Odin's Day

After a day of working around the house, the boys and I watched a movie... and were scooping ice cream when she called.

"I was wondering if I could bring some of my clothes over and keep them there. They are getting ruined packed in the car."

My first impulse was to say "No," she doesn't live here, her stuff should be moving out, not in. But I couldn't think of a good reason to say it. Crammed into her car they wouldn't be any good to wear to her job at the bank, and her mom's small apartment wouldn't have any place for them.

"OK."

"Good. I'm already in town and I'll be there in a couple of minutes."

Already in town. Already driven a half hour to get here. Already assumed she would get what she wants.

She came, moved clothing from the trunk of her car to our closet while I sat in the wicker chair on the porch, eating a cup of ice cream covered with strawberries from our garden.


Trip after trip, calmly reversing the packing she had done a week ago in such fury.

When she was done she came out, said she was going to say "goodbye" to the boys, go back to the motel in Tualatin.

I nodded.

I walked her to her car.

"I went through the mail. Most of it was junk, so I threw it away."

Again, just taking over. Probably was junk.

"So, tell me, what's going on? What are your plans?"

"Well, I'm going to start staying at Mom's Saturday."

I waited.

"What do you want?"

"I want to know whether or not we are working on this marriage or moving on. Telling me that you're staying at your mom's isn't very informative. I want to have a clear idea of where my future is headed before I go back to work in a few weeks. Are we working things out, or are we getting a divorce?"

"Well, I only have two choices, stay at Mom's or," her voice lowered, "go back to John's."

I stood there, frowning a little.

"What?"

"That was a pretty tepid answer to my question."

"What do you want to hear?"

"The truth. Clearly. I don't want a limbo where you slowly regain what you have thrown away. I want to know that we are going to work on things or not. I need to know that you have really changed, and I'm not seeing that.

"This isn't like before. You can't just easily fix this.

"You have to convince me. I have to believe that there has been a real change. I'll give you the chance to show it, but this is really up to you to prove it, and it has to be soon. I am not going into another year at work with this kind of uncertainty in my home."

She was quiet. Hugged me... haltingly. Left.

I went in. Did dishes.

She called an hour later.

"The soonest I can go to a counselor with you is August the 13th."

Wednesdays are her usual day off, but there are appointments already throughout the day next Wednesday, and the week after that her boss has asked her to work to fill in for someone.

I asked, found a couple of other days of the week when she doesn't work in the morning so we aren't limited to just Wednesdays.

Wednesdays.

Woden's Day.

Wednesday is named after the Norse god Odin. He sacrificed an eye in a bargain to drink from the well of wisdom.

Wisdom is my constant prayer request.

My children miss their mother. When Isaac asks, I tell him plainly that I have grave doubts about whether or not we can work it out.

"What are the chances?" he asked last night. "What percentage would you give it?"

"I can't answer that. I think right now she would come back if I said she could. But I don't think it would last. I won't let her come back unless I believe it is forever, and tell you the truth, Honey... I just don't trust her. I won't let her come back unless I see that she has really changed, and she is a long ways from showing that she is even close to that change."

Tears formed in his eyes.

"I know this is hard. But it is the way it is. I'm working to figure it out, make our lives steady, something you can trust. And I would do a lot to make that happen. But most of what needs to happen is inside Mommy's heart, and there isn't much I can do about that. I cannot give you an idea of the chances because I cannot see what is going on inside her... if she is ready to give up on the way she has been seeing things, and comes to rely on God, and see Him as someone she can trust, someone Who loves her."

I'll see if I can arrange those counseling sessions, but I am skeptical they will do any good.

I do not see a changed Brenda. I do not see a Brenda who has grappled with her demons and turned her heart around, turned her heart over to God.

I see a Brenda who is operating out of a sense of guilt and shame. Perhaps a sense of responsibility, knowing she has dumped everything on me, the challenges in raising these boys.

I see a Brenda who still does not know herself.

I do not see someone I trust.

I see someone I love. Someone I swore to love in sickness and in health, and she is very ill inside.

But her illness may be more than I can handle. Her illness costs me too much.

The hard part is maintaining boundaries. She steps so deftly around and over them.

I still avoid confrontations with her.

So, I settle for letting my silence speak my unease, my concerns, my displeasure.

She knows me well enough to understand those silences.

I'll contact the counselor's office today. I will try to set up a regular set of sessions on Wednesdays. I'll seek to create a space where we can discuss what is going on without letting it degenerate into something destructive.

I seek wisdom from the source from which Solomon found it, not Odin.

The counselor I have in mind is a christian.

Let's see if she can work some wisdom into our lives on Odin's Days.