Thursday, July 24, 2008

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

I fell asleep last night without going to my sons and praying with them, talking with them, blessing them.

I was exhausted.

I awoke this morning feeling like I have the flu. No fever, but overly sensitive hearing, sense of touch, waves of nausea, and wanting to stay in bed.

But I got up, and I'm at the computer. My mind won't stop, won't rest.

Brenda is at a motel not too far from her work. She invited me to come see her, but I haven't. She needs time to think without my input.

And I'm thinking too.

OK... enough of a preamble. I am obviously avoiding what I sat down to write.

Though it is true that this mess is of Brenda and my choices, I keep thinking about him, John. I've had a recurring impulse to go see him.

I know where he works. I know where he lives.

I've shared this with some folks, and their advice ranges from "If it is true, if it is honest... do it." to "You go over there and I'll bust your chestnuts." In between are ones that suggest I pray about it, listen to my heart, listen for God's direction.

Last Sunday's post ended with a passage from scripture:

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord.

On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
--Romans 12:17-20

What I want to do is go tell him off. I want to tell him he is a weasel. That he continued a relationship with a married woman, and though he let her choose when to come and go he did not have the courage to force her to choose, to seek an exclusive relationship, and did not honor commitments she had made, honor the value of marriage. That as a man I see him unworthy.

I wanted him to see my face, know that there is a person here, someone who loves his family, and is being hurt by his choices.

I wanted him to know that my children are being hurt.

And... I secretly imagine the whole range of possible interactions with him from the above through breaking his nose.

It's the sort of thing my father taught me a real man would do (and I did once, 26 years ago).

I'm not fond of oft used phrases, but one keeps coming to mind this morning: "Where the rubber meets the road."

Do you know why rubber makes such a good material for tires?

It is a little sticky, and it comes apart.

When you drive down the road, molecules of rubber stick to the road and are ripped away from the rest of the rubber. You could think of it as your tires slowly unraveling. That is what a lot of that dust is around roads.

When tires are especially hot, or if they are being pushed across the road rather than rolling (skidding), particles are ripped away, not just molecules, leaving a smear of tiny bits of black on the pavement.

Those characteristics of rubber make them good at holding your car firmly to the road, but at the cost of continually spending itself.

I was looking at the tires on my van. I am going to need to replace them sooner than I want.

"Where the rubber meets the road."

That is the place where there is the cost of the tires. The place where the quality of the rubber demonstrates its effectiveness.

Did you notice the cost involved in the passage of scripture I just quoted?

If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Oh, come on!

I get along with just about everyone I meet. But if I have an adversary right now, besides the warring in my heart and the tensions between my wife and I, it is John.

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

OK... I get it. But I don't think I can do it. Could I go see that man and not only avoid breaking his nose, but demonstrate love to him?

Could I say or do something that would show him that I see he has a soul, is a tormented person like everyone else on this world, and that I wish him well?

I don't know I could.

I don't know I could be kind to him. To follow Christ.

If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.
--Luke 6:29

Could I do that?

I'm too tired to try.

I guess I'm saying that sometimes I feel my faith asks an awful lot of me... and I don't know if I could do it.

I appreciate that my faith is larger than me. If it was all wishy washy, asking nothing of me, then it would be no grander than my own heart, my own conscience.

I just don't know if I am as big hearted as I would like to be.

8 comments:

HennHouse said...

Again, I wish I had some really good advice to offer. Something that you could do. I'm praying for you. For the coals you are warming. And the good I know you will find the courage to return.

Just praying.

Amrita said...

Avoid John. Von 't do any good

Marvin said...

Some unasked-for thoughts. I have no particular answers or suggestions. But my thoughts, for what little they are worth:

We all seek to be greater than we are, and we punish ourselves for not achieving it as quickly as we would like. There is nothing wrong with you at all. The fact that you WANT to be more Christlike is extremely important, more important than the fact that you are not there yet.

Brenda made a choice. John did not kidnap her, hold her prisoner, force her to do what she did. Certainly he shares some blame, but ultimately, it was Brenda's choice. If anyone deserves your ire, it is she. Nevertheless. Ire is pointless. If she does not want to be with you, then you cannot force her to be. Could you have satisfied her needs, and kept her from leaving, had you done something different? Perhaps. But self-flagellation is also pointless. You must learn from what happened, and use that knowledge to improve yourself.

Be the best person you can be. Make the most of your situation, with your children, and keep moving forward into the future. If Brenda decides to join you in that future, that's her choice. If not, it is still her choice. And you need not wait for her to make it.

I am praying for you.

Aphra said...

Hmm, I came to leave a comment, but Marvin seems to have said what I was going to say, only much better:)

If it wasn't John it would likely have been someone else, sad to say.

It's easier to blame than to deal. Don't let your anger get in the way of your dealing and healing.

I was thinking about this same thing and praying for you this morning even before I read your post!

Unknown said...

We both know you are capable of breaking his nose. But I think we both know that while it would bring some satisfaction, it would be brief. You would feel remorse and guilt after. You have too good a heart, soul to feel anything else. Second, there could be legal repercussions. Your boys need you home and not in jail. Not to mention it would taint your career as a teacher, if even only in your mind. A big part of your teaching is through righteous example, both for your kids at home and at school. You would wrestle with moral contradictions and it would cause you hesitation in the conviction of your words to others where there should be none.

And yes, here it comes......my suggestion (or more accurately put; What I Think I Would Do).

I think I would need him to hear my words, as I feel you do. So, a letter maybe? No.
You also want him to see your face. But the personal visit may be too tempting to open the door to physicality. Besides, even if you maintained composure and he actually stood still to listen, I don't think he would truly hear everything you had to say. The words (and their impact) would get lost as he would probably be thinking, "he's gonna swing at me any minute now".
So, what I think I would do (as silly as it may sound) is make a (non-threatening) videotape. Say what you need to say. Mail it to him with no return address. Write, "play me" on the tape. Curiosity will take over. As men, we are forced to watch the tape when presented with it in this fashion;-)
This way, he will hear your words (with intended inflection) and see your face.
Worst-case scenario; you try to communicate your message to him and it has no effect. If this were the case, it would have no effect in person either, so this was the better way. Best case; you get through to him, he is impacted by your words, changes his life and maybe even results in you preventing him from wreaking havoc on someone else’s marriage. Who knows, maybe even save his life. The next husband may shoot him.

And that's all I have to say about that;-)

Love ya Will.

J.

Curious Servant said...

Well... I've kept pretty busy today. Long walk for the dog at Molalla River State Park. Put in a flower bed. Mowed lawns, washed the van. Edged the drive and washed down the porch and drive. Raked the weird little stringy things off the widow across the street's roof, cleaned her gutters, raked her yard, and hosed her walks and drive. Weeded the garden. No I'm ready to shower and slow down a bit.

Still feel a little weird, but not bad. Air, sweat, and sunshine are good medicines.

Nah... I'm not going to John's. I'm not quite big enough to fully do what that scriptural passage suggests.

The physical stuff is just testosteronal fantasy. I don't think I could really do that. Well... Justin is right, I really couldn't do it in terms of my job, the law, etc., blah, blah, blah.

Time for a shower.

Thanks all of you for your continued prayers. I truly appreciate them.

Anonymous said...

DO NOT GO TO JOHN'S.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Don't also be so available to every text and message Brenda leaves. She needs to heal herself away from you.
Do keep working in the yard - get physically exhausted. Bless you for helping your neighbor.
Do have some special treats for you and the boys - ie: ice cream, good funny movies, popcorn night......

Do listen to your wise friends : )
Love you Will!!!!!

Erin said...

This seems like a pretty good system... do 12-15 hours of yard work before making any major decisions. If only I lived closer... ;)

I think Anon is right about not being so available. You both need some time to heal.

Peace to you...