns her mistakes. A woman I could trust.

I have toyed with the idea of giving myself a little break. A couple of days to catch my breath somewhere. A short retreat.

I thought about having Brenda here to watch the boys, but I know it isn't a good idea.

She said she wants to want me. She wants to want to be my wife. What a tepid answer to all my questions!

She has been thinking that this is about the boys. This is about finishing the job of raising them.

"And what about after they are moved out? What about us then?" I asked.

"Well, hopefully we would have learned to love each other again and can stay married."

I had a soda with dinner last night I had never tried before (Brenda had a beer). Moxie. I like vintage sodas, Sarsparilla, root beer, Verner's Ginger Ale. This one has an aftertaste that is bitter and... odd. Like the conversation we were having last night.

She mentioned that she needed to do laundry. There was an uncomfortable pause.

"Well, I'm planning on doing laundry tomorrow, but you can come over and do yours too if you need. But you need to let me know when you are coming first."

Another uncomfortable pause.

After a while she said that there was a laundry place at her mom's apartments.

I didn't say anything.

After a while I said, "You're going to need an apartment. You can't stay forever on your mom's couch."

"An apartment!?! I thought I'd be moving back in a few weeks when the boys go back to school! How can I afford an apartment working part time?

"I feel like I am losing my home!"

"You aren't losing it. You threw it away.

"I've been telling you, if we are going to move forward together, I need to be convinced that I can trust you. That is up to you. You can't do that in just a few weeks. And truthfully, our conversation tonight hasn't shown me any signs of improvement. You are still blaming circumstances for your actions. Most of this we can talk about in counseling. But I'm not getting the sense that there has been any real change in you."

The conversation went on like that for a while.

She mentioned that half the house belongs to her. I think that was supposed to frighten me because of the financial burden refinancing would mean in order to give her her share. House payments would certainly go up, and things are already tight. I told her I have always been ready to do all of that.

She mentioned how I told her I felt robbed, and that she was doing this because I am asking her to.

"No, when I told you I felt robbed by what you have done, I wasn't asking you to come back so I could regain the help and love I need. I was telling you that to share how I feel, my emotions. That has nothing to do with the fact that I accept the responsibility of this house, these children, and that I am willing to move on."

She is bitter, like that soft drink, and she isn't showing that what I need is important to her besides the burden of work I am doing in caring for these boys. And that is more about her guilt than her wanting to help me.

She was lying on the bed, feeling sorry for herself. Saying she wished she was dead.

I finally had enough. Patted her shoulder, told her to take care of herself and get some sleep. She didn't reply.

I went to the door, stepped outside, turned...

"You should be thinking about the mess in your heart and how you need to grow. You should be hugging me, kissing me, telling me I am loved."

I shut the door. Went home.

I know I'm not dealing with all of this very well. I see how my heart and mind works.

I'm not convincing her of anything except perhaps that I am serious about working things out and about being firm if they don't.

I know other things about myself as well.

I know I am very tired. I am drained emotionally, physically, spiritually.

And I see how my mind is working. Metacognition.

I see I have been rolling back and forth through the first four stages of grief and have only just begun to tentatively take step five. I see I am motivated by reaching for Maslow's third level of needs. I see I am more driven by empathy for others than self preservation.

We have a counseling session on Tuesday. It is something I will do because it is the right thing. But, I don't have any faith that she will change.

Last night she says that I have changed in the last few years which adds to her guilt. That implies that she sees the problems stemming from causes outside herself.

She still doesn't get it.

I'll continue to be aware of who I am, and try to find my way through this. Mostly likely, without her.

Lord, give me strength, peace, and wisdom. I am in need of Your guidance. --Amen.