John

Caution: tough post. PG13 or worse. Fair warning. Not even sure I will really post it.

"For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

This is probably the most famous verse in the Bible.

It is the focus of videos, books, and countless sermons.

The verse has its own article on wikipedia.

It’s the one referenced in countless signs held up at sporting events, nailed to trees and fences, painted on barns.

I googled it, and I see it is on coffee cups, patches, T shirts, bumper stickers, all sorts of rather mundane merchandise.

This verse is probably the most quoted, most referenced verse of the Bible.

Rightly so. I can think of no other passage which so succinctly capsulizes our faith.

But this post isn’t about this important passage. In a previous post I mentioned the Gospel of John (the shirt Jesus is wearing is made by writing out the first chapters of that book.) This post is about “John.”

The Gospel of John differs from the other gospels in that its focus is on the person, the Christology, of Jesus. Through this account we see a more empathetic view of Christ, closer to the Jesus in the picture I am drawing on the prayer Room wall. We also see the author appearing in important roles, the one who asks Jesus who will betray Him, the disciple who stands witness through Crucifixion, the disciple Jesus asks to care for Mary, Christ’s mother. He is referred to as “the disciple Jesus loved.”

This “John” is considered by many to be the author of the two epistles of John (John I, and John II), and the book of Revelation.

I enjoy this gospel for its warm, affectionate, reverent, loving view of Jesus.

On the other hand, The Revelation of John is probably my least favorite book of the Bible. This attitude stems from my aversion of trying to scry the future (after my stint in a yogic ashram, I have felt no desire to look beyond the now).

So... The Gospel of John literally forms a great part of the artwork I am doing, the prayers which I write out in our Prayer Room, as I work through the anxieties of my heart.

(See previous post for more about this image.)

At the same time... “John” has another effect in my life.

Over a dozen years ago my wife had an affair with a man named John. He was an unwashed biker without a motorcycle and no permanent address. That affair lasted three months, and hurt me deeply. And I was angry. I sought to recognize my failings, my part in the condition of our marriage, and work to solve those issues.

I tracked him down at one point. Found him in Milwaukie, Oregon near the railroad tracks. He saw me coming. He ran. I caught up to him. Told him clearly to leave my family alone or he would regret it. He did.

I thought about him off and on over the next few years, hurting as I imagined my wife with him.

But I grew a little. I came to a place where I did not fantasize about driving him to the middle of Montana and leaving him far from my home.

I tried to forget that John.

This past summer my wife had another affair. His name is also John. I found notes he had written to my wife, notes she had kept. Details in those notes I wish I could erase from my mind. Notes which I scanned and have kept hidden deep in a corner of a computer’s file. The originals she took and burned the same day I found them, as soon as I returned them to her.

John.

He is a custodian. A man who does not see a wedding ring as a barrier to his desires. A man who avoided me those first few weeks when my suspicions began. When I called him and he said he didn’t know who she was, and sent her home as soon as she arrived at his place a few minutes later.

John is a man I have spoken to once after I had more than suspicions, to tell him to stay clear of my family, that I saw him as a threat to my family and I would do what I could to protect my home. He is a man who continued to secretly contact my wife through emails, text messages, and methods I am probably unaware of.

A man I believe who lacks integrity.

A man my wife has opened he body to, her heart to.

A man whose very existence stirs up the worst in me, goading me to action that is not what I do anymore. Though part of me screams to act, to do the sort of things my father would have done. The actions of a “real” man.

John.

A man who has, according to my wife, a smaller penis than I. (She knew how that would eat at me.)

A man I’ve never laid eyes on, but has affected me deeply, stirring emotions which have torn at my heart, my faith, even my health.

So many thoughts have raced through my mind over “John”.

I’ve thought how toilets are sometimes called a “john”.

I’ve thought how the customers of prostitutes are called “johns”.

I’ve thought about Johns I know who are good friends and I am ashamed how my heart picks up its beat even in thinking of them.

And I’ve thought of the disciple who is pictured so often, laying his head on Jesus’ shoulder, wrapping his arms around Jesus’ mother as she gazes at her dying son. The John who wrote that important verse in the Bible.

And it all gets stirred together. The uses of the word. The two men named John who have tempted my wife. The man who walked with my Lord and called Him friend.

What am I to do here?

This next step is particularly hard for me to write, to do...

Jesus has told me to love my enemies.

This man is my enemy. He has hurt me, my family.

He is also a man with a past that has brought him to a place where the actions he has taken, the actions which have hurt me, have seemed right to him.

Can I forgive him? Should I?

Seems a hard thing to do.

But Jesus forgave even those who whipped Him, drove nails into His body.

Is my sorrow so great? Can my anger, jealousy, rage not wither under the light cast by the forgiveness cruelly nailed to the cross?

Is the mourning I’m going through over my marriage stemming in part because my heart isn’t quite large enough to encompass this man?

I fantasize about going to his home (after I would discover it, a line I have not allowed myself to cross), and beating the crap out of him.

But... that is not what I am called to do. Nope. Far, very far, from it.

Shit.

OK, I understand. I am flawed. I have things about me which need forgiving. I have disrespected God far more than this man has disrespected my family.

He lacks integrity.

Not my business.

He is a coward, an amoral jerk, a philandering cretin creeping about the shadows of my family.

He is a human being.

He is an individual who has little regard for right and wrong and has damaged the lives of myself, my children, and my wife.

He is someone Jesus died for, someone my creator loves.

He’s the son of a bitch that is behind my racing heart, my need for medication and counseling, a cause for my loss of joy in my work, in my life.

He is the source for an honest self reflection on who I am so I may become something better.

He is John.

John is a threat and John is the disciple Jesus loved. John is a toilet, and the name of friends. John is a prostitute’s customer, and the prophetic author of Revelations.

This John is someone I need to get over. I need to forgive him. I need to move past this disgusting mess in my heart. For my own sanity I need to acknowledge he is not the problem in my marriage, and that he isn’t someone I should spend energy, thought, emotional commitment over.

So, here goes...

Heavenly Lord. I am angry at someone and this anger is driving my heart in directions You would not have me go. I am having a difficult time in being the servant You want me to be. Please help me Lord to get to a place where I can stop thinking about this man, stop making connections of all sorts of things to him. Help me Lord to be just a little more like You, and forgive. This is something I cannot do without You. Help me Lord I pray. Help me Lord to pray for my enemy.

Lord... bless this man, John, to be who You want him to be. Bring people alongside of him to help him come to know You better. Give him peace in this strange time when my wife has separated herself (I think, I hope, I pray), even if it is temporary, from him, so he can be more than he is .

Lord, help me to be more sincere in this prayer, than I am.

I am angry, hurt, I even feel violent toward him. This is not who You would have me be.

I love You, Lord. Tell me what You would have me do, and I will obey.

I pray this prayer with as much sincerity as I can muster.

Amen.