Fretting

I left a cryptic remark at the end of my last post, and I should explain it.

I haven’t much proof that my wife is breaking her promise to not contact this other man. I’m reluctant to push too hard because things are so fragile in our home and these are matters that will affect me, her, and my children a great deal for a very long time.

Sunday afternoon I went online and checked the local calls made on our phone. All the way back to July. I put them on a spreadsheet. Grouped them by numbers and bold faced the ones to where she used to work and his cell phone. Sorted them by date. Looked over the pattern of the calls.

The calls to his cell continued for a few months and stopped. So did the calls to where he worked. Until a couple of weeks ago.

Those few calls were brief, one or two minutes. Not enough time for a conversation, maybe voice mail.

I got a little ticked.

I kept my mouth shut.

Except on this blog. I added a little postscript at the bottom of the post I had written and fretted.

Now a couple of days have passed. What do I know? Not much.

That’s my current point.

Freaking out, confrontations, or cloak and dagger spying won’t change the reality of whatever the reality is.

Perhaps she has broken her word and is talking to him. Perhaps she was calling old coworkers looking for leads on her current job search.

If this is bad, then it will reveal itself. If it isn’t, well, that too will eventually show.

As this whole mess plays out I am increasingly unsure if I can return to a place in my heart where there is trust for her. That too is something I will one day learn. Another piece of the journey of self-discovery.

So... meanwhile... what do I do?

I try to control my heart, my mind, and especially my actions.

She is messed up.

So am I.

Perhaps I can help her heal, but not by making her heel.

I cannot control her and I don’t want to.

She is messed up.

So are we all.

Perhaps we can heal, but only through His grace.

I can be patient, at least long enough for this new counselor to make an attempt to show us a common ground for our marriage.

I just keep thinking that I am as sinful as any other person, as unworthy of forgiveness and grace as all of humanity.

In remembering that I am a fallen being, an immortal soul traveling in flawed mortal flesh.

So that’s what’s going on. As I wonder, and as I try to avoid wondering, I remember this passage:

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."
John 8:6-8

And that’s all I have to say about this today.